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Master Your Digital Body Language

Digital communication can be exhausting. Take Jack, a mid-level manager, who just got an email from his boss. It bugs him — or is he overthinking things? The last sentence — “That’ll be fine.” —  ends in a period. It seems to dominate the screen, a black bead, a micro-bomb, lethal, suggestive and — Jack would swear — disapproving. Boss is angry. But is he really? Did Jack screw up? If so, how? Is he reading into things? If he’s not, how can he work for a boss who’s so oblivious about the implications of a period?

When punctuation and shorthand set us off into bouts of uncertainty, self-doubt, anxiety, anger, self-hatred, and mistrust, we can be sure we’re living in unmapped times.

None of us needs a linguistics degree to know that the ways we communicate meaning today are more confusing than ever. Why? Well, our understanding of body language is almost exclusively informed by face-to-face interactions.

No traditional expert in body language could have predicted that, today, the majority of our communications would be virtual. Contemporary communication relies more than ever on how we say something rather than on what we say. That is, our digital body language. When the internet came along, everyone was given a dais and a microphone, but no one was told how to use them. We all just picked things up as we went along. And the mistakes we’ve made along the way have had real consequences in business.

Each of us has different expectations and instincts about whether we should send a text versus an email, when to call someone, how long to wait before we write someone back, and how to write a digital thank-you or apology without seeming insincere. These seemingly small choices create impressions that can either enhance or wreck our closest relationships.

Most workplaces today minimize the conditions necessary to foster clear communication, leading to widespread distrust, resentment, and frustration. There are more far-flung teams. There are fewer face-to-face interactions. There is virtually no body language to read.

So the question remains: How can we stay connected when a screen divides us?

The answer lies in understanding the cues and signals that we’re sending with our digital body language, and learning to tailor them to create clear, precise messages. What was implicit in traditional body language now has to be explicit with digital body language.

By embedding a real understanding of digital body language into your workplace, communication processes can provide both the structure and the tools that support a silo-breaking, trust-filled environment. This skill, in turn, will lead to enormous efficiencies and a new communication ideal, one where the language and punctuation we use across all mediums is careful, conscious, and considered, and we’re always mindful of how our recipients might respond.

Below are three examples of basic digital body language signals and cues we send out every day that you can learn to employ and perfect in your own life:

The Medium Is the Message

All communication channels are not created equal. Knowing how and when to use each one depends on the context. Every channel brings with it a set of underlying meanings and subtexts, and knowing how to navigate this array of hidden meanings is a telltale mark of digital savviness and — ultimately — professionalism.

If you’re stuck, ask yourself: How important or urgent is your message? And to whom are you communicating? What’s better: email, Slack, the phone, or a text?

And remember: You’re not bound to one or two communication channels. Switching between channels is a good way to indicate a shift in urgency, or even to denote the closeness of a relationship.

Punctuation and Symbols — the New Measure of Emotion

In our digital world, our screens filter out the non-verbal signals and cues that make up 60 to 80 percent of face-to-face communication, forcing us to adapt the emotional logic of computers. We’re rendered cue-less.

By way of compensation, our communication style relies on punctuation for impact. In an effort to infuse our texts with tone and to clarify our feelings, we might use exclamation marks, capital letters, or ellipses, or else hit the “like” or “love” button on messages we receive. But instead of clarity, sometimes our reliance on punctuation and symbols can generate more confusion.

My advice when it comes to punctuation and symbols: Use them judiciously. If you’re worried about your digital tone, one way to clarify your feelings digitally is through the direct, easy-to-understand language of emojis. While emojis may be a learning curve for some, they can be critical to enhancing workplace efficiency and cultivating a corporate culture of optimal clarity.

Timing — the New Measure of Respect

Face-to-face interactions require that both parties be available at the same time. This is less possible today, with most of us scrambling to keep up with our various inboxes.

This often means that communication happens at a slower pace. And in a digitally reliant world, the slightest pause between messages takes on an almost operatic meaning.

The thing is, most of the time, a non-answer means nothing at all; the other person is simply tied up, doing something else, didn’t notice she’d gotten a text, had her volume turned off, or forgot where she put her phone.

Still, we can always help ease anxieties around timing expectations by encouraging communication norms and best practices for your office. For example, leaders can mandate a response time for email — within the hour, particularly if it’s time-sensitive or client-facing — to ensure team-wide accountability.

With hardly any face-to-face interactions with colleagues or classmates these days, there is virtually no body language to read. Understanding digital body language is essential for those of us who are committed to making strong relationships and making a mark, even in the swell of conference calls, emails, texts, and Zoom engagements. Not only can it enhance your interpersonal interactions and liberate you from the fear and worry that digital communication inspires, but it can give you a competitive advantage on your team, grounded in transparency and empathy.

Erica Dhawan W07  is a leading expert on 21st century collaboration and innovation. She is an  award-winning keynote speaker and the author of the new book Digital Body Language .

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Digital Body Language: Why How You Say It Matters More Than Ever Before

The coronavirus means that many of us are having to quickly learn how to work, manage, and collaborate with employees and peers without in-person contact. and that means digital body language is more important than ever..

If you've spent most or all of your career working in a physical office, then the idea of digital body language might be slightly foreign. Still, we've all been there. Did the boss' "k" in an email mean they were upset or didn't like your idea? Did a colleague's eye-roll emoji mean fleeting overwhelm or are they really upset?

As someone who's been speaking on the future of business for a while and running a remote b2b agency for over a decade, teaching and understanding digital body language has been par for the course. Now, many of us are having to quickly learn how to work , manage, and collaborate with employees and peers without in-person contact . And that means that digital body language is more important than it's ever been before.

So, what exactly IS digital body language? Is it how you hold yourself on video calls? The emojis you use in group chats? How do you announce yourself on conference calls? 

It's true that these are all components of digital body language. These components, along with all the other numerous little details of how we communicate--whether on the phone, via a messaging app like Slack, on videochat, or through email--are what create our digital body language. And our digital body language is critical for establishing and maintaining good rapport, contributing to high morale, and just generally creating a positive work environment for everyone at the company.

Digital body language basics: For employees

If your workplace has transitioned to remote work as part of the coronavirus response, then digital body language is a way to maintain and build upon the connection you already have with your co-workers. 

Turning on your camera during video chats, instead of sticking to voice only. 

Speaking confidently and clearly on conference calls. 

Meeting deadlines and showing up on time for virtual meetings. 

Being friendly and present on messaging channels, without taking too much time away from work. 

These are all simple, yet extremely powerful ways to convey a sense of who you are and how you work when your co-workers can't actually see you (at least, not in person). 

Digital body language basics: For managers

Managing employees remotely can be a struggle for even the best managers--especially those who rely on lots of face-to-face conversations in order to stay connected and "take the temperature" of their teams. 

One of the best ways to establish good working relationships with your remote team is to model excellent communication from the get-go. 

Over-communicate, in fact--it will set a great example for your team, as over-communication is one of the keys to being successful as a remote company . This is especially true if you're suddenly transitioning from a traditional working model. 

The transition will take time, and open, frequent, and effective communication is the only way to ensure that things which ordinarily would have been handled through an offhand, face-to-face conversation don't fall through the cracks. 

Other ways to keep up a strong connection with your employees is to schedule time for one-on-one meetings, as well as check in with them in a low-pressure, friendly way every couple of days at least. 

Remember, you can't stop by their desk to ask them how their day is going anymore. You've got to find other ways to show that you're invested in them. 

Your tone matters

Perhaps the most difficult thing for people who are more used to working within shouting distance of each other is nailing the right tone in instant messages, emails, texts, and other types of online written communication.

That's because a simple request to speak with an employee can send them into a cold sweat if it's not delivered in the appropriate manner. 

Do you simply want to see how their day is going? Make sure they know that right away--add a smiling emoji, or a waving hand, and make the casual nature of the conversation known. 

For example: "Hi! I'd love to chat with you soon about how everything is going. Do you have some time to fill me in on how you're feeling?" 

You'll want to be even more considerate of this point in these difficult times, when so many people have already lost their jobs or experienced some loss of income. Uncertainty is everywhere, and employees may be much more ready to jump to unpleasant conclusions than they would be otherwise. 

And a word on emojis: although at one point, they were used almost exclusively by text-happy teenagers, they've become an essential element of text-based communication. Everyone from the CEO on down should feel good about using them. 

In a webinar I recently presented, I shared how digital body language matters now more than ever--and it will continue to for the foreseeable future. Pay attention to how you're presenting yourself online and it could mean the difference between success and failure. If you need help, this course by Erica Dhawan is a great place to start.

 What are you saying with your digital body language?

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Ghosting. Video chats full of “oops sorry no you go” and “can you hear me?!” Ambiguous text-messages. Weird punctuation you can’t make heads or tails of. How did we lose our innate capacity to understand each other?

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Erica Dhawan is a globally recognized leadership expert and keynote speaker helping organizations and leaders innovate faster and further, together. Erica has spoken, worldwide, to organizations and enterprises that range from the World Economic Forum to U.S. and global Fortune 500 companies, associations, sports teams, and government institutions. Named as one of the top management professionals around the world by Global Gurus, she is the founder and CEO of Cotential – a company that has helped leaders and teams leverage twenty-first-century collaboration skills globally. Her writing has appeared in dozens of publications, including Fast Company and Harvard Business Review. She has an MPA from Harvard Kennedy School, MBA from MIT Sloan, and BS from The Wharton School.

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Erica Dhawan: Using digital body language to build trust on your remote team

By Drew Pearce

Published on December 14, 2021

Animation by Fanny Luor

How emojis, memes, and terse DMs play out at work—in intentional and unintentional ways.

