should i force my child to do homework

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The Opinion Pages

May 5, 2014

Forcing Kids to Commit to Their Extracurriculars

KJ Dell'Antonia

KJ Dell'Antonia is the editor and lead writer of the Motherlode blog in The New York Times. She is the co-author of "Reading With Babies, Toddlers and Twos" and is on Twitter .

Bruce Feiler

Bruce Feiler writes the “This Life” column for Sunday Styles in The New York Times. He is the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families," and is on Twitter .

Parents Should Be the Enforcers

Bruce Feiler 6:48 PM

KJ, if you watched any of the Olympics this winter you surely got the message that the athletes owe it all to mom. Procter & Gamble's tearjerker “ Pick Them Back Up ,” part of their “Thank You, Mom” campaign, has gotten over 19 million views. But the commercial that really jumped out at me was the one where the athlete thanked her mom for not letting her quit. It’s so radical I can’t even find it on YouTube. The message: When it got tough, when I wanted to sit in my room and cry, my parents wouldn’t let me.

My wife and I force our daughters to choose a range of extracurricular activities and I in particular don’t let them quit midstream.

As a father, I couldn't agree more with this line of parenting. My wife and I force our daughters to choose a range of extracurricular activities and I in particular don’t let them quit midstream. If they sign up at the beginning of the semester, they have to stick with it until the end. Sure, they can reevaluate over the summer. But for the time being, they've made a commitment to the other players or performers, and they can’t bail.

This has come up twice recently. First, when my kids lost interest in soccer and stopped trying during games. I gave them a stemwinder speech one day about lack of effort. (Where’s the commercial about that dad trait!) They stepped it up for a few weeks, then we all agreed to drop it next season. Next, they hit a rough patch with piano. I wouldn’t back down and a few months later they regained momentum.

I think we’ve gone too far when we ask children to make choices they’re not always capable of making. Michelle Obama has gone against the tide by forcing her adolescent daughters Malia and Sasha to take up two sports: one they choose and one she selects. “I want them to understand what it feels like to do something you don’t like and to improve,” she said . I’m on Team Michelle. Are you?

Let Children Motivate Themselves

KJ Dell'Antonia 6:48 PM

Nope. I'm solidly Team Quitter, and no product manufacturer is ever likely to invite my children to laud me in a commercial (unless it's for coffee). If they don't want to play the sport; if they don't want to practice the instrument; if getting them out of the house to do the activity involves a battle, then as far as I'm concerned, they can stay home.

Outside of academics, I can't see any reason to push my kids into anything they don't want to do for themselves.

I should say that my children are joiners, not quitters, so I may come at this from a different angle. I spend more time saying no — no gymnastics if you also play hockey, no musical instrument if you struggle every night with getting your homework done — than I do trying to push my children into things. It's also easy to let your kids quit activities when you're neither emotionally nor financially invested — when the town soccer league costs $35 per kid, it's not a big deal to let your second grader bail.

But I've been like this from the very beginning. When the "Learn to Play" hockey program required 8 a.m. sessions on both Saturdays and Sundays, I solemnly assured all children interested that getting up to drive them to the rink at 7 in the morning was not something I did for me. If they didn't want to go we weren't going. Every season, I had to make that declaration once, and bring it up once or twice more — "I'm just reminding you that I would be very happy to go back to bed" — and every one of them got on board. So if it was a strategy, it was effective — but the thing is, it wasn't.

Outside of academics, I can't see any reason to push them into anything they don't want to do for themselves, and they know it. So far, I've let children quit piano, violin, guitar, soccer and lacrosse. The only caveat: If quitting involves letting down a team or a group effort, they have to stick with the activity.

Kids Have a Voice, But Parents Should Direct

First, $35 for soccer? What a bargain! I pay that per plié at ballet class. But back to the topic. If I understand correctly, you’re saying that your position is, “Outside of academics, I can’t see any reason to push them into anything they don’t want to do for themselves.” That sounds reasonable, but is it really true? Clearly we’re in agreement that kids shouldn’t pick which subjects they want to study in school. Also, I assume we’re in agreement that kids don’t get to pick whether they have to brush their teeth, take a bath or get tetanus shots.

Why are kids who need our help making other decisions — like when to take baths or do their homework — suddenly allowed to make these decisions on their own?

Why are extracurricular activities any different? Why are kids whom we deem unready to make other decisions entirely on their own suddenly allowed to make these decisions? One thing I heard repeatedly while working on a column I wrote last year about overscheduled children is that kids under 11 or 12 don’t really have enough self-awareness to make informed judgement calls like this quite yet. They need our input. When my kids were picking activities they wanted to try at camp this summer, for example, they picked most, but my wife, channeling her inner Michelle, insisted they pick tennis, because it’s a “lifelong sport.”

When we debated whether kids should help pick their punishments last year, you were critical of my idea that we should invite children into the conversation of deciding which rewards and/or incentives they would respond to. Parents need to be make these decisions, you said. I pointed out that the latest research shows that kids who practice making their own decisions — with the help of parents — actually build up their brains and develop important skills. I feel I’m being consistent here: Kids have a voice; but parents direct. Are you going wobbly on me?

Having the Space to Find Your Bliss Can Pay Off, Too

Nope, no wobbles here. I'd say I do direct, but from further back. We make so many decisions for them already, and our choices affect theirs before we even say a word. They don't play hockey because they begged for sticks at age 2; they play because my husband plays and I skate and it's a community passion. They ski or snowboard because we live where we live, less than five minutes from a very small mountain with slopes. They're interested in First Lego League at least partly because I am, they work taking care of the animals in our barn because we have animals and a barn. If we were musicians, they'd be far more likely to join our band; if we were bird watchers, they'd know a tern from a nuthatch.

