the machine movie review bert kreischer

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‘The Machine’ Review: A Hard-Partying Comedian Pays for His Sins

In a movie extrapolated from one of his stand-up bits, Bert Kreischer is dragged to Russia to face a gory but still comedic reckoning.

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By Glenn Kenny

The star of this picture, Bert Kreischer, is one of those popular stand-up comedians who’s not zeitgeist-adjacent enough to generate much in the way of think pieces or buzz. But in the late 1990s, as a student at Florida State University, he was the subject of a Rolling Stone magazine profile that named him “the top partyer at the Number One Party School in the country.”

The late 1990s were a while ago, and today Kreischer is a hefty 50-year-old who looks mildly partied out. That’s part of his shtick — he performs stand-up while shirtless. In “The Machine,” he plays a fictionalized version of himself, initially in a penitent mode — a family man who’s royally ticked off his clan. At his daughter’s 16th birthday party, Bert and his carpet salesman dad, Albert, are accosted, at gunpoint, by the mobster Irina (Iva Babic) and taken to Russia, where Bert is to make amends for his part in a drunken train robbery decades before.

This gore-steeped shaggy dog story is extrapolated from an actual Kreischer bit . As they dodge a score of Slavic psycho killers who are after an heirloom Bert stole, father and son hash out their issues (of course).

You may wonder, if Kreischer is such a popular stand-up comedian, why he hasn’t done more television and movie acting. Well. Here he hits his marks and stays in his persona lane, but he’s not a performer who can carry a movie. Mark Hamill, as his dad, comes closer to crusty-old-man territory than one might have predicted. He’s practically Wilford Brimley.

The director Peter Atencio has gotten reasonable results in the absurdist meta-comedy realm (“Keanu,” for instance), but he can’t cook with these ingredients. Even when the relentlessly salty humor gets fully crass (a dog is thrown out a high window), the product is bland.

The Machine Rated R for language, gore and extreme partying. Running time: 1 hour 52 minutes. In theaters.

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The Machine review – standup comedian makes for limp movie star

Bert Kreischer turns a famous routine into a full-length movie with some surprising visual style but a lack of laughter

I f you’re going to put a standup comedian into a big, climactic fight scene, it better be really funny. That’s just one of many rules you may not realize were in place before watching The Machine, a feature-length extension of standup comedian Bert Kreischer’s most famous routine. It’s a story about how the former Florida State University frat boy and prolific partier took a college trip to Russia, where he bumbled into confidence with the Russian mob and wound up helping some gangsters rob a train. It sounds enough like a set piece from an early-2000s studio comedy that the impulse to make a long-form version makes sense – at least on paper.

Here, Jimmy Tatro plays the college-aged Kreischer in flashbacks, but he doesn’t enter the movie until a ways in, because The Machine makes a strange structural choice. It starts with Kreischer, playing a version of himself, already a famous comedian, dealing with the aftermath of his viral-hit routine. His fame has exacerbated his proclivities toward hard partying, the glorification of which has taken a toll on his family life, even as it sends his podcast shooting up the charts. Kreischer’s success also brings him to the attention of a Russian mobster, whose precious family-heirloom watch was stolen during Kreischer’s robbery. The mobster sends his icy daughter Irina (Iva Babić) to retrieve Kreischer and (improbably) bring him back to Russia so he can locate the watch. Eventually, those flashbacks kick in, supplying the particulars of Kreischer’s original Russian jaunt and brief, accidental life of crime.

The decision to put present-day Kreischer front and center drops viewers into Bert’s unpleasant home life, full of friction with his teenager daughter Georgia (Jessica Gabor) and worsened by a visit from his needling father Albert (Mark Hamill), who winds up accompanying him on his return to Russia. With its early US-set scenes, the movie asks for an extraordinary amount of buy-in for anyone unfamiliar with Kreischer’s story, which is treated alternately like a globe-rattling, unavoidable pop hit and a matter of intense curiosity for anyone unfamiliar with it.

This double hubris does illustrate the bind the film-makers find themselves in: do they retell the story straight, and risk boring Kreischer’s fans? Or do they attempt to elaborate on the story, and risk alienating anyone without a pre-existing interest in what makes Bert Kreischer tick? The Machine does both, but ultimately favors the latter, which involves a fair amount of comedian navel-gazing (easy enough to do; one of Kreischer’s trademarks is his shirtlessness). He’s essentially retelling his signature story without the built-in jokes of his own narrative, and reflecting on it years later. In the process, Kreischer creates perhaps the first-ever legacy sequel to a standup special (and certainly the first one to follow up just seven years after its release).

This ambitious undertaking might make more sense if the movie rooted itself more firmly in a specific period. It’s a minor detail in the grand scheme of things, but the film’s time-passage math is scattershot: at one point, Kreischer talks about these events happening around 20 years ago, which doesn’t match with his movie-given age of 48; based on that figure, the story should be taking place around 1993, but Kreischer’s pop-culture references (and the movie’s impressively high-quality needle drops) come from noticeably later in that decade (which is still more than 20 years ago), while his wardrobe showcases T-shirts out of the mid-1980s. Maybe this is all reconciled in the original routine.