If you’ve ever seen a punctuation mark turn a text chat into a tense standoff, you already know the impact of digital body language.

When you can’t talk face to face, you miss out on the frowns, smiles, and raised eyebrows that can offer important context behind words—stress, joy, even irony. Emojis and memes can lighten the tone, but they can’t convey the subtle emotional cues you sense in someone’s presence. 

So how do you humanize virtual communication without adding misunderstandings?

Video calls and chat apps have helped, but as pandemic isolation wears on, their limitations have been laid bare. Now we know how hard it can be to brainstorm and establish rapport virtually, especially as more people start new jobs without getting to meet their teammates in person. 

On the upside, distributed work has opened new doors of opportunity for those who live far from big cities and tech hubs. And new tools like Dropbox Capture combine the advantages of synchronous and asynchronous by letting you send personalized video messages instead of text.

On the downside, distance isn’t the only barrier. Generational and personality differences can widen communication gaps. When you add the anxiety of a global pandemic to the mix, it can feel like learning a new language in a culture that never existed before.  

Fortunately, Erica Dhawan—author of Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance —has been studying ways to overcome cultural divides and language barriers for years. In fact, it’s been her passion since she was a child. Growing up in a family of Indian immigrants in Pittsburgh, she became fascinated with how people from different backgrounds create authentic connections. 

“It’s up to managers to create a cohesive team that creates spaces for different communication styles.”

In the years since, it’s become her life’s work—first as a research fellow at Harvard and MIT, and later as a world-renowned expert on teamwork in the 21st century. In her latest book , she provides a practical guide to communicating effectively in the era of digital work.

“Every few months, things seem to get faster, leaving us no choice but to adapt to the newest normal,” says Dhawan. “We grow more accepting of distractions and interruptions, become more indifferent to the needs and emotions of colleagues and workmates.”

This digital disconnect leads to misinterpretation and new waves of organizational dysfunction—and one of the most overlooked reasons is the loss of nonverbal body cues. With more physical distance, fewer face-to-face interactions, and virtually no body language, it’s harder than ever to read emotions. It’s not that people don't want to be empathetic—they just don't know how to be with today's tools. 

But with the proper use of digital body language—which includes not only your words, punctuation, emojis, and avatars, but also the channels you choose—you can learn to build trust with your teammates even when you’re working remotely.

Which principle of digital body language is the biggest challenge for remote teams?

The first principle of digital body language is one of the most critical: Never confuse a brief message with a clear message. Receiving an email from your boss that simply reads “We should talk,” could have multiple interpretations. One-word responses like “Fine,” “Sure,” or “O.K.” can also cause uncertainty. 

Sending multiple question marks (???) instead of asking your team an actual question doesn’t clarify the information to either party. The recipient could jump to negative conclusions. But in fact, a boss may just want to discuss a proposal they turned in last week. 

“Never confuse a brief message with a clear message.” 

If you’re a manager, here are three questions to ask yourself to create a culture of clarity instead of brevity with your teammates:

• Am I clear enough about what I need? Always take a moment to provide the necessary background required for the recipient.
• Did I include the right people in the email? Is it clear why this message is meaningful to this person or group of people? It’s easy to be so brief that others don’t understand why they need to respond.
• Am I intentional about when and what I expect in response? Make sure you are giving your team an appropriate and precise time when you expect an email back. 

One of my favorite ways to avoid brevity creating confusion is to create clear acronyms for your team. For example, NNTR on emails means “No Need to Respond,” 4H in subject lines means I need this in 4 hours, and 2D means I need it in 2 days. Even if it takes you a few extra minutes, spend the time communicating with the intention of being ultra-clear.

Brevity can also cause anxiety when there may not even be a need to worry. While a brief email may be convenient for you, it can have a negative effect on the person receiving it. And it can cause your team to waste time interpreting your messages instead of focusing on the task at hand. When there is clarity in communication, this also improves productivity and accountability because there is less room for misinterpretation.

You’ve noted that most people fall into two categories: Digital Natives, the Gen Zers who grew up fluent in non-verbal virtual communication—and Digital Adapters, the Gen Xers and Boomers who are learning emojis, memes, and texting etiquette like a new language. What tips do you have for bridging the communication gap between those two groups?

Good leadership is about more than bending people to your standards or norms. It also involves a willingness to engage across the different digital body language styles present in your workplace. It’s actually no different from knowing three or four different languages or regional dialects.

When establishing policies to bridge the communication gap, ensure you gather feedback from digital natives and adapters. Then, focus on norms that best serve the task at hand. Set norms for the appropriate time to use each channel of communication, message length, complexity, and response time. Questions that should be answered include:

• “How long is too long for an IM message?”
• “Do we want to put a limit on the number of people to include in a group video call?” 
• “What should meeting agendas look like?”
• “When (if ever) is it appropriate to text someone?”
• “What is the expected response time for emails?”

It’s also essential to have team champions who hold people accountable when practicing these norms and even have a polite correction method if they are not being met.

Last, despite all policies, get comfortable with being uncomfortable when it matters. For example, Brad, the SVP at a large gaming company and a digital adapter, has observed a stark difference in the two Slack channels run by his leaders, Allie and Dave. Dave, a digital native, has a Slack channel filled with emojis, GIFs, and memes, whereas Allie, who is a mid-forties digital adapter, has a more formal writing style, complete with bullet points.

“With Allie’s Slack channel,” Brad says, “I’m at home.” Nonetheless, he soon came around to the way Dave saw the world. “He is so authentic. If I were to force him to be ‘corporate,’ his team would be less excited and engaged.” He adds, “I’ve learned that the best thing for me to do is try to become conversant in this ‘dialect,’ even if it’s uncomfortable.”

“Gather feedback from digital natives and adapters. Then, focus on norms that best serve the task at hand.”

Building communication guidelines is a smart decision. However, pausing for a second before you decide to adjust how someone on your team is communicating and taking a moment to consider how that person’s style might end up benefiting your team is also just as important.

Virtual onboarding has proven to be one of the best opportunities for establishing norms and expectations around digital body language. What tips do you have for managers and coworkers who want to create camaraderie with new team members?

My first tip is to migrate from phony to authentic communication. If someone is new to your team, type them a welcome message on their first day. Let them genuinely know how happy you are that they are here and how excited you are to work with them. 

My second tip is to engage in digital watercooler moments. Research shows that when we transition to remote work, what we miss most are the social, relationship-building activities that take place spontaneously, like when we walk by someone’s desk and say hello, converge in the breakroom to discuss our latest Netflix binge, or ask a distracted colleague if he’s okay. These “watercooler interactions” are essential ingredients for building camaraderie, morale, and trust. They also keep us in the loop around what’s really going on in an organization. 

So, without an actual watercooler, what are you supposed to do? The answer: create the time just to hang out and check-in together. It doesn’t have to be a strictly planned social gathering; five to ten minutes at the beginning of a team meeting will do. Your team should feel comfortable acknowledging the obvious fact that they have lives outside work. 

One team member of an entirely remote team once told me, “Every morning we start with Zoom all-hands meetings—what did you do yesterday/what about today/do you have any blockers? We also do another at the end of the day—what worked? What didn’t? What did we try? It’s a great way to celebrate our successes, share challenges, and create boundaries.” 

My third tip is to record your previous team Zoom calls so new team members can watch recordings before joining their first meeting. This is a priceless way to speed up knowledge sharing, as well as help new team members learn the varying communication styles and norms of your virtual and hybrid meetings.

Do you have any specific tips for new employees trying to connect with their coworkers?

If you’re the new person on the team, do some due diligence. Take some time to see your teammates’ work. Then, when it’s time to reach out, you can lead with specific details to let them know you’re familiar with their role and how they contribute to the team while recognizing their efforts and hard work from the first interaction. Then, go forward from there. With every scrap of detail, you begin to develop trust. 

First, understand what drives your boss's pet peeves. Managing up is about knowing what completely irritates your boss. Does she cringe at grammar mistakes? Does it irrationally annoy him when people send overly long emails? A lack of agendas for video calls?

Second, ask your manager and teammates about their preferred digital communication style, based on the complexity and urgency of information. For example, does your boss prefer to receive long emails covering many topics or individual emails for individual topics? Does your team prefer to be kept in the loop on everything you're working on (e.g., with daily or weekly update emails), or are they more hands-off? What topics are best to discuss on a video call versus in an email? When is it acceptable to make a quick phone call to a colleague?

Third, reimagine what it means to "arrive early" and "stay late" at work. You won't earn bonus points for showing up early to the morning huddle on Zoom in a digital workplace. You'll just be in the waiting room instead of chatting with colleagues as you would in the office.

Instead, send an email (or Slack message) to your team outlining your plan of action for the day and ask if there's anything you can do to help senior team members by taking work off their plate. If there are client calls you can't attend, ask if they can be recorded so you can learn and take notes afterward. Towards the end of your workday, reply to that same message with an update on your projects. Make a point to ask if there's anything else you can help with before the morning.

Communication, specifically via digital mediums, is no longer a 'soft skill'—it is the new power skill that will define your success as a new hire.

Do certain personality types have an easier or harder time adapting to digital body language?

With less social interaction and more opportunities for autonomy, the chances are that introverts have enjoyed working remotely and asynchronously over the past year-plus. On the other hand, extroverts may have found themselves to be less productive and more irritable at home, struggling to recreate external stimuli they are used to having in the office to motivate them.