There is also a cost in not quitting an activity. Hours spent at the piano are hours not spent finding something you love for itself.

You have put your finger on a small inconsistency. As I said, I'd never let a child quit a team. We're together on that one. But a "rough patch" in piano would likely mean the end of piano here (in fact, it did) at least for a time. It's not that I don't see value in sticking to it, but I see a cost in not quitting as well. Hours spent at the piano are hours not spent finding something you love for itself — and hours spent arguing about the piano? Just not worth it. I should stave off objections by saying they're not putting those hours into video games and television, but that's another debate.

Is there a greater inconsistency in our being in charge of discipline but letting them take charge of whether they'd prefer archery to tennis? I don't think so. We've chosen our battles: my energy goes into, say, insisting they feed the pets nightly without the aid of a sticker chart, not into adding the phrase "practice the piano" to my nightly litany of "musts" and "shoulds." If they don't want to play organized soccer or learn an instrument or even go to camp at all, I'm fine with that.

Family Circumstances Play a Role

We’ve ended up in a pretty interesting place. I grew up in the South, as you know, and in a family business where I had abundant requirements outside of school, including working every Saturday in the family office, learning to file, do bookkeeping and take monthly payments. It would be nice if my daughters could have a similar experience, or that of taking care of the farm or feeding the animals. Instead, they are growing up in the city and in a life that focuses more on intellectual and artistic pursuits. It’s perfect for who they are, though I do feel what’s missing. But this is the life they’re leading, so I’m more willing to push on activities that feed their vernacular, like piano.

Can we agree that we’re both prepared to insist on certain obligations, though we might not agree on which ones?

It’s Not About Activities, It’s About Character

We have peeled this one back! I think you're not alone in substituting activities for the other obligations that ruled over many of our childhoods. We're not really debating the merits of quitting. We're each, like many parents, working to instill the grit and resilience that we see as contributing to our own successes, and I think finding it difficult in a world in which very little is truly a requirement . We want to raise children who thrive even when things get tough.

For many families, tough times are built in; those of us whose lives have been fortunate find ourselves in the somewhat laughable position of essentially creating challenges. I'd agree that having kids make a commitment and stick to it counts — although I have no regrets about the things we've let go.

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Introduction

Recent research suggests that parental involvement is overrated when it comes to school work, but what about outside of school?

Some argue that parents should ease up, and let the wild rumpus start . But others, like Michelle Obama, take a more hands-on approach. It seems that children left to their own devices will turn to their devices , but perhaps this is a risk worth taking .

What level of parental enforcement should there be when it comes to extracurricular activities?

Recent Discussions

Forcing Children to Study: Is It Good or Bad?

It’s hard to fault the child who resists doing homework. After all, she has already put in a long day at school, probably been involved in afterschool activities, and, as the late afternoon spills into evening, now faces a pile of assignments. Parents feel it, too — it’s no one’s favorite time of day.

But despite its bad rap, homework plays an important role in ensuring that students can execute tasks independently. When it’s thoughtfully assigned, homework provides deeper engagement with material introduced in class. And even when it’s “just” worksheets, homework can build the automatic habits and the basic skills required to tackle more interesting endeavors. Finally, homework is a nightly test of grit. Adult life brings its share of tasks that are both compulsory and unenjoyable. Developing the discipline to fulfill our responsibilities, regardless of whether they thrill us, begins in middle childhood.

So how to help the avoidant child embrace the challenge, rather than resist it?

The first step, especially with kids 13 and under, is to have them do their homework at a communal space, like a dining room or kitchen table. If other children are in the home, they can all do their homework at the same table, and the parent can sit nearby to support the work effort. This alleviates some of the loneliness a reluctant child might associate with assignments. The alternative — doing homework at a bedroom desk — can result in the child guiltily avoiding the work for as long as possible. Like all forms of procrastination, this has the effect of making the entire process take much longer than it needs to.  

When parents turn the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they work better and more efficiently.

Many parents are under the impression that they shouldn’t have anything to do with their children's homework. This comes from schools emphasizing that homework is a child's responsibility, not the parents'. While it is absolutely true that parents should not do their children's homework, there is a role for parents — one that's perhaps best described as “homework project manager.” Parents can be monitoring, organizing, motivating, and praising the homework effort as it gets done. And yes, that means sitting with your child to help them stay focused and on task. Your presence sends the message that homework is important business, not to be taken lightly.

Once you’re sitting down with your child, ask him to unload his school bag and talk you through his various assignments. Maybe he has a school planner with all his homework listed, or a printout from school, or perhaps his work is listed on the classroom website. Many children attend an afterschool program where, in theory, they are doing homework. They’ll often claim that they’ve done all their homework, even though they’ve only done some. Together, make a quick and easy “Done/To Do” list. Writing down what she has finished will give her a sense of satisfaction. Identifying what she still needs to do will help her to focus on the remaining assignments. Over time, this practice will help your child build an understanding that large tasks are completed incrementally.

Next, ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking. Doing this helps a child feel in control of the evening’s tasks and prompts him to reflect on his work style. Discuss the first task of the night together. Ask your child to think about the supplies he is likely to need, and ensure they’re at the ready. This “pre-work” work helps a child think through a task, understand it, and prepare to execute it with gusto.

Last but not least, introduce a timer to the evening’s proceedings. Challenge your child to estimate how long the first assignment will take. Then ask, “Do you want me to set the timer for the full amount of time you think you’ll need, or a smaller amount?” Then, set the timer with the understanding that the child must work without interruption until the timer goes off. Even questions are verboten while the timer runs. The goal here is to enable the child to solve problems independently, through concentration. This not only builds concentration powers, it builds creativity, critical thinking, resilience, and resourcefulness. In my experience, the theatricality of being timed helps relax children who would otherwise feel daunted by a mountain of homework.