A few stray jokes land; Albert has a funny line, deeply dad-like in its self-seriousness, about how he took a “vow of nonviolence” after reading a Nelson Mandela biography, and there are a couple of great gross-out gore gags. But among all the Russians, only Irina registers as a comic character, and only just barely.

The film’s director, Peter Atencio, cut his teeth on the Key & Peele sketch series, as well as the duo’s feature film Keanu; he knows how to bring genuine cinematic effects into absurd situations. In this particular movie, though, he seems to be studying from the book of the Hangover trilogy director Todd Phillips, shooting for slickness rather than sight gags – or maybe the screenplay simply didn’t supply the raw materials to create those gags. Either way, The Machine is as surprisingly stylish as it is surprisingly unfunny. The final and grimmest surprise is how the movie attempts to give Kreischer some therapeutic growth, premised on an eventual hogwash revelation about a comedian serving as a de facto protector of the people. Expecting audiences to cheer with excitement as Kreischer guzzles vodka and becomes an unstoppable fighting machine is bad enough; hoping that they’ll take away some valuable life lessons about balance and being yourself seems an awful lot like denial.

The Machine is out in the US now and in the UK on 2 June

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Critics Are Calling Bert Kreischer’s The Machine Everything From A ‘Hilariously Awesome Action Extravaganza’ To ‘A Complete Failure In Every Single Way’

The comedian's famous standup routine is now a movie.

Fans of Bert Kreischer are probably familiar with his most famous stand-up routine, a yarn about a college trip to Russia in which a night of drinking with Russian gangsters led to him robbing a train to steal a pocket watch. Nearly a decade ago, the comedian told that story to Joe Rogan , who advised him to start putting that in his act, and now The Machine , a dramatized version of the tale, is in theaters. The reviews are in, so let’s see if even those unfamiliar with the standup routine should give it a shot this weekend.

In addition to Bert Kreischer playing a fictional version of himself, The Machine stars Mark Hamill as Bert’s father, Albert, and Iva Babić as Irina, a Russian mobster. The movie is set mostly in Russia, after Irina drags Bert and Albert across the world to recover the watch he stole 20 years ago. Let’s see what the critics have to say.

Joshua Kristian McCoy of GameRant rates the movie 3.5 out of 5 stars, saying that fans of the comedian are likely to love this movie, but those who find him annoying aren’t going to have their minds changed. McCoy continues: 

The Machine is considerably better than it needs to be. Anyone could've made a feature-length dramatization of the original stand-up routine, but this film combines that idea with a stronger exploration of Kreischer's career and public image. There's a recurring gag or two that doesn't work, but it hits more often than it misses. Throw in a couple of outstanding performances, some unique action cinematography, and a lot of heart, and The Machine earns its title.

Carla Hay of Culture Mix finds none of that heart or any other redeeming qualities in The Machine , calling the movie “a complete failure in every single way,” arguing that it never should have gotten made. The critic continues: 

The Machine has no creativity, no style and no charm. It stumbles around in repetitive scenarios and spews out deeply unfunny ‘jokes’ that sound like ideas that would be rejected at low-rent comedy clubs. Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes wrote the putrid screenplay for The Machine, which is proof that if you throw enough money around, untalented garbage can be made into a terrible movie. The Machine also has very unimaginative stereotypes of Russian mobsters. These lazy clichés quickly become tiresome.

Back on the other end of the spectrum, Alex Maidy of JoBlo rates it a “Great” 8 out of 10, calling the star of the movie “hilariously awesome” in the blend of his iconic stand-up routine and a “ John Wick -esque action extravaganza.” Maidy says: 

I had a blast watching The Machine. Fans of Bert Kreischer will be very happy with this continuation of his original story, which is gloriously violent and profane. Mark Hamill is perfect as the senior Kreischer, while Iva Babic will hopefully garner a lot of projects based on her turn in this film. The Machine resembles John Wick‘s innovative action, Borat’s European humor, and Bert Kreischer’s irrepressible charm. If throat punches and drop-kicked dogs are not up your alley, steer clear. Everyone else, down your drinks and get ready because The Machine is the real deal and deserves to be watched in a theater full of fans ready for big-screen comedy.

Christian Zilko of IndieWire , however, grades it a C-, admitting that pre-existing fans of the Van Wilder inspiration and McDonald’s aficionado will love the film, but anyone hoping for substance would “be better off just reading the nutrition facts on their Junior Mints box.” Zilko writes: 

The Machine really goes off the rails when it tries to turn itself into an action movie. The blandly violent fight sequences are only watchable because Hamill gets the occasional opportunity to show off his dorky-dad-on-cocaine schtick between punches — at one point he gleefully refers to himself as ‘Molly Parton’ after enjoying a bunch of drugs. Kreischer eventually realizes that he has to get drunk and take his shirt off if he wants to save the day, a conclusion so painfully inevitable that you’ll curse yourself for sitting through the 90 minutes it takes him to get there.