I don’t believe that one personality type—introverts, extroverts, or even ambiverts—uses digital body language better than another. However, I do believe that each personality prefers different digital mediums to express their digital body language.For example, many introverts have shared with me that they thrive using the chat tool in a video call, where they can avoid turn-taking and think in writing first before speaking. They also benefit from a thoughtful agenda before meetings to prepare their thoughts in advance. 

Extroverts need airtime and may express themselves more effectively in a quick video meeting. Extroverts also benefit from spontaneous moments of social connection during the day through hybrid team bonding events such as Zoom lunches and happy hours. 

“Communication, specifically via digital mediums, is no longer a ‘soft skill’— it is the new power skill that will define your success as a new hire.”

It’s up to managers to create a cohesive team that creates spaces for different communication styles so that everyone can communicate in their authentic voice in the digital workplace. Regardless of where team members fall on the extroversion-introversion spectrum, the overnight switch to virtual work over a year ago forced all of us to adjust to uncomfortable circumstances. I hope that the tips above will make us stronger and more inclusive of all personalities in the workplace.

Which digital communication tools do you rely on every day? 

I rely on video calls, Slack, email, and sometimes text messaging. I consciously choose the appropriate communication medium based on whom I’m connecting with and what I’m connecting about. For example, my college interns communicate best on Slack and enjoy emailed Amazon gift cards at the end of their tenures, while my executive team sticks to emails and appreciates personalized notes.

Video calls are beneficial for kicking off and calibrating projects and establishing what success looks like for initiatives, teams, and individuals. Instant messaging platforms and email are beneficial for day-to-day communications. I use text messaging with a receiver’s permission if anything urgent comes up.What’s missing from current remote collaboration tools that could enhance clarity in our digital body language?

I’d argue we need better playbooks for the ideal behaviors we should model when using remote collaboration tools. With many different platforms available, it’s easy to schedule meetings that should be emails, Slacks that should be phone calls, and confuse the period at the end of a text as passive aggressive. 

What’s the most surprising lesson you’ve learned about digital communication during the pandemic? 

Initially, I insisted on framing digital body language as a mere complement to traditional, everyday body language. I was wrong. Physical body language and digital body language are inseparable. Digital body language is reshaping physical body language, verbal communication, and even the way we think.

Online and off, at our jobs or home, our phones have altered how we make eye contact. We sometimes find ourselves thinking in terms of hashtags or bullet points. We can miss the lean-in in a sales conversation in a hybrid meeting. Our level of impatience has gone up. We expect others to get to the point fast. And nowhere is this transformation more apparent than in the workplace. 

It has taught me that more than ever, what was implicit in our traditional body language must be explicit in digital body language. Like immigrants in a foreign country, we are all immigrants to the digital workplace and must become fluent in digital body language together.

To learn more, visit EricaDhawan.com and follow her on Linkedin , Instagram , Facebook , and Twitter .

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Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance

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An instant Wall Street Journal Bestseller Now in paperback—the definitive guide to communicating and connecting in a hybrid world. Email replies that show up a week later. Video chats full of “oops sorry no you go” and “can you hear me?!” Ambiguous text-messages. Weird punctuation you can’t make heads or tails of. Is it any wonder that communication takes us so much time and effort to figure out? How did we lose our innate capacity to understand each other? Humans rely on body language to connect and build trust, but with most of our communication happening from behind a screen, traditional body language signals are no longer visible—or are they? In Digital Body Language , Erica Dhawan, a go-to thought leader on collaboration and a passionate communication junkie, combines cutting edge research with engaging storytelling to decode the new signals and cues that have replaced traditional body language across genders, generations, and culture. In real life, we lean in, uncross our arms, smile, nod and make eye contact to show we listen and care. Online, reading carefully is the new listening. Writing clearly is the new empathy. And a phone or video call is worth a thousand emails. Digital Body Language will turn your daily misunderstandings into a set of collectively understood laws that foster connection, no matter the distance. Dhawan investigates a wide array of exchanges—from large conferences and video meetings to daily emails, texts, IMs, and conference calls—and offers insights and solutions to build trust and clarity with anyone in our ever-changing world.

About the Author

ERICA DHAWAN is a globally recognized leadership expert and keynote speaker helping organizations and leaders innovate faster and further, together. Erica has spoken, worldwide, to organizations and enterprises that range from the World Economic Forum to U.S. and global Fortune 500 companies, associations, sports teams, and government institutions. Named as one of the top management professionals around the world by Global Gurus, she is the founder and CEO of Cotential - a company that has helped leaders and teams leverage twenty-first-century collaboration skills globally. Her writing has appeared in dozens of publications, including Fast Company and Harvard Business Review , and she is the author of Digital Body Language and Get Big Things Done . She has an MPA from Harvard Kennedy School, MBA from MIT Sloan, and BS from The Wharton School.

Praise for Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance

“This book is a welcome and practical guide to the ways in which we need to rethink how we interpret on-screen and inbox behaviour. Developing a common digital body language will help everyone—while also opening a path to better ways for all of us to relate to one another and create a sense of inclusion and belonging.” — Financial Times “Fascinating, helpful, and engaging…Dhawan offers this timely book on digital body language and creative ways to foster inclusion and belonging in digital communications in the workplace.” — Booklist “Dhawan’s high-energy advice comes right on time. Anyone trying to find their way through the new normal of office life will learn something from this real-world guide to respectful, productive communication.” — Publishers Weekly “Written in an approachable style, this will be a useful resource for anyone who struggles with online communication.” — Library Journal " Digital Body Language is an indispensable guide to a business world turned upside down by video calls, group texts, and remote work. With Dhawan’s expert guidance, you’ll learn how to read and send the subtle cues that signal trust, competence, and authenticity. You’ll discover practical tips for using everything from exclamation points to emojis. Most of all, you’ll understand that that effective communication and collaboration begin with valuing others.” — Daniel H. Pink, author of When , Drive , and To Sell Is Human “A profound look at how to foster inclusion and better leadership in our digital world." — Billie Jean King, Founder, Billie Jean King Leadership Initiative "Non-verbal cues are vital to understanding each other. Now that so much communication happens online—and with the massive shift to distance learning and remote workplaces—we need Erica Dhawan’s book more than ever." — Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and founder of Lean In and Option B "One of the most common problems in digital life is that the intended message gets lost in translation, and we get trapped in an ongoing game of telephone. Erica Dhawan has compelling solutions to help us send and receive the right signals.” — Adam Grant, New York Times bestselling author of Think Again and Originals , and host of the TED podcast WorkLife “ Digital Body Language brings us crucial insights and a playbook for communicating in our digital and virtual world!” — Alan Mulally, Former CEO of Boeing Commercial Airplanes and the Ford Motor Company "This book is a breakthrough that will be read for years to come. People are already judging you by how you show up in the digital world, but now Erica Dhawan helps you figure out how to earn the benefit of the doubt." — Seth Godin, Author, The Practice " Digital Body Language is an extraordinary and essential book for our time. With powerful stories and fascinating research, Erica Dhawan masterfully shows that, even in our digital age, we can connect and make change together." — Susan David, author of Emotional Agility "If you're e-mailing, zooming, IM-ing etc. in your important relationships and for getting things done, professionally and personally, this is a must-read. Bravo, Erica." — David Allen, international bestselling author of Getting Things Done "Filled with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, Digital Body Language gives you the tools to understand what can go wrong in communication—and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. This book will change forever the way you approach digital conversations." — Tiffany Dufu, Founder of The Cru “Erica Dhawan is a true master of collaboration...no one committed to success and teamwork can afford to miss this opportunity to learn from her.” — Erik Spoelstra, Head Coach of Miami Heat “I love both the message and the messenger of this brilliant book. Listen to what Erica Dhawan has to say about digital body language—and then take her advice. This is the contemporary guidebook for inclusion and authenticity in the workplace, no matter our distance.” — Subha Barry, President of Working Mother Media " Trust is the ultimate currency in the digital age. This book is a must-read for leaders, offering tangible and authentic ways to strengthen trust and create a virtual work environment where people feel they truly belong." — Ellyn Shook, Chief Leadership and Human Resources Officer, Accenture “This book is a gigantic leap towards communicating well in the digital age. It is a mandatory guide for anyone who wants to decode all the cryptic messages we are sending and receiving and be a more effective communicator and collaborator online.” —Rob Nail, Co-Founder of Singularity University “We are living at a time when becoming skilled in Digital Body Language is non negotiable. For everyone. It’s the digital application of emotional intelligence. I can’t think of anyone who would not benefit from reading this book.” —Peter Bregman, CEO of Bregman Partners and Author of Leading with Emotional Courage “In a world where innovation increasingly happens on-line, we must unlock the full potential of digital conversations and avoid its plentiful traps. Digital Body Language shows you how.” —Alex Osterwalder, entrepreneur, business model innovator, and author "A must-read for anyone wishing to introduce better communication and greater empathy in their workplace." — Pat Mitchell, Co-Founder; Curator TEDWomen; Chair, Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center

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Digital body language for the post-pandemic era

Erica Dhawan, MBA ’12

• Kara Baskin archive page

The awkward pause on a Zoom call. The brusque, ambiguous email. The context-free meeting invite. When online interactions are so easily misconstrued, effective communication is essential. As the author of the new book Digital Body Language , Erica Dhawan, MBA ’12, trains corporate leaders to connect fluently in this new era of remote work, with clients ranging from the US Army to Pepsi to Deloitte.  

Her mission is deeply personal, rooted in her memories of being a timid elementary schooler in Pittsburgh. 

“My parents were Indian immigrants, which meant that we spoke Hindi at home. When I got to school, I was the quietest kid in the class,” she remembers. “One of the strengths I developed because I was so shy was an ability to observe and decipher body language. I would watch the popular girls with their head tilted to the side, the cool kids slouching during school assemblies. I really tried to assimilate to the world of American body language.”