As each piece of work gets done, parents can add meaningful positive reinforcement. Exclaiming, “Another assignment done! And done well!” helps your child feel like what they are doing matters.

By turning the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they complete the work much more efficiently and at a higher standard than they might otherwise.

Helping the Homework Resisters

• Have children do their work at a communal table. Stay nearby, to alleviate the loneliness that some kids feel — and to prevent procrastination.
• Ask your child to unload her backpack and talk through assignments.
• Help your child make a "Done/To Do" list.
• Ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking — fostering a sense of control.
• Use a timer. Challenge your child to estimate how long an assignment will take, and ask if she wants to set the timer for that full amount of time, or less. 
• Your role: To monitor, organize, motivate, and praise the homework effort as each piece is done. 

Additional Resource

• More about Heather Miller's work to help parents create healthy routines on weeknights

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How Parents Can Help Children Who Struggle with Homework

A s a parent, it’s tough to see your child struggle with homework, and, of course, you feel the need to help. However, helping your child too much can make them dependent on you, so it’s important to know where to draw the line. The best approach is to help your child improve their study habits and skills so that they will have fewer problems with homework. 

Ways to help your child overcome their struggle with homework 

Help your child develop a positive attitude toward learning .

As adults, we resent being forced to do things we don’t want to do and our children are no different. Kids who have a negative attitude toward learning are more likely to struggle with homework. A simple way to help your child develop a positive attitude toward learning is to show them what’s in it for them.

For instance, if your child dreams of becoming a pilot, you can make a colorful flowchart showing how studying hard now can help her achieve her goals. Even if your child doesn’t know what she wants to become when she grows up, you can show her that there are endless possibilities if she studies diligently. This will provide your child with an incentive to learn, which will help to reduce issues with homework. 

Establish a daily homework routine 

A daily homework routine is very important as it sends your child the message that schoolwork is top priority. It is best to start this routine when your child is still young so that he or she will adjust to it and is less likely to struggle with homework issues later on. It is best to schedule homework time before TV or gaming time, and make sure that your child understands that they will not be allowed to watch TV or get on their phones until their homework is finished. 

Create a workspace for homework  

Think of your cubicle at work – it limits distractions, yet allows you to have a quick word with a team member when necessary – which is exactly what your child requires. If your child is struggling with their homework, they are more likely to get distracted. This is why a dedicated workspace is so important.

When deciding on the location of your child’s workspace consider if it’s going to be free of noise and distractions. For instance, don’t set up your child’s workspace in the living room if other family members will be watching TV during that time. 

Create a homework strategy that works for them 

A homework strategy will help your child track and complete multiple assignments without feeling overwhelmed by the workload. Some kids prefer to start with easier homework assignments and then move on to the tougher ones while others prefer to complete the more difficult tasks first.

A simple but effective way to help your child overcome their struggle with homework is to let your child experiment with multiple strategies until they find one that works. Younger kids have shorter attention spans so let your child take a five-minute break between assignments if necessary. 

And, for every age, if study periods run long, incorporate “ brain breaks .” We actually become less productive when we sit too long. A short break allows us to re-focus, destress, and work more effectively. (Pick up our Energizing Brain Breaks Printable for Kids here .)

Use multisensory techniques and study aids  

Researchers have found evidence that students learn a new concept more easily when it is taught using multiple modalities such as sight, hearing, and touch. For instance, when teaching your child a new word, tell him or her to say the word out loud while tracing it in salt or cornmeal using their fingertips. They should repeat this process several times, and then use a pencil to write down the word. This is especially helpful for tricky sight word for kids that don’t follow phonetic patterns. Engaging multiple senses in the learning process will make it easier for your child to study and will reduce their struggle with homework.

Similarly, if your child is older and having trouble with fractions, you can use an apple to help them understand the concept. You can cut an apple into equal portions, and then use the pieces to explain fractions in an innovative and enjoyable manner. You can even let them eat the pieces each time they get the right answer. These simple study aids will help to make learning fun for your child and help them overcome homework problems.

It’s equally important to pinpoint the root cause of homework issues, as it might just be a temporary problem. For instance, if your child has been sick with the flu, they may not have their usual energy, in which case, you can step in and help. Similarly, if your child is prone to seasonal allergies, they might find it tougher to focus during summer or fall, which would affect their studies. You can experiment with several natural ways to treat seasonal allergies in order to help your child recover quickly. 

Any mental stressors are important to address as well. Consult a professional for serious concerns, of course, but every child can benefit from mindfulness activities .

Parents, do you have any other ideas to help children who struggle with homework? Leave us a comment.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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The child does not want to study or to do their homework: what should parents do?

The school year is now starting again and with that, the Internet is blowing up with parents’ search engine inputs: “my child doesn’t want to study”, “how to make my child do their homework?”, “what to do if the child is bored with their studies?”. Every parent is willing to see a studious child in their son or daughter, the one who is running to school with joy and carefully doing their homework. However, what needs to be done if the child is now lacking the willingness to study? Is it worth forcing them or are there any alternative options? You will find the answers to these questions in this article.

Stop having an overly caring approach for your child and give their developing personality an opportunity for freedom. At the same time, do not worry about your child, always know where they are, which path they take to get somewhere and what is happening around them with the “Findmykids” app that can be downloaded from AppStore and GooglePlay .

Finding out the underlying reason

The correct approach of the parents.