Fast-forward 30 years, and she’s using that hard-won intuition to decode a digital-first world where visual and written cues matter more than ever. In addition to her writing, she delivers keynotes to Fortune 500 companies—for the past five years, at a rate of 40 to 70 talks per year.  

“We’re all immigrants to the world of digital body language,” she says. “I’m committed to building a movement of knowledge and training for what I believe are the skills of the new post-pandemic era.”

Those skills hinge on what she calls connectional intelligence. The concept, which prioritizes deep, quality interactions, contrasts sharply with typical measures of virtual success: number of Twitter followers, LinkedIn connections, or Zoom meetings per day.

“We’re living in a digital communications crisis, where the reaction is to connect more instead of connecting intelligently,” she says. People with connectional intelligence understand which meetings should be calls, and when to look directly at the camera during a Zoom to signal attention: “They know to never confuse brevity with clarity, that reading carefully is the new listening, and writing clearly is the new empathy.” 

New ways of working prompted by the pandemic, she believes, could allow workplaces to become “more geographically inclusive, less visually biased toward traditional body language, and more creative about engaging anyone, anywhere, to be part of a solution.” 

Dhawan has two children and enjoys Bollywood dance in her spare time. Dancing, she says with a laugh, “taught me that when we’re connecting with others, everything is a performance.”

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The future of work depends on our “digital” body language

By Nick Lucchesi Jun 28, 2022

Erica Dhawan, the author and business consultant, is surrounded by cardboard moving boxes.

Among the items she unpacked first: A bookshelf, a houseplant, a ring light, a tripod, and a 4K video camera—standard gear for video conferencing. For Mrs. Dhawan, settling in after a move from the Upper East Side of Manhattan to Florida began by first unboxing these modern workplace essentials. (Her discussion with Asana was sandwiched between virtual keynotes for an investment firm and a technology company.)

“I lived in New York for almost 15 years, with my husband and my two kids,” she tells me over the phone on a recent weekday afternoon. “As a result of the transformation of remote work, we moved to St. Petersburg, Florida. This was a direct result of the massive wave of people being able to—for the first time ever—work anytime, anywhere, and still have a successful career in business. I never thought I could do this years ago.”

Mrs. Dhawan is the author of Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance , the 2021 book that packs in practical tips for getting better in an area where many of us are sorely lacking: Digital communication.

After reading her Wall Street Journal bestseller in the days ahead of our interview, I felt incredibly seen for my behavior—in ways good and bad. Mrs. Dhawan draws on her career as a consultant, peppering on anecdotes that can feel withering or warm.

In the last two years, she also authored the viral Medium article, “ Why the Hybrid Workforce of the Future Depends on the ‘Geriatric Millennial’ ,” and a New York Times opinion piece, “ Ignoring a Text Message or Email Isn’t Always Rude. Sometimes It’s Necessary .” Both use humor and vulnerability to push back on clichés about digital communication.

The advice she gives in the book and in those articles feels very of the moment ( Publishers Weekly notes that Mrs. Dhawan’s “high-energy advice comes right on time.”). But at the heart of her practical lessons about how many exclamation points to use or when an emoji is appropriate are childhood axioms like these: “Give other people the benefit of the doubt” and “casual isn’t the same as careless.”

So why are people not giving each other the benefit of the doubt, or reading into emails anger that isn’t there? As our jobs increasingly became digital, our communication styles didn’t keep up.

“We relied on informal body language as a way to build shared understanding for so long.”

“We relied on informal body language as a way to build shared understanding for so long,” Mrs. Dhawan says, when I ask why those old lessons are forgotten when it comes to digital behavior.

“We grew up learning the basic rules of body language, but not learning about digital body language. There was no rulebook, so we made a lot of mistakes. We’ve turned the casual to the careless.”

“I started working on my book because I saw the need becoming more important. With the rise of tools like Asana , digital communication is really how work gets done now.” Below is an interview with Mrs. Dhawan that has been edited for brevity and clarity .

Asana: Do you think constructive feedback should always be given over the phone to avoid misinterpretation? 

Mrs. Dhawan: Research shows that up to 50% of the time, tone can be misinterpreted in written digital communication. When I’m seeing someone face-to-face, or hearing the tone of their voice, I can sense whether they’re on the verge of tears or excited. We lose many of those traditional cues when we shoot off that email.

I recommend picking up the phone or having a quick video or in-person meeting. And Give feedback based on the work, not the person. 

Start with what’s working: Then say what’s not working in the work and why. Instead of calling it feedback, I call it “feed forward,” which includes two things we need to do next time.

Your book mentions three laws of digital body language: Value Visibly, Communicate Carefully , and Collaborate Confidently. If the current economic downturn becomes a recession, which of these three is most important for managers to adhere to?

Communicate carefully, hands down. Effective digital communication skills are the number one indicator of who will be recognized as a high-performer, who will be encouraged, and who will be promoted in this time of recession.

“People want someone who is maniacally clear.”

People want someone who is maniacally clear so that people know what they need to do, how they need to do it, and then they can make it happen.

Do you think enough leaders are doing well to create a culture of psychological safety in a really scary economic time?

No, I don’t think they are doing well enough. There is a massive opportunity for all of us to improve how we build psychological safety. Traditional trust-building happened through body language cues—a walk down the hall, the watercooler moment. In a hybrid world, leaders must create regular watercooler moments, no matter the distance. Call them hybrid watercooler moments.

“Creating hybrid watercooler moments is actually deepening our environment of trust and psychological safety.”

Creating hybrid watercooler moments is actually deepening our environment of trust and psychological safety, if we take the time to use this opportunity well.

What traditional body language should Millennials and Gen Z adopt from older generations?

Older professionals can teach younger professionals how to master their traditional body language, because they remember a world where you had to read the client’s hesitation on their face during a physical meeting. They remember when you had to take a message on the phone. They remember knowing when eye contact was a signal that you needed to take a different path in your interactions.

“Older professionals have this opportunity to teach younger professionals how to effectively pick up the phone.”

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What digital body language should older generations should adopt?

Know when to send a Slack, text, or email instead of picking up the phone—and understand the difference!

Also, even if you want to see everyone’s face on the video, introverts may think better in writing before speaking, so you’ll hear more from them via Slack and email than during the meeting.

Don’t assume they’re not engaged. Understand that they find their voice differently. 

“People find their voice in different ways.”

Or they may be individuals with an accent who are going to prefer a written form of communication, because of their deep accent, than speaking up in a meeting. Don’t assume that they’re not interested.

“Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is your opportunity to be more inclusive using all these channels, instead of just relying on in-person body language. Even in-person body language had intense proximity bias. We tended to listen more attentively to those who had a deeper voice, who were taller, or those who were the majority in the room, or who had the majority accent. And a lot of those biases are removed with digital communication—if we use it well.

Do you think company leaders can better train new employees during onboarding about turning off notifications for the various work apps we use? 

Leaders are responsible for setting expectations around response time in each of the various work channels. They should even encourage their teams to have set times where they’re not expected to respond.

What does the future of work look like?

I think the future of work looks like leaders who have optimized how their team can get the most done in the most efficient way, anytime, anywhere. 

“The future of work looks like leaders who have optimized how their team can get the most done.”

I think the future of work looks like getting the most out of people in the office, and creating clarity around what tasks should be done virtually or remotely. Knowing the difference is key, so you’re not in the office and your door is shut, and no one on your team can ask you a question because you’re on video calls all day. Use office time for brainstorming, feedback, onboarding new hires, and radically recognizing and creating watercooler moments.

You use virtual time for things more productive: Communicate with your introverts in writing who don’t usually jump in during meetings. Or doing individual thought work to avoid groupthink.

In meetings, we should be just as inclusive of those in the room as those virtually. I recommend teams have live and remote hosts and have the remote host lead the first half of the meeting to remove proximity bias.

How prepared are managers at executing that nuanced strategy you just laid out? I think a lot of companies may get very close because their employees will look for another job if they don’t.

I think that we’re still in the Wild, Wild West. We’re just two years into this massive transformation. It kind of feels like the first two years that Facebook came out, when we were all sort poking each other.

It’s going to take asking ourselves what’s the risk of not mastering a culture of effective digital communication. Leaders need to take digital body language seriously.

Learn more about Erica Dhawan via her  website ,  LinkedIn ,  Instagram,  and  Twitter . She’s also created a Hybrid Work online course .