• The tips of a psychologist 

8 effective ways to motivate for good study

Does the homework need to be done together with parents.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com

In order to find out why did the urge to acquire new knowledge at school disappears suddenly, the reason for such behavior needs to be found out. This may mean the following:

1. Lack of motivation

The child does not understand the importance and the need of the learning process. In the classroom, they are bored, they do not listen to the teacher, and they prefer to go about their business or chat with classmates.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Why don’t kids want to do homework? The answer is very simple. They are not interested in it.Unfortunately, the school allows only for little practical experience for life and success, together with having plenty of gadgets and “distractions”. Therefore, children at school often do not understand why . Why do they need it? How is it useful in life? It is important to talk with children and to provide answers to these questions. To show and explain things to them through the example of famous “young” people. To try to apply the knowledge gained at school, in life, together. Praise the child’s actions. For example, you can gather your child’s friends and arrange the quest “Why do we need mathematics?” The team that finds more practical examples, gets a pizza.

2. Issues in the relationship between the teacher and the student

⠀ Even one careless word from a teacher can offend a child and affect their attitude towards learning, not to mention obvious conflicts. This is especially true for anxious and vulnerable children.

3. Conflicts with classmates, teasing, bullying

⠀ It is important for parents to pay attention to all sudden changes in the behavior of their son or daughter and to be able to help their child in time if they become the victim of bullying .

4. The unfavorable situation within the family

When parents constantly quarrel, it is difficult for the child to concentrate on educational activities. Well, how can you solve a problem in physics when dad shouts that he will leave the family, and mom replies by saying that she wasted her life on a worthless person?

5. Excessive parental control

There are parents (these are mainly mothers) who are interested in controlling everything that happens within the family, including the school life of the child. This omnipresent control stretches out even to backpacks and birthday presents for classmates. What motivation can we be demanding from a child, if in those situations, mom always knows better, and mom decides on everything?

6. Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence

It is difficult for such children to prove themselves at school. Raising a hand to answer a teacher’s question, calling a classmate and asking them about homework proves itself to be very problematic for them. If at the same time parents also have excessive expectations for the child and criticize them for the smallest mistakes, the son or daughter starts being anti-social and acts according to the principle of “choosing something with the smallest negative impact”. The child starts skipping lessons, stops doing homework and starts getting bad grades. Why bother if their efforts will still not be appreciated?

7. Excessive workload of the child after school

Swimming classes on Monday and Thursday, dance on Wednesday and Tuesday, art school on other days. Sounds familiar? Many parents strive to oversaturate the schedule of their child. As a result, the psyche turns on defense mechanisms, protecting their brain from the excessive effort. The child begins to be lazy and to postpone their homework until late at night.

8. Physiological reasons

Hyperactivity , weak self-control, somatic diseases – here is an incomplete list of what can also affect a child’s lack of desire to sit at a desk and to do their homework.

A combination of reasons

The next example is exactly about that.

As it can be seen, a child may have several reasons not to be willing to study. Most often, it is not one single reason, but rather a whole set, with which parents need to get familiar.

Dear mums and dads! If you would be actually forcing the child to study, it would be unlikely that something good will turn out from this. Anything that is done when being forced or under pain of punishment will not be beneficial. So let’s not force children to learn, but rather encourage them to do so. The competent stance of the parent will help them with this.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] It is surely possible to force the child to study. However, this will need to be done throughout the entire 9 to 11 years.When we force children, we assume our responsibility for them. On the other hand, we also really want the children to be independent and to do their homework. Therefore, should this be possible, we need to establish the rules for learning right from primary school. There is no need to do homework with a first grader – the parent’s function is to help them not to get distracted from this activity. If the student is older, the issue needs to be solved through motivation and encouragement.

Realistic perception of the situation

What do most parents do if their child doesn’t want to learn? That’s right, they turn to drastic measures, such as physical punishment. It is very likely that your parents did this, and that you also often do this.

Let’s leave the screaming, the abuse and the punishment out of the picture. They won’t do help in any way. “Horror stories” about becoming a janitor without the willingness to do study, will not be of any help either.

Parents need to understand that a child’s reluctance to learn always stems from a specific reason.

Learn how to react correctly to the child misbehaving in the article about the 10 ways to punish your child without screaming, hitting and humiliation .

In order for the child to start dealing with their problems in autonomy, it is important for them to hear the following from their parents:

• “I believe in you”;
• “Everything will work out”;
• “We will sort out this problem together”;
• “There are no unresolvable problems”.

Parents can do the following:

• explain what has not been understood on their own;
• hire a tutor;
• talk to the teacher;
• alter the position of the parent;
• go to the neurologist together;
• find a solution to problems at school collectively with your son or daughter.

Find out whether your child is being bullied at school and whether they are being treated well by their teachers, in order to solve the problem in a timely manner. Listen to the sounds around them and monitor their location in real-life conditions with the “Findmykids” app.

Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Prostock-studio/Shutterstock.com[/caption] Sign an agreement with the child, an actual written one. Clearly outline what they are entitled to for “voluntary” completion of the lessons and what is the “punishment” for not completing a task. Incentive schemes work well with older children, for example, if the child was doing their homework all week, on the weekend the whole family goes where the child chooses to go. Stickers with “well done” on them, work great with younger students.

How to help your child?

The tips of a psychologist

From generation to generation, we have passed on an unwillingness to learn. Children start being scared of learning right from kindergarten: “When you go to school, the teacher will not take your tantrums into consideration, they will immediately give you a bad grade”, “if you behave badly, you will be taken to the headmaster’s office”. The child is prepared for the fact that it will be difficult, uninteresting, and painful to study, in advance.

• Try to talk positively about the school and the teachers. The school is the foundation and base of the child’s entire future life.

When a child’s feelings are denied, they quickly lose interest in any activity, including studying. The child says, “This is a very difficult task. I will never complete it, and receives in response: “You are just very lazy, everything seems difficult for you”.

• Let the children share their fears and concerns with you, even if they seem like they are blown out of proportion to you.
• In a family, a child can find everything they need. Listen more and judge less, and then the children themselves will want to share their problems with you.