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Book details

Digital Body Language

How to Build Trust and Connection, No Matter the Distance

Author: Erica Dhawan

CHAPTER 1 What Is Digital Body Language? They had been going out for three years when the fight, conducted exclusively via text message, occurred. The fight lasted for hours, back and forth, until at one point, frustrated and weary, Laura tapped out, So r we thru? I guess so , Dave replied. Laura was devastated. She called in sick to work the next day, and spent the next 24 hours mourning the loss of her relationship by meeting with friends, looking through old photos, and crying. The next night, Dave appeared on her doorstep. Laura, puffy-eyed, answered the door. “Did you forget about the dinner we planned a few days ago?” he said. “You said we were through,” Laura said. “I meant we were through arguing ,” Dave said, “not through as in you and me .” Oh. Most of us have had exchanges like this in our personal lives (though maybe not quite so dramatic)—communications so confusing and crowded with intimations that we spend an entire day trying to make sense of them. Now take these same dynamics and transfer them to the average workplace. Jack, a midlevel manager, gets an email from his boss. The last sentence— That’ll be fine. —leaves him anxious . The period that punctuates it seems to dominate the screen, a black bead, a microbomb, lethal, suggestive, and—Jack would swear—disapproving. Did I screw up? Or is he merely overthinking it? If he’s not , how can he work for a boss who’s so oblivious about the implications of a period? Here’s another: A positive, enthusiastic female boss headquartered in New York is assigned to lead a remote team based in Dallas. One of its members, a young guy named Sam, flies to New York a few months later for his first face-to-face meeting with his new boss. After a good preliminary discussion, the boss asks, “So what were your first impressions of me?” Sam hesitates, then admits they weren’t all that good. Almost all of his boss’s communications were no frills and to the point, leading Sam to believe she was unfriendly, withholding, and probably cold. In person, though, she’s the opposite. What made him feel that way? she asks. Sam had to confess it was because she didn’t use abbreviations or exclamation marks. !!!!!!!!! When punctuation and acronyms set us off into bouts of uncertainty, self-doubt, anxiety, anger, self-hatred, and mistrust, we can be sure we’re living in unmapped times. * * * I grew up reading—and re-reading—the books of Deborah Tannen. In 1990, Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, published her book You Just Don’t Under stand: Women and Men in Conversation. I wasn’t the only one; everyone seemed to be reading Tannen’s book. An analysis of how we talk to one another using indirection, interruption, pauses, humor, and pacing, You Just Don’t Understand dominated national conversations, spent four years on the New York Times bestseller list, and was translated into 30 languages. None of us needs a linguistics degree to know that the ways we communicate meaning today are more confusing than ever. Why? Well, Tannen studied body language almost exclusively in face-to-face interactions. Her work was informed by linguistics, gender, and evolutionary biology, but also by what you and I convey whenever we cross our arms, look away, or blink. None of us, including Tannen, could have predicted that the majority of our connections would be virtual today . Contemporary communication relies more than ever on how we say something rather than on what we say. That is, our digital body language . When the internet came along, everyone was given a dais and a microphone, but no one was told how to use them. We all just picked things up as we went along. And the mistakes we’ve made along the way have had real consequences in business. You see, these days, we don’t talk the talk or even walk the talk. We write the talk. Texts, emails, instant messages, and video calls are ultimately visual forms of communication. What’s more, each of us has different expectations and instincts about whether it’s appropriate to send a text or an email, when to look in the camera during a video call, how long to wait before we write someone back, and how to write a digital thank-you or apology without seeming sloppy or insincere. Our word choices, response times, video meeting styles, email sign-offs, and even our email signatures create impressions that can either enhance or wreck our closest relationships in the workplace (not to mention in our personal lives). Today, roughly 70 percent of all communication among teams is virtual. We send around 306 billion emails every day, with the average person sending 30 emails daily and fielding 96.1 According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , 50 percent of the time the “tone” of our emails is misinterpreted.2 Fifty percent! Imagine saying “I love you” to your partner, but half the time their response is “Yeah, right.” Have I felt that exact feeling with my husband, Rahul, after a text exchange? Not gonna lie—I’m guilty too! More data: the New York Times reports that 43 percent of working Americans spend at least some time working remotely,3 a percentage that skyrocketed during the Covid-19 pandemic. Another study reported that 25 percent of respondents said they socialize more frequently online than in person.4 A 2015 Pew survey found that 90 percent of cell phone owners “frequently” carry their phones with them, with 76 percent admitting they turn off their phones “rarely” or “never.”5 The average person spends nearly 116 minutes every day—that’s about 2 hours—on social media, which over an average lifetime would add up to 5 years and 4 months.6 Psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman was the first to popularize the concept of “emotional intelligence,” or EI, in 1990. Emotional intelligence refers to our ability to read other people’s signals and respond to them appropriately while understanding and appreciating the world from others’ perspectives. Today, “emotional intelligence” and “empathy” have become buzzwords. They are discussed at roundtables. They are part of every mainstream education curriculum. They show up in value statements across every industry—from professional services to healthcare to technology. And they are trademark words in political campaigns and media conversations. Leaders have sold us on the idea that seeing situations clearly from others’ perspectives can transform leadership styles, work cultures, and business strategies. Empathy, it seems, advances morale, triggers innovation, drives engagement and retention, and raises profits. Surely everyone can agree we need more empathy in the world. Why, then, are we all facing a crisis of misunderstanding at work? Well, a big problem is that reading emotion within the digital nature of the modern workplace is difficult. When the concept of emotional intelligence was popularized, the digital era was in its infancy. Email was a barely unwrapped toy. The very first smartphones were thick slabs and rarely appeared at meetings. Texting was what European teenagers did. And video calls were a foreign species. Today, many organizations and communities exist exclusively behind a screen. We’ve shifted the way we create connections and, consequently, how we work with our colleagues as well as our customers, community members, and audiences. The loss of nonverbal body cues is among the most overlooked reasons why employees feel so disengaged from others. If used properly, and at scale, empathetic body language equals employee engagement. Disengagement happens not because people don’t want to be empathetic but because with today’s tools, they don’t know how . Yes, a CEO can say, “My office door is always open” and tell everyone he’s “accessible” and “approachable.” But what if he’s never actually in the office and the only way to communicate with him is to jump into his daily queue of 200-plus emails or Slack messages? Most of today’s workplaces, in fact, minimize the conditions necessary to foster and augment clear communication, leading to widespread distrust, resentment, and frustration. There is more physical distance between teams. There are fewer face-to-face interactions. There is virtually no body language to read. Plus, every few months, things seem to get faster (or maybe we’re all just imagining it), leaving us no choice but to adapt to the newest normal. We become more thoughtless. We grow more accepting of distractions and interruptions, more indifferent to the needs and emotions of colleagues and workmates. This digital disconnect leads us to misinterpret, overlook, or ignore signals and cues, creating entirely new waves of organizational dysfunction. The question is, why ? We are cue-less. It’s worth repeating: nonverbal cues make up 60 to 80 percent of face-to-face communication.7 Anthropologist Edward T. Hall called these signals and cues—posture, proximity, smiles, pauses, yawns, tone, facial expressions, eye contact, hand gestures, and volume—“the silent language.” How do we create connection when up to 70 percent of communication among teams takes place digitally? Our ability to care is compromised. Remember how a handshake after a job well done used to go a long way toward making you feel valued? Today, when team members work in different spheres, departments, offices, and countries, a handshake is impossible. One research study inserted very small delays into video calls to assess how colleagues judged one another. For delays of only 1.2 seconds, people were more likely to be rated as less attentive, friendly, and self-disciplined than if there was no delay.8 Even on video chats, a frozen screen or a weird echo makes it hard for attendees to feel that their contributions are being heard and valued, leaving us with the question: How do we show appreciation nowadays ? Our timing is off. When someone standing two feet away asks us a question, we respond instantly. We also know when a conversation has come to a natural end. But today, we are no longer obliged to respond to someone immediately (we have stuff to do!). At the same time, responding to employees’ or clients’ “urgent” texts five hours later may leave them feeling ignored and resentful. How can we find the balance between busy inboxes and response times that convey respect? Copyright © 2021 by Erica Dhawan

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An instant Wall Street Journal Bestseller The definitive guide to communicating and connecting in a hybrid world. Email replies that show up a week...

Book Details

An instant Wall Street Journal Bestseller The definitive guide to communicating and connecting in a hybrid world. Email replies that show up a week later. Video chats full of “oops sorry no you go” and “can you hear me?!” Ambiguous text-messages. Weird punctuation you can’t make heads or tails of. Is it any wonder communication takes us so much time and effort to figure out? How did we lose our innate capacity to understand each other? Humans rely on body language to connect and build trust, but with most of our communication happening from behind a screen, traditional body language signals are no longer visible -- or are they? In Digital Body Language , Erica Dhawan, a go-to thought leader on collaboration and a passionate communication junkie, combines cutting edge research with engaging storytelling to decode the new signals and cues that have replaced traditional body language across genders, generations, and culture. In real life, we lean in, uncross our arms, smile, nod and make eye contact to show we listen and care. Online, reading carefully is the new listening. Writing clearly is the new empathy. And a phone or video call is worth a thousand emails. Digital Body Language will turn your daily misunderstandings into a set of collectively understood laws that foster connection, no matter the distance. Dhawan investigates a wide array of exchanges—from large conferences and video meetings to daily emails, texts, IMs, and conference calls—and offers insights and solutions to build trust and clarity to anyone in our ever changing world.

Imprint Publisher

St. Martin's Press

9781250246523

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“This book is a welcome and practical guide to the ways in which we need to rethink how we interpret on-screen and inbox behaviour. Developing a common digital body language will help everyone — while also opening a path to better ways for all of us to relate to one another and create a sense of inclusion and belonging.” -- Financial Times “Fascinating, helpful, and engaging … Dhawan offers this timely book on digital body language and creative ways to foster inclusion and belonging in digital communications in the workplace.” -- Booklist “Dhawan’s high-energy advice comes right on time. Anyone trying to find their way through the new normal of office life will learn something from this real-world guide to respectful, productive communication.” -- Publishers Weekly “Written in an approachable style, this will be a useful resource for anyone who struggles with online communication.” — Library Journal " Digital Body Language is an indispensable guide to a business world turned upside down by video calls, group texts, and remote work. With Dhawan’s expert guidance, you’ll learn how to read and send the subtle cues that signal trust, competence, and authenticity. You’ll discover practical tips for using everything from exclamation points to emojis. Most of all, you’ll understand that that effective communication and collaboration begin with valuing others.” — Daniel H. Pink, author of When , Drive , and To Sell Is Human “A profound look at how to foster inclusion and better leadership in our digital world." — Billie Jean King, Founder, Billie Jean King Leadership Initiative "Non-verbal cues are vital to understanding each other. Now that so much communication happens online--and with the massive shift to distance learning and remote workplaces--we need Erica Dhawan’s book more than ever." — Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and founder of Lean In and Option B "One of the most common problems in digital life is that the intended message gets lost in translation, and we get trapped in an ongoing game of telephone. Erica Dhawan has compelling solutions to help us send and receive the right signals.” - Adam Grant, New York Times bestselling author of Think Again and Originals , and host of the TED podcast WorkLife “ Digital Body Language brings us crucial insights and a playbook for communicating in our digital and virtual world!” -Alan Mulally, Former CEO of Boeing Commercial Airplanes and the Ford Motor Company "This book is a breakthrough that will be read for years to come. People are already judging you by how you show up in the digital world, but now Erica Dhawan helps you figure out how to earn the benefit of the doubt." — Seth Godin, Author, The Practice " Digital Body Language is an extraordinary and essential book for our time. With powerful stories and fascinating research, Erica Dhawan masterfully shows that, even in our digital age, we can connect and make change together." --Susan David, author of Emotional Agility "If you're e-mailing, zooming, IM-ing etc. in your important relationships and for getting things done, professionally and personally, this is a must-read. Bravo, Erica." — David Allen, international bestselling author of Getting Things Done "Filled with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, Digital Body Language gives you the tools to understand what can go wrong in communication -- and to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. This book will change forever the way you approach digital conversations." -- Tiffany Dufu, Founder of The Cru “Erica Dhawan is a true master of collaboration . . . no one committed to success and teamwork can afford to miss this opportunity to learn from her.” -- Erik Spoelstra, Head Coach of Miami Heat “I love both the message and the messenger of this brilliant book. Listen to what Erica Dhawan has to say about digital body language—and then take her advice. This is the contemporary guidebook for inclusion and authenticity in the workplace, no matter our distance.” -- Subha Barry, President of Working Mother Media " Trust is the ultimate currency in the digital age. This book is a must-read for leaders, offering tangible and authentic ways to strengthen trust and create a virtual work environment where people feel they truly belong." -- Ellyn Shook, Chief Leadership and Human Resources Officer, Accenture “This book is a gigantic leap towards communicating well in the digital age. It is a mandatory guide for anyone who wants to decode all the cryptic messages we are sending and receiving and be a more effective communicator and collaborator online.” —Rob Nail, Co-Founder of Singularity University “We are living at a time when becoming skilled in Digital Body Language is non negotiable. For everyone. It’s the digital application of emotional intelligence. I can’t think of anyone who would not benefit from reading this book.” —Peter Bregman, CEO of Bregman Partners and Author of Leading with Emotional Courage “In a world where innovation increasingly happens on-line, we must unlock the full potential of digital conversations and avoid its plentiful traps. Digital Body Language shows you how.” —Alex Osterwalder, entrepreneur, business model innovator, and author "A must-read for anyone wishing to introduce better communication and greater empathy in their workplace." -- Pat Mitchell, Co-Founder; Curator TEDWomen; Chair, Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center

About the Creators

Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection No Matter the Distance

Erica dhawan. st. martin’s, $28.99 (288p) isbn 978-1-250-24652-3.

Reviewed on: 02/17/2021

Genre: Nonfiction

Paperback - 288 pages - 978-1-250-85262-5

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Executive talent, digital magazine from aesc, communicating in the new normal: digital body language with erica dhawan.

“Digital tools that got little traction for years are now business requirements, not only for productivity, but also for client engagement, business development, even social connection and celebration. The question we have to ask ourselves is no longer how will we adapt to our new normal, but more importantly, how will we create a better normal?”

Erica Dhawan , AESC Virtual Conference. May 12, 2021

Erica Dhawan is an award-winning speaker, author and student of innovation and collaboration who spoke about digital body language, why it matters and how to use it to master sales and engagement at the 2021 AESC Virtual Conference, “Thriving in the Next Normal.”

A New Language Barrier

In a recent study of over 3000 office workers Dhawan found that the average employee is wasting up to four hours per week on poor, unclear or confusing digital communication. If roughly three-fourths of face-to-face communication is nonverbal body language, what are we missing when we are no longer communicating face to face? When we are engaging with people on screen, Dhawan said, “We can't just sense if someone's on the verge of tears or really excited; we can't read the ‘lean in,’ in a sales conversation with a client, the way we used to.” Communicating digitally – through email, via text, on screen or by using digital collaboration tools requires that leaders and colleagues reimagine collaboration, trust and engagement.

A New Skill Set

In order to communicate effectively and build a level of connection and trust no matter the distance, Dhawan argued that we need to build a critical skill called digital body language. “Digital body language is the cues and signals we send in our digital communication that make up the subtext of our messages.”

In her keynote, Dhawan presented five key principles of digital body language to mitigate the weaknesses and leverage the benefits of the way we communicate in the digital age.

1. BREVITY CREATES CONFUSION The pressure to communicate quickly can often cause us to take shortcuts, skip critical details, and sometimes leave out context altogether.

Dhawan illustrated the point with an anecdote about a leader who sent a no-subject calendar invitation to a colleague who had recently heard about budget cuts. Because there was no subject line in the meeting request, the colleague thought he was about to get fired when the leader only wanted to talk about a client project. The lesson: never confuse a brief message with a clear message.

In another illustration, a chief marketing officer was working with one of her service providers reviewing a deck they prepared for her, and she said ‘let's iterate on this topic a bit more.’ That team went back and spent about 10 hours creating five new slides. When she got back to them and said, ‘I actually just wanted two more bullet points,’ imagine how de-motivated the team felt. Dhawan explained, “We have to understand that brevity creates confusion, that we must choose to be clear, not brief, even when we feel rushed to be fast in a digital world.”

"Communicating digitally – through email, via text, on screen or by using digital collaboration tools requires that leaders and colleagues reimagine collaboration, trust and engagement. " Erica Dhawan

2. COMMUNICATE YOUR MIND. In all of our messages we have to make certain we are clear about our intentions and our expectations: what is the ask? What is the priority level? Why do you and others need this information? Dhawan described some of her clients’ highly efficient email acronyms. WINFY means ‘what I need from you,’ and senders are required to answer that question at the top of the message. Other acronyms indicate required response times. For example, 2H means ‘I need this in two hours.’ 4D means ‘I need this in four days.’ NNTR means ‘no need to respond.’

“We have to bring nuance back because body language is transformed, online,” Dhawan said.

Consider this: Does a word in upper case connote excitement? Urgency? Anger? Is a period at the end of a text message passive-aggressive, or just good grammar? Are multiple question marks friendly, or accusatory? “This is the brave new world we're in,” Dhawan said.

3. HOLD YOUR HORSES. The pressure to communicate fast often rewards the first people to respond to an email or the quickest person to jump in on a zoom call, instead of what might be the most thoughtful idea. Dhawan explained, “When we just reward the first person who responds or the three people who agree, we may miss out on the fourth person who disagrees. When certain people over-talk in video calls, we may not hear from someone who has a different perspective.” Hold your horses means being intentional about showing good digital body language.

Being intentional can be as simple as sending an agenda or questions in advance, to give introverts time to process ideas before a meeting. Calling on people according to a set order ensures everyone has an opportunity to speak, not just the most vocal or confident team members. Dhawan advised, “Holding our horses will allow us to choose thoughtfulness over hastiness.”

4. ASSUME THE BEST INTENT. So much is lost in digital communication, it is easy to misread, misunderstand, jump to conclusions, and assume the worst. Dhawan cautioned, “We are tone deaf. We need to become tone deft in a digital world.” Dhawan’s tips to avoid imagining and reacting to slights that aren’t there include:

• Check your interpretations before responding.
• Always give others the benefit of the doubt.
• Choose positive intentions.
• Know when to pick up the phone.
• Don't get emotionally hijacked.
• Don't respond with passive aggressiveness.
• Sleep on it

“These simple things can go a long way in creating that culture of empathy, respect, connection, and frankly sales in our modern world.” Dhawan said.

5. FIND YOUR VOICE. Finding your voice means knowing whether you, your leaders, your team members, and your clients are introverts or extroverts, digital natives or digital adapters. It means understanding different cultural norms. This understanding can improve how you work with others, and help you resist the impact of any implicit bias. For example:

• Introverts prefer time to think. Send agendas and questions in advance. Don't interrupt their speaking. Consider a set speaking order. Create downtime between meetings.
• Extroverts like their airtime so know how to give it to them, but manage it: have breakout rooms, use working sessions, use virtual whiteboards. If extroverts can write their ideas before they speak, it helps them become more concise.
• Digital natives thrive in text shorthand. They hate voicemail, but they may send a voice note. They don't like phone calls out of the blue.
• Digital adapters prefer phone and in person communication. They may be more reluctant with new tech. They prefer higher quality, less frequent messages.
• In traditionally Eastern cultures much more formal digital body language is the norm, including more context, greeting people and exchanging niceties before asking for something.
• In more traditionally Western cultures people are much more direct and to the point.

Cultivating the essential skill of digital body language requires learning to use what is authentic to ourselves, but also understanding how to connect with the digital body language of others. How to determine the preferred language of others? “Sometimes that requires simply asking them,” Dhawan said.

“We have different preferences and setting some clear hybrid collaboration norms is incredibly important right now.”