The desire to raise a genius out of a child with excellent grades in all subjects leads to nervous breakdowns and low self-esteem, because a son or daughter cannot always reach the standard set by their parents. The same applies to unfulfilled parental expectations, when, for instance, a mother dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer so much, that she decided that her daughter must make her dream come true.

The issue of all parents is to be comparing them with other children. “You see, Pete always gets straight As, and you only get Cs and Ds”, “you see, Lara has been doing the homework on her own for a while now, and you are still asking for my help”. The child starts silently hating Pete and other kids, thinking of themselves as the biggest loser.

• If you are comparing the child with someone, compare them only with themselves: “You see, last year it was hard for you to learn the rules of multiplication, and this year it is super easy for you!”
• Praise your children more often for their achievements, even for small ones.
• Explain why it is so important to go to school and what it will give your child in the future.
• Do not scold them for poor grades, the child is already upset with this. Try to figure out the reason for them in the first place.
• Don’t “reimburse” good grades with gadgets, fashionable items or other purchases.
• Talk to the child more often about their dreams and plans for the future.
• It is important to teach the child the time management skills for their time after school, so that there is enough time for both rest and homework.
• The stance that “grades are not important, however, the acquired knowledge is”, is a useful one for both parents and children.
• Do homework with your child only if they ask for help.

Now let’s address the question that worries many parents. Should I help my child with homework? If you do not help, they will make a bunch of mistakes, or forget to learn the poem or will not even turn in the DIY airplane model for their arts & crafts project.

According to the “biggest-ever” study on parents and children carried out in 2018 by the Varkey Foundation on a sample of 27 000 people from 29 countries, suggests that overall, only 25% of parents spend on average 7 or more hours a week helping their children with homework. Moreover, nearly 30% of all parents feel that they need to help their children more and to be more responsive to their needs.

Here is what today’s mums and dads recall about their childhood:

1. “I always had problems with math at school. Well, I did not understand all these sin and cos, integrals and functions! In the 6th grade, my father took over my education. And since he was not a very good teacher, he explained all the topics to me in a raised voice, got angry when I did not understand something. As a result, we quarreled, he called me stupid and said that nothing good would turn out from me. Maybe some mathematical knowledge remained in my head, but my relationship with my father got fully ruined”.

2. “My mother took the matter of my homework into her own hands from my first grade. We sat down with her and did it for hours until she was happy with the result. Sometimes my mother was annoyed that I was doing it very slowly, and she did some of the tasks instead of me. When she was not at home, I never did the homework myself. What for? She wouldn’t be happy about something in it anyway, and I’ll have to redo it”.

As we can see, the parental attempts to control the process of performing the tasks may not always be beneficial for the child.

What is recommended by professionals:

• in the first grade, parents need to do their homework with their child, but only in order to organize the whole process. Teach your son or daughter some easy tricks, for example, starting off with doing written tasks followed by oral tasks, that a complex math problem is to be firstly done on a draft and that a test or an exam requires some preparation in advance;
• allocate a special time for homework with your child, for example, from 5 pm to 7 pm. Help them organize their workplace and space, ensure they have good lighting;
• do not refuse to help if the child asks you for it. However, don’t try to do it instead of them, but rather do it together with them;
• homework is the workload of a child, and only they should be responsible for it, not mom or dad, as they have completed all of their homework a long time ago.

Dear parents, remember: your goal is not to force the son or the daughter to study, but to create such an atmosphere within the family where the child would have an opportunity to share any of their problems, where they are recognized and appreciated not through their grades and where they will be able to acquire the knowledge for their future adult life.

Delving into the intriguing history of education, one of the most pondered questions arises: Who…

Understanding time is a key skill for kids to learn, and the good news is…

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Is it Okay to Nag Kids to Do Their Homework?

• The Problem with Nagging

Allow for Natural Consequences

• Motivate Your Child

Problem-Solve Together

After sitting in school all day, most kids can find lots of things they would rather do than sit down and do their homework. And now that kids have access to electronic devices, it's no surprise that that they'd rather play video games than solve math problems.

And some kids just don't like to do their school work. It can be frustrating to a parent who tries to constantly remind a child to "Do your spelling."

Nagging a reluctant child to do his work isn't effective. In the long-term, all that nagging might actually backfire.

The Problem with Nagging

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology , found that children do best when parents encourage them to be independent with their homework. The researchers found that children needed autonomy to become fully engaged learners.   

Nagging doesn't encourage independence. Constantly saying, "Don't forget to do your homework," and, "I'm not going to tell you again. Sit down and do your homework," means you're taking on more responsibility than your child is to get his homework done.

If you spend your evening nagging, begging, and trying to motivate your child to do his work, you’re likely putting more energy and investment in their work than they are.

Nagging until your child finally gives in doesn't teach self-discipline . Instead, they may comply to get you to stop nagging, not because they think it is important to do their homework.

Nagging also makes your child more dependent on you. He may not worry about managing his time or tracking his assignments if he knows you're going to offer frequent reminders.

Nagging also teaches your child that he doesn’t have to listen to you the first time you tell him something. If he knows you’re going to say “Do your homework,” at least 10 more times, he’s not going to be motivated to do it the first nine times you say it.

Sometimes,  natural consequences  are the best teachers. So rather than nag your child to get her work done, step aside and see what happens. 

Consider what consequences she might face at school if she doesn't get her homework done. Will she have to stay in for recess? Will the teacher make her stay after school? Will she get a zero? For some children, these consequences can be very effective. 

Of course, those strategies won't work for everyone. If your child doesn't care what kinds of grades she gets or she seems unaffected by the consequences the teacher hands out, she isn't likely to learn a life lesson if you allow for natural consequences.

But for other children, simply allowing them to face the consequences of their own behavior can be key to helping them learn. 

Motivate Your Child to do His Work

A report card alone doesn’t motivate every child. Many kids are more concerned with what’s going on today, not what sort of a grade they will receive on a report card in a few months. These kids need more immediate positive consequences to motivate them.

You can motivate your child to get his work done by setting limits with electronics. Establish a household rule that says, "No electronics until homework is done."

Then, leave it up to your kids to decide when to do their work. The earlier they get it done, the more time they'll have to do the things they like. If they choose not to do their work, restrict their privileges until they complete their assignments.

You can also provide extra incentives with a reward system .

If your child gets their homework done on time every day, consider giving them a little reward on the weekend.

Or, use a token economy system by providing him with a token each day he gets his work done. Let him exchange the tokens for rewards worth various points. Get him involved in choosing the rewards and he’ll be motivated to earn them.

When your child struggles to do his work, it can be helpful to problem-solve together. The work may be too difficult or perhaps he forgets to write down his assignments. If you work together to solve the problem you may find fairly easy solutions that will help him to do his work independently.

Ask your child, "What would help you get your work done on time?" You might be surprised to hear his ideas. It could be as simple as allowing him to do his work after dinner, so he can have a break when he comes home from school. Or, he may say he needs more help with a particular subject.

Inviting your child's input can help him become motivated to find a solution. Then, he'll be more likely to do his homework, with fewer reminders from you. 

Doctoroff GL, Arnold DH. Doing homework together: The relation between parenting strategies, child engagement, and achievement . J Appl Dev Psychol . 2017;48:103-113. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2017.01.001

Fan H, Xu J, Cai Z, He J, Fan X. Homework and students achievement in math and science: A 30-year meta-analysis, 1986–2015 .  Educational Research Review . 2017;20:35-54.

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

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Working Mom Blog | Outside the Box Mom

making life easier for working moms

Why Shouldn’t Parents Force Their Kids to Do Homework?

by RAKI WRIGHT

Through homework, you can also check on your children’s progress in school and whether or not they are grasping the content. However, as important as homework may be, parents should not force their children to do it. There are several reasons why they shouldn’t do this, and here are some of them.

They may find it hard

Parents often spend hours nagging their children to finish their work without trying to help them understand the work they have been given. You can slowly learn how to get your children to do their homework without having to force them. One good option you can use to inspire a student to complete writing assignments is by reading various essay options. They can get ideas from the essays, which will make the assignment seem less hard. You can find lots of great examples if you  look into eduzaurus.com page absolutely free. This popular essay platform offers free online essay samples to students who need well-written essays.

Can cause bad attitude towards school

Learning should be enjoyable for children, and so should homework. However, if you force children to do their assignments, you take away the joy of doing the work. Kids are highly likely to have a bad attitude towards doing the work if forced to do it. Research also states that too much homework among children has a more negative than positive impact. 

Young children will start to despise school due to the work they are forced to do when tired. This is not very good, especially if the child has years’ worth of homework they still have to do before that can call it a wrap. As much as it is given with good intention, make sure you are not forcing your child to do it.

Children need to relax and reboot

After spending a full day in school focusing on academic work, when they go home, what they mostly need is sufficient rest. Your grade 2 daughter doesn’t need to spend hours doing her homework to the point she is dozing off when doing it. At this age, she shouldn’t be doing assignments like she is in high school. 

Now you not only have undone homework, but there’s also a crying child and a tired, exasperated parent. You end up secretly doing their assignment after all this fighting which is not doing the child any good. Let your child rest if they are tired , you can always talk to the teacher if they are not done in the morning.

The responsibility ends up falling on the parent

Parents already have too much on their plate, and having to follow up on a kindergarten child’s homework is not making their lives any easier. Children cannot set aside time when they will voluntarily sit down and start on their homework. You have to be the one to follow them and ensure that they have done it. 

This leads to the repeated cycle of trying to get them to do the work when they are tired. This becomes another night of wails, tears, undone homework, and a tired parent. This is a role you do not very much desire to be taking up daily.

Responsibility and skills can be taught in other ways

The main idea around giving children homework is that they get to learn soft skills and how to be responsible. It is also supposed to test their memory, performance, thinking, and ability to focus. This will not work if the child ends up sleep-deprived since you did not allow them to go to bed until they are done with their homework. 

There are several other ways you can use to teach your 10-year-old responsibility without having to force in them. You can focus on smaller tasks like ensuring they carry back their full set of crayons from school. You could also teach them to pick up their toys and return them when they are done playing with them. 

Forcing your children to do their assignments is not always the way out. It may harm them in the long run. Instead of forcing them to do the homework, find other ways you can use to convince them to do the homework. You can use a reward incentive where if they can finish their homework on time, they get a treat. This will give them that extra push to do the assignment without complaining. Don’t forget that ‘Good job!’ once they are done.

Author’s Bio

Cory Shilling writes for a tech company where he is a key part of the digital marketing team. He writes web content and blogs and, on the side, also does academic writing gigs for an online writing agency. His free time is spent watching NFL games and tv shows and creating memes for social media.

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Why Parents Should Not Make Kids Do Homework

P resident Obama’s pick for Education Secretary, John King, Jr., is headed for confirmation Mar. 9. King’s track record shows he loves standardized testing and quantifying learning. If he loves numbers and research, he should welcome what some teachers and families have known for years: that homework at young ages does more harm than good.

We’re currently enmeshed in a high-pressure approach to learning that starts with homework being assigned in kindergarten and even preschool. Homework dominates after-school time in many households and has been dubbed the 21st century’s “new family dinner.” Overtired children complain and collapse. Exasperated parents cajole and nag. These family fights often ends in tears, threats, and parents secretly finishing their kid’s homework.