Tips for refining your digital body language:

• Know when to pick up the phone. Dhawan said, “I'm such a fan of the lost art of the phone call and how it can solve problems that are wasting us so much time in texts, email, chat tools, slack tools, you name it.”
• Make your meetings accessible through closed captioning to alleviate hearing and language barriers, or record meetings so people can listen again or read a transcript.
• Send quick recap emails summarizing the key points and insights and confirming next steps within 30 minutes of a meeting. For Dhawan, “It’s like the new, virtual handshake.”
• Activate what's been best about our digital world to make meetings even better, for example by having an existing client briefly join a sales pitch to a prospective client or showing short videos to enhance an on-screen meeting.
• And when you are in that face-to-face meeting? Put your phone on do not disturb, so you’re not looking down at your screen when someone is trying to make eye contact with you.

The way we communicate has been transformed into a lexicon we are only beginning to understand. In her recently published book Digital Body Language Dhawan offers a lively and accessible guide to navigating the new reality of communication and developing the critical skills for building trust and connection in the digital world.

Digital Body Language is available at www.dblbook.com and booksellers worldwide.

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Is your body language over Zoom sending the wrong signs?

For many, social interaction during the pandemic has been limited to video calls or other digital communications, making it difficult to read a room.

While some employees have begun to go back into the office , a recent study from UpWork, a freelancing platform, estimates that 1 in 4 Americans will be working remotely through 2021. The study estimated that by 2025, more than 36 million Americans might be working remotely permanently.

Whether you're on a conference call or doing a virtual happy hour, NBC News investigative and consumer correspondent Vicky Nguyen has some tips on how to decode body language for your next video call, no matter how many screen freezes or audio glitches get in the way.

TMRW x TODAY How to communicate clearly when working remotely

How to learn digital body language:.

Erica Dhawan, the author of self-help book "Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection No Matter the Distance," sat down with Nguyen to talk about things people should keep in mind while collaborating online .

"It is more important than ever to make sure that we're conscious of the signals we're sending," Dhawan said. "Digital body language are the new cues and signals we send that make up the subtext of our messages in digital communication. Everything from our punctuation to our response times to our video backgrounds in a video call make up signals of trust, respect and even confidence in our modern world."

Just like traditional body language, digital body language is important — and it takes time and practice . Nguyen gathered a group of producers for a conversation over Zoom, then had Dhawan analyze their body language and behavior.

TMRW x TODAY Miss your office bestie? How to maintain friendships while working from home

Dhawan noticed a "few nonverbal signals" like fidgeting hands and eyes glancing off camera, which can be signs that someone is unsure or caught off guard. Another frequent sign was crossed arms, which could signal "anger or defensiveness," though the crossed arms were usually accompanied by a smile, which "showcases a focus or that someone is listening." Other common signs, like quick blinking, can indicate stress, while a furrowed brow might indicate confusion.

Your camera placement also matters. Dhawan recommends making sure that you aren't sitting too close to the camera, and that the angle is placed so that "individuals are not looking up your nose or at your forehead."

Add in some nods and smiles while looking straight into the camera, and you'll come off like an engaged and effective communicator.

Stay focused by limiting distractions.

Another issue can be managing distractions to avoid appearing distracted. One producer admitted that he was preoccupied by emails, which came in even while he was looking at the camera.

Dhawan said that the best way to manage distractions is run the meeting like you would run an in-person one: Plan a focused agenda that can help people stay on track.

To avoid cross talk, Dhawan recommends using the chat feature to ask questions, or call on people randomly so that people stay focused on the meeting. You can also hide your self-view to stay even more focused on other participants in the meeting.

TMRW x TODAY Starting a new job during the coronavirus pandemic? Here's what I've learned

Don't forget about texts and emails..

Other forms of communication, like texts and emails, are also an important part of working from home . While people should put some thought into the way they communicate through these platforms, it's also important to avoid overanalyzing the messages you're receiving: Always assume positive intentions from the other person.

Dhawan compared reading messages and emails carefully to close listening, and said that it can be important to consider the medium you're using. Texting has a less formal feel than email, so people may act differently depending on how they're communicating.

If you ever are confused, Dhawan recommends cutting to the chase: Just pick up the phone and give the other person a call!

Kerry Breen is a reporter and associate editor for  TODAY.com , where she reports on health news, pop culture and more. She holds a master’s degree in journalism from New York University. 

Vicky Nguyen is the Investigative and Consumer correspondent for NBC News. See her reports on “TODAY,” “Nightly News with Lester Holt,” and MSNBC.

Conor Ferguson is a consumer investigative producer with the NBC News Investigative Unit.

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Digital body language for the post-pandemic era.

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The awkward pause on a Zoom call. The brusque, ambiguous email. The context-free meeting invite. When online interactions are so easily misconstrued, effective communication is essential. As the author of the new book  Digital Body Language , Erica Dhawan, MBA ’12, trains corporate leaders to connect fluently in this new era of remote work, with clients ranging from the US Army to Pepsi to Deloitte.  

Her mission is deeply personal, rooted in her memories of being a timid elementary schooler in Pittsburgh. 

“My parents were Indian immigrants, which meant that we spoke Hindi at home. When I got to school, I was the quietest kid in the class,” she remembers. “One of the strengths I developed because I was so shy was an ability to observe and decipher body language. I would watch the popular girls with their head tilted to the side, the cool kids slouching during school assemblies. I really tried to assimilate to the world of American body language.”

Fast-forward 30 years, and she’s using that hard-won intuition to decode a digital-first world where visual and written cues matter more than ever. In addition to her writing, she delivers keynotes to Fortune 500 companies—for the past five years, at a rate of 40 to 70 talks per year.  

“We’re all immigrants to the world of digital body language,” she says. “I’m committed to building a movement of knowledge and training for what I believe are the skills of the new post-pandemic era.”

Those skills hinge on what she calls connectional intelligence. The concept, which prioritizes deep, quality interactions, contrasts sharply with typical measures of virtual success: number of Twitter followers, LinkedIn connections, or Zoom meetings per day.

“We’re living in a digital communications crisis, where the reaction is to connect more instead of connecting intelligently,” she says. People with connectional intelligence understand which meetings should be calls, and when to look directly at the camera during a Zoom to signal attention: “They know to never confuse brevity with clarity, that reading carefully is the new listening, and writing clearly is the new empathy.” 

New ways of working prompted by the pandemic, she believes, could allow workplaces to become “more geographically inclusive, less visually biased toward traditional body language, and more creative about engaging anyone, anywhere, to be part of a solution.” 

Dhawan has two children and enjoys Bollywood dance in her spare time. Dancing, she says with a laugh, “taught me that when we’re connecting with others, everything is a performance.”

This article also appears in the  November/December 2021 issue  of  MIT News  magazine, published by  MIT Technology Review .

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How to effectively use body language

Volume 2021, Number February (2021), Pages 1-6

Communication Corner: How to effectively use body language Philip Yaffe DOI: 10.1145/3447263

Each " Communication Corner " essay is self-contained; however, they build on each other. For best results, before reading this essay and doing the exercise, go to the first essay " How an Ugly Duckling Became a Swan ," then read each succeeding essay. Learn how to use body language when delivering a speech or presentation. This installment of Communication Corner presents the practical aspects of body language such as eye contact, gestures, and vocal intonation to name a few.

Some people claim how you deliver a speech is much more important than what you actually say, in particular "body language." This is nonsense. If your objective is to convey important information and ideas, or to convince people to consider and adopt your point of view, words are crucial. No matter how effectively you employ your body, if people can't easily understand and assimilate what you are saying, your effort is useless.

This can easily be demonstrated. Many great orators of the early to mid-20th century moved audiences—and indeed changed the course of history—via radio, where body language was not an option.

This is not to say the various elements of body language are not important, but they should be kept in proportion; otherwise, they can become seriously detrimental.

For example, some speakers regularly pace back and forth in front of an audience because they believe movement attracts and holds the audience's attention. Indeed, it does. However, when movement is mechanical and as predictable as a metronome, it has exactly the opposite effect. Likewise, speakers who mechanically wave their hands around or constantly shift their weight from one foot to the other are making the same mistake.

The true purpose of body language is not to focus attention on the speaker, but to emphasize what they are saying. Movements that take on a life of their own are counterproductive.

So what should be the proportion between words and movement in a successful oral presentation? This question has no answer, because it makes no sense. It all depends on what the speaker is saying and what kind of response they seek to achieve.

Perhaps the best overall advice on the subject comes from Toastmasters International, the worldwide club (not a school) devoted to improving public speaking. In their manual for members (some 360,000 individuals across 145 countries), they say:

Body language should look natural and unrehearsed, and be consistent with the words being spoken. Using body language that is comfortable for you and enjoyable for your audience takes thought and practice. After you have drafted your speech, read it and note any places where body language would be appropriate and help convey your message. Try several different ways of using your arms, hands, and facial expressions. Match your gestures to your words. You should be compelled to gesture and make facial expressions when your thought requires such action.

In short, body language must complement and reinforce your words, never overpower them.

With this theoretical framework in mind, let's look at some of the practical aspects of body language.

Eye Contact

The first thing on virtually everyone's list of body language components is eye contact. This is because if you can make some kind of personal bond with your audience, i.e. if they feel that they are being recognized as individuals, they will pay closer attention and give greater credence to what you are saying.

Many novice speakers seem to want to look anywhere but at the audience, e.g. at the floor, the ceiling, the walls, their notes, their hands. When they do look at the audience, it is almost as if they are looking at an amorphous blob, or right through them as if they weren't even there.

It is not enough to just regularly gaze around the room as if your head were on a swivel. Each time you move you gaze, try to focus on a single individual listener. Look them directly in the eyes for 5–10 seconds. The larger the audience, the less apparent it will be at who you are looking, but this doesn't matter. The important thing is to look at them as individuals, not as a group.

Facial Expressions

Express emotion with facial expressions. If you are pleased by something, smile. If you are disturbed by something, look perplexed. If you are calling the audience to action, show determination. In short, whatever you are feeling, try to inscribe it on your face. In principle, your words and tone of voice should be enough; however, emphasis shown by an appropriate facial expression can significantly boost the effect.

Unconscious Gestures

Unconscious gestures are those you do without being aware of them. They are perhaps best described as "distracting mannerisms." Since they add nothing to your presentation, they can only detract from it. Unconscious gestures include such things as fidgeting, twitching, lip biting, key jingling, hands in the pockets or behind the back, etc.

Such distracting gestures are difficult to overcome by yourself because they are unconscious; you are not aware that you are doing them. A good way to overcome them is to videotape yourself while you are practicing a speech. Another way is to have a friend observe you while you are practicing a speech.

Perhaps the best way is to join a self-help group such as Toastmasters International. Some distracting mannerisms may not reveal themselves during a practice session, but only when you are in front of an audience. Noting and helping members overcome these distracting mannerisms in front of a live audience is integral to what Toastmaster meetings are all about.

Conscious Gestures

Conscious gestures are those that you use deliberately because they add energy and increase the impact of your presentation. The number of such gestures is almost limitless. As Toastmasters advises, the key thing is that your gestures should match your words. You should be compelled to gesture and make facial expressions when your thought requires such action.

For example, counting off a series of items on your fingers; holding your hands apart to show height or length; or drawing a square, a circle, a triangle in the air with your hands to show the shape of something, etc.

On occasion, you may also wish to use your entire body. For example:

• When you want to emphasize something, take a step or two toward the audience, which suggests that you are taking them into your confidence.
• When you have completed one section of your presentation and want to start on the next, take a couple of steps to the left or right of the speaking area. Ideally, this maneuver should be made without speaking. The two or three seconds of silence necessary for the movement is a clear signal to the audience that an important change in the presentation is about to take place.

The number of ways you can effectively use your body to reinforce your words is virtually endless. But at all times, bear in mind that reinforcing your words is the overriding purpose of body language. You should be compelled to make such gestures because your words call for them. Otherwise, leave them alone.

How to Effectively Use Vocal Variety

Have you ever read a text where virtually every sentence contained at least one word in italics, or one word underlined, or double underlined? And virtually every sentence was punctuated with an exclamation mark, or two exclamation marks, or even three exclamation marks? If you have, chances are you didn't read much of it.

It is the writer's craft (it is not an art) to make their appeal by the words they choose and how they weave them into clear, concise, logically structured sentences and paragraphs. Weighing down writing with such obvious attention-soliciting artifices as double underlining and multiple exclamation marks not only betrays the writer's lack of skill, it is seriously counterproductive.

On the other hand, a speech delivered without analogous oral artifices is equally counterproductive because most listeners are likely to find it dull, tedious, and soporific.

Why this dichotomy?

Fundamentally, it is because with a text, the reader sets the environment and controls the flow of information. With a speech, the listener controls nothing; they are dependent on the speaker.

Oral artifices employed to guide the listener's attention come under the heading "vocal variety." They are used to emphasize key words and phrases by raising and lowering the volume of the voice, raising and lowering the pitch of the voice, emphasizing and de-emphasizing specific words. And often by apparently doing nothing at all, i.e. pausing.

Judicious use of vocal variety ensures listeners receive each point of emphasis and nuance that otherwise would go by too quickly for them to capture and analyze it. Moreover, the use of vocal variety is entertaining.

However, we must be careful not to go to extremes. Each vocal variety artifice must be used for a purpose—and that purpose must be to help the listener glean as much as possible from the presentation as quickly and agreeably as possible. And in particular, to ensure the key ideas of the presentation will be understood and retained days, weeks, and even months later.

To achieve this objective, you should build in vocal variety as you prepare your oral presentation.

It is usually preferable not to do this in the first draft, which should be dedicated to getting down all your relevant information in reasonably comprehensible form. Starting from the second draft (all oral presentations require at least two drafts), look for places where vocal variety could help your cause, and then clearly mark them.

The four principal types of vocal variety you will want to consider are:

• Pace. One of the easiest ways to give emphasis to a phrase or a sentence is simply to slow down from your normal pace as you say it. Listeners can't help but notice that a change is taking place, so they pay closer attention.
• Pitch. Use pitch to help convey different emotions. A sad voice will have a different pitch than a happy one; an excited voice will have a different pitch than a bored one, etc.
• Volume. Volume (loudness) is also a good way to express emotions. A sad voice will have a different volume than a happy one; an excited voice will have a different volume than a bored one, etc.
• Pause. The simple pause (1–3 seconds of silence) is perhaps the most overlooked—and therefore most underused—form of vocal variety. It is also one of the most important. As all professional entertainers know, not saying something (timing) often speaks volumes.

Philip Yaffe was born in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1942 and grew up in Los Angeles, where he graduated from the University of California with a degree in mathematics and physics. In his senior year, he was also editor-in-chief of the Daily Bruin , UCLA's daily student newspaper. He has more than 40 years of experience in journalism and international marketing communication. At various points in his career, he has been a teacher of journalism, a reporter/feature writer with The Wall Street Journal , an account executive with a major international press relations agency, European marketing communication director with two major international companies, and a founding partner of a specialized marketing communication agency in Brussels, Belgium, where he has lived since 1974. He is the author of more than 30 books, which can be found easily in Amazon Kindle.

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How Your ‘Digital Body Language’ Affects Your Dating Life

I n dating, body language has always been an essential way of communicating what might not be said aloud—nonverbal communication like a lingering glance, a turn toward another person, or a subtle touching of hands can communicate volumes. But for modern daters in an increasingly online world, these tactics aren't always available. That's why experts are making the case that we need to consider digital body language as a crucial part of modern dating.

Digital body language, or DBL, is communication in which digital interaction, like messaging on a dating app or over text, is used to express or convey contextual information. Like conventional body language, DBL is all about reading what isn't being said aloud—non-verbal subtext, if you will,—which means that seemingly commonplace aspects of digital communication, like emojis, punctuation, message length, and response time, are now important ways for daters to gauge potential interest. According to a new study by Hinge about the state of dating for Gen Z , 77% of people who use their platform say that DBL reveals a lot about a match's interests and intentions.

The report, which surveyed over 15,000 Gen Z daters, also found that 69% of those surveyed rely on DBL to decide if they want to commit to going out with someone. Hinge's Love and Connection expert, licensed marriage and family therapist Moe Ari Brown, says that Gen Z's embrace and reliance on DBL should come as no suprise, given the constant presence of technology throughout their lives.

"Gen Z daters are a digital native generation," Brown tells TIME. "They were born with technology and don't know a world without it, but that has made them pretty awesome at interpreting what the online version of verbal and nonverbal cues would be, so they are savvy at reading DBL as a way of understanding someone's dating intentions."

Though interpreting DBL is quickly becoming a necessary part of modern dating, it's presented some unique challenges for daters. Hinge reports that 56% of those surveyed said that they have overanalyzed someone's digital body language and stressed over whether or not someone was actually interested in dating them.

Brown points to the three things Hinge's research found that Gen Z was most concerned with when it comes to DBL: who initiates conversation, the timing of responses, and message consistency. For him, good DBL boils down essentially to the tenets of good communication, regardless of the mechanism.

"Good communication [in dating] is being clear about your intentions from the very beginning," he says. "Good DBL looks like not leaving a lot up to interpretation—so no one-word answers or very short responses. We want to always be thoughtful in our responses and think about how this is going to be received by another person."

Brown says it can be as simple as carefully considering what emojis you use or the punctuation at the end of a sentence. He also makes the case that a good rule of thumb is using the golden rule: treat others as you'd like to be treated.

"Doing a self-check on your digital body language is good—if you put yourself in someone else's shoes and were on the receiving end of what you send and you feel that your communication is very clear, that will probably lead to more dates," he says.

Fluency in DBL has become increasingly important as Gen Z has entered the dating pool. As perhaps the most "online" generation currently dating, Gen Z is 33% more likely than their millennial counterparts, according to Hinge, to say that they feel more comfortable chatting online with a potential partner than they would be in real life. Gen Z daters are also far more concerned with appearing cool to would-be matches. The daters surveyed were 50% more likely than millennials to delay responding to a message, in an effort to "play it cool," even if they were interested in them.

"The downside to DBL is that we might not lean in and make the possible connections that we could," Brown says. "If we're doing too much interpretation and not enough leaning in, then we're not being clear ourselves."

While DBL can be a great way to gauge if there's interest in going on a date, Brown says it shouldn't necessarily be the metric for screening potential partners. He encourages people to use possible differences in communication styles—like if one person texts frequently and the other doesn't respond—as an incentive to get to know them better. In this particular scenario, Brown says being clear and direct about what makes you feel uncomfortable can help resolve the issue and also hint at possible compatibility.

He offers up a script for the situation: "'Hey, I noticed that when we talk sometimes, you stop responding and I don't know whether to follow up with you. I'd love to to keep our response timing more prompt or would love if you respond within 24 hours, just so I know that we're going to keep communicating.'" The other person's response can be quite telling. "If they're not receptive to that, then they don't really have the flexibility that is essential for partnership," he says. "You're not going to have the same communication to begin with. It's really about that person's flexibility and willingness to change it to grow with you. Those are the cornerstones of good partnership."

Brown also emphasizes that having conversations like this can be better in person and stresses that good DBL should lead to in-person connection, not replace it. In other words, while the world is increasingly digital, it appears that there's still nothing quite like getting to know someone IRL.

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Write to Cady Lang at [email protected]