Parents put up with these nightly battles because they want what’s best for their kids. But, surprise, the opposite is more likely to be true. A comprehensive review of 180 research studies by Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Harris Cooper shows homework’s benefits are highly age dependent: high schoolers benefit if the work is under two hours a night, middle schoolers receive a tiny academic boost, and elementary-aged kids? It’s better to wait.

If you examine the research—not one study, but the full sweep of homework research—it’s clear that homework does have an impact, but it’s not always a good one. Homework given too young increases negative attitudes toward school. That’s bad news, especially for a kindergartener facing 12 more years of assignments.

Read More: Why You Shouldn’t Do Your Child’s Homework

Children rebel against homework because they have other things they need to do. Holler and run. Relax and reboot. Do family chores. Go to bed early. Play, following their own ideas. Children have been told what to do all day long at school—which is mostly sitting still and focusing on the academic side. Academic learning is only one side of a child. When school is out, kids need time for other things.

Some schools are already realizing this. New York City’s P.S. 116 elementary school made news last year when its principal Jane Hsu abolished homework and asked families to read instead. Individual schools and teachers from Maryland to Michigan have done the same, either eliminating homework in the elementary years or making it optional. But schools also report that if teachers don’t give it, some parents will demand it.

Believers in homework say it teaches soft skills like responsibility and good study habits. That’s another problem with homework in elementary school. Young kids can rarely cope with complex time management skills or the strong emotions that accompany assignments, so the responsibility falls on parents. Adults assume the highly undesirable role of Homework Patrol Cop, nagging kids about doing it, and children become experts in procrastination and the habit of complaining until forced to work. Homework overtakes the parents’ evening as well as the child’s. These roles aren’t easy to shake.

Read More: How Hard Is Too Hard to Push Kids?

When homework comes at a stage when it can academically benefit students, it can also be a student’s responsibility. That means a high school student should be expected to do her homework without being reminded. It may take a year or two of practice in middle school, but it doesn’t require years of practice. Before age 11, responsibility can be taught in other ways. For a 6-year-old, that means remembering to feed the cat and bring home her lunchbox.

If we want students to improve memory, focus, creative thinking, test performance and even school behavior, the answer is not more homework, the answer is more sleep. The National Sleep Foundation reports that our children are suffering sleep deprivation, partly from homework. If we pride ourselves on a rational, research-based approach to education, we must look at the right facts.

Parents often feel stuck with homework because they don’t realize they have a choice. But they do. Schooling may be mandatory, but homework isn’t. Families can opt out. Parents can approach the teacher either about homework load or the simple fact of doing homework at all, especially in elementary school. Many teachers will be more than happy with the change. Opting out, or changing the homework culture of a school brings education control back down to the local level.

That’s another thing the new Education Secretary has promised: to turn more control for education decisions over to states and local school districts. That could spell good news for students – if local teachers and principals do their own homework and read up on what the research says about making kids do school work after school is done.

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What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to School

Why you shouldn't give in..

Updated July 10, 2023 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods

• What Is Anxiety?
• Find a therapist to overcome anxiety
• Social-emotional challenges are normal for school children.
• School refusal can be a symptom of a diagnosable issue like anxiety.
• Avoiding school does not diminish a child's anxiety and may actually worsen it.
• Parents and schools can work together to teach children how to manage their feelings.

It’s always difficult to hear your children yelling or sobbing that they don’t want to go to school. You may be even more sensitive to their reluctance and anxiety because of what an unpredictable place school has felt like for the past two years. So, what do you do when you have scrambled to get all your kids’ school supplies and clothes ready for school only to find that you now must coax them to get there? How do you coach 50 pounds or more of pure resistance to leave the house?

It often seems easiest to pick the path of least resistance. If they tell you they have a sore throat, you may wonder if they really are coming down with something and rationalize keeping them home—especially since sending even slightly sick children to school is frowned upon these days. But there are negative consequences to giving in to your children’s requests to stay home. First, their anxiety about going to school is not likely to diminish and may actually get worse. This is because staying home with you, especially for young children, is comforting and highly valued. Many kids don’t get a lot of one-on-one time with their parents, whether due to their own activities or their parents’ busy schedules. As a result, staying home from school will be very rewarding for your children because they see it as special Mommy or Daddy time they wouldn’t normally get on a school day. After a taste of that, what do you think they are going to choose in the future: going back to school or being with you?

While your children may feel better at home than at school, the social cost of their avoiding school is a clear disadvantage. Many educators and school psychologists like me have seen children struggle with socioemotional challenges like turn-taking, not getting their way, a chilling word from someone, social comparison when a classmate can read a passage more quickly, or a teacher with an unfamiliar teaching style. All these normal situations are moments for learning and growth, but they can’t happen if your child isn’t at school. Practice makes perfect, and when your children have significantly less time to practice, their skills are less well-developed.

A parent whom I have known for years recently told me that even though it was hard for her at the time, she is glad now that her daughter had some difficult stretches in elementary and middle school because without them, she would be too fragile at college without her parents to help her navigate tricky but common situations. Many children have missed out on social practice in the past couple of years due to fewer in-person interactions, and what practice they have had has often been with social distancing or masked peers. Both of these safety modifications altered interactions that kids previously experienced, changing their ability to learn from facial cues and physical contact.

School refusal can be a symptom of diagnosable issues, like anxiety. Many children who display school refusal are also anxious and have either separation anxiety, social anxiety , or generalized anxiety. Separation anxiety is more common in younger children who worry about leaving their parent or caregiver . Social anxiety or performance anxiety tends to occur in older children who worry about how their peers will judge them. And generalized anxiety disorder occurs when people worry about multiple situations, which for children, often includes their performance in the classroom.

One thing we have learned about anxiety is that avoiding situations that make us anxious only makes our anxiety stronger. It doesn’t teach us that we can tolerate unpleasant feelings or that what we fear most will probably not happen. However, people can learn to alter unpleasant feelings in situations that make them anxious by using self-talk , breathing exercises, and distraction to get a handle on their anxiety.

So, what can you do as a parent? First, reach out to your pediatrician if your children are sharing physical complaints. You want to rule out any medical reason for their symptoms. This is not to say that anxiety doesn’t sometimes manifest itself in physical symptoms, but you want to make sure you don’t overlook a medical issue by assuming the physical complaints are due to anxiety. Next, connect with the school so that teachers and administrators know what’s going on and so you can partner with them to develop a plan that will be successful for your children.

A cognitive behavioral plan is commonly employed. This strategy focuses primarily on your children’s cognitions (thoughts and worries) and behavior (the avoidance). It teaches children that their anxiety is a warning signal to them, and that they can learn to tamp down the intensity of their body’s warning signals. They are given techniques to practice that help them manage the intensity of these physical symptoms and begin to realize that they can tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. They are also taught how to challenge the thoughts they may be having that increase their anxiety and that are often inaccurate assessments and exaggerations of the truth.

For more in-depth guidance there are some excellent programs and books. A research-based online program called Coping Cats was developed by Phillip Kendall and Muniya Khanna and has been proven highly effective, and its price is lower than that of most single therapy sessions. There are both a child and a parent component, and you purchase access to the program for different lengths of time. There is also an excellent book written by Tamar Chansky, Freeing Your Child from Anxiety . Strategies recommended by both sets of clinicians target coping, teach how to challenge negative self-talk, and encourage positive self-talk that reflects upon past experiences of success. Parent training, goal setting, and rewarding the child for effort and goal attainment are also often part of a plan.

With younger kids, your approach can be less gradual, in part because theirs is more likely a general anxiety about separation that can likely be addressed with a few days of school success. For the older child, for whom it may be more likely that a particular trauma or event is at the root of the avoidance, gradual re-entry may be the best strategy. The plan may be for the student to be present for shortened days or with lower work demands or with additional academic support if the anxiety is connected to or associated with performance anxiety. The bottom line is that even if it seems easier in the short term to let your child stay home from school, the long-term effects of reinforcing their avoidance can have a lasting negative impact on their social and emotional development as well as on their academic achievement.

Pamela D. Brown, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, certified school psychologist, and licensed professional counselor with over 20 years of professional experience.

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At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

• Emotional Intelligence
• Gaslighting
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

I taught college for almost a decade, and I want parents to stop forcing their kids into college. There are other options.

• Many of my college students told me they were in school because their parents forced them.
• Parents should know that not every kid needs to go to college.
• They can volunteer, take a gap year, go into trade work, or earn a certificate.

During my nine years of teaching college composition classes, I experienced a familiar student-teacher conversation on repeat. Students would confess to me — usually when we had a one-on-one about their plummeting grade — what was really going on. The overwhelming and overriding culprit of my students' college failures was their parents.

To be frank, many students were miserable. They had attempted to express to their parents that they didn't want to go to college, whether in the years leading up to high-school graduation or after starting college life . Their reasons were diverse. Students were unprepared, disinterested, or inadequately supported — be it financially, emotionally, academically, socially, or physically.

No matter the reason, I chose to listen to and believe my students, which is something their parents decided, for their own reasons, not to do.

Many didn't want to disappoint their parents. They were terrified of letting their parents know that money had been "wasted" or that they didn't fulfill their parents' own college dreams for their kids.

I wish I could have said to each of these parents that their child had other options.

Take a gap year

Yes, a gap year sounds incredibly privileged, but hear me out. Instead of parents hemorrhaging money or students going into debt for an education that won't end up in a degree and a job, a gap year could come with stipulations.

Those parameters could include the following: They must be employed part or full time , saving money, and working alongside a well-informed mentor to explore the next steps.

Nothing about a well-planned gap year is wasteful. Honestly, I rarely met a freshman who knew what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. Parents, give your kid some time and wiggle room to mature and consider their future.

Consider a trade

When someone has a plumbing emergency in their home, they summon the first available plumber and (usually) pay whatever the repair cost is — no matter the sum. Desperate times call for desperate measures. That proves there's money in trade work .

The trades are a way for kids who prefer a more hands-on career to become something that brings in a great income — be it a welder, electrician, cosmetologist, dental assistant, or culinary artist.

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Plus, they can usually start working earlier than their college-attending peers and accumulate less debt .

Look into community college

So many students told me their parents turned their noses up at the idea of their child attending a community college , and my question is: Why?

I attended a community college and eventually became a college teacher. Community college is cheaper, sometimes more conveniently located, and offers a less abrupt and extreme step between high school and a university.

Community colleges also can offer more of a community feel than a large university, meaning perhaps more comfortable social engagements for kids who tend to be more introverted or struggle with social anxiety disorder .

Volunteer work is also a great option

Volunteering allows young adults to try different fields without the pressure of knowing how to do the job.

The kid interested in veterinary medicine can volunteer at an animal shelter. The kid interested in becoming a librarian can volunteer to gather books, stock shelves, or staff author events at a local library.

Volunteering can have a lot of value, including showing the applicant's spirit on a résumé or school application .

Earn a certificate

A certificate is earned by someone who puts in hours to get an overview or a deep dive into a particular topic or skill set. Certificate programs can take as little as a few weeks, while others can take closer to a year or more.

Students can earn certificates or engage in short programs to become nursing assistants, massage therapists , court reporters, or web designers.

Some programs have minimum age requirements. This again gives the late teen a way to learn more about a certain topic or field to determine how interested they are in pursuing that as a degree and then a career.

These aren't the only post- high-school-graduation or post-GED options. The important thing is for parents to listen to their kids, understand their needs, and take a team approach, especially at this stage in their almost grown-up child's life.

Watch: Student loans are canceled for former students of Corinthian Colleges

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