Jesse Hassenger of The Guardian rates it 2 out of 5 stars, saying a few stray jokes land, but The Machine overall has an astonishing lack of laughs. The review reads:  

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The Machine is as surprisingly stylish as it is surprisingly unfunny. The final and grimmest surprise is how the movie attempts to give Kreischer some therapeutic growth, premised on an eventual hogwash revelation about a comedian serving as a de facto protector of the people. Expecting audiences to cheer with excitement as Kreischer guzzles vodka and becomes an unstoppable fighting machine is bad enough; hoping that they’ll take away some valuable life lessons about balance and being yourself seems an awful lot like denial.

The bottom line seems to be that this movie is for fans of Bert Kreischer, particularly those who especially like the famed standup routine this movie is based on, and that sentiment seems to be reflected in its Rotten Tomatoes score as well. Holding a 29% rating from just seven critics’ opinions, The Machine holds a 96% Fresh audience score that has more than 100 submissions. 

If this action comedy sounds like it’s up your alley, The Machine is in theaters now, and be sure to check out what else is hitting theaters soon with our 2023 Movie Release Schedule , including some big releases between now and Labor Day . 

Heidi Venable is a Content Producer for CinemaBlend, a mom of two and a hard-core '90s kid. She started freelancing for CinemaBlend in 2020 and officially came on board in 2021. Her job entails writing news stories and TV reactions from some of her favorite prime-time shows like Grey's Anatomy and The Bachelor. She graduated from Louisiana Tech University with a degree in Journalism and worked in the newspaper industry for almost two decades in multiple roles including Sports Editor, Page Designer and Online Editor. Unprovoked, will quote Friends in any situation. Thrives on New Orleans Saints football, The West Wing and taco trucks.

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‘The Machine’ Review: Bert Kreischer Takes His Shirtless Standup Schtick to Russia

Christian zilko.

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Kreischer is well aware that he’s built a career out of making a complete ass of himself. (The fact that he owes his fortune to his willingness to publicly take his shirt off is a frequent conversation topic in “The Machine.”) So it shouldn’t surprise anyone but the most naive optimists that the film — which is based on his most famous stand-up bit — opts to give his audience what it wants by simply doubling down on the crassness. The comic’s preexisting fans should find plenty to love — it’s bound to be the cinematic event of the year for guys who base their entire personality around yelling “let’s gooooooo!” But anyone who goes in hoping for any kind of literary substance would be better off just reading the nutrition facts on their Junior Mints box. Related Stories ‘Confessions of a Good Samaritan’ Review: A Documentary Filmmaker Donates a Kidney to a Stranger in This Fascinating Study of Altruism Gina Gershon Thought She Would Star as Trinity in ‘The Matrix’ After ‘Bound’: ‘I Still See Myself in That Part’

Though Kreischer has been in the public eye for 25 years, his career exploded in 2015 when he went viral for telling Joe Rogan a story about a school-sponsored trip to Russia that he took in college. As he recalled it, Kreischer led a group of Russian gangsters in a spirited night of drinking that led to him being forced to rob a train and steal a pocket watch. He tried to tell his new friends that he was a badass, but his loose grasp on the Russian language led to him inadvertently giving himself the nickname “The Machine” instead.

Bert attempts to be a normal dad at Sasha’s 16th birthday party, but his plans are foiled by the unexpected appearance of his father Albert (Mark Hamill). Albert owns the best carpet business in southwest Florida, and his understandable pride in that fact fills him with a cockiness that he uses to torment his son. He passive aggressively judges everything Bert does, from his grilling abilities to his ability to provide for his family without a job. But their father-son feud is quickly disrupted when Irina (Iva Babic), a tough-as-nails Russian criminal, shows up to beat the shit out of Bert.

As it turns out, his viral stand-up bit made its way to the Russian mobster who has spent 25 years looking for his missing pocket watch. He deputized his brutal daughter to get it back, and when Bert reveals that he doesn’t have it, she forces both him and his father to accompany her to Russia to search for it. (The movie is a lot better if you don’t question why Irina assumes that Bert knows the location of a piece of jewelry he hasn’t seen in a quarter century that’s floating around somewhere in a country that spans two continents.)

Making Bert recreate the trip is a clever device for turning a stand-up bit into a film, as the different locations serve as backdrops for the comic to perform segments of his stage routine. But “The Machine” really goes off the rails when it tries to turn itself into an action movie. The blandly violent fight sequences are only watchable because Hamill gets the occasional opportunity to show off his dorky-dad-on-cocaine schtick between punches — at one point he gleefully refers to himself as “Molly Parton” after enjoying a bunch of drugs. Kreischer eventually realizes that he has to get drunk and take his shirt off if he wants to save the day, a conclusion so painfully inevitable that you’ll curse yourself for sitting through the 90 minutes it takes him to get there.

A Sony release, “The Machine” opens in theaters on Friday, May 26.

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The Machine Reviews

I’m afraid anyone who isn’t already indoctrinated into the world of Bert “The Machine” Kreischer will struggle to find entry via this movie, which is too long, too stupid and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is.

Full Review | Sep 26, 2023

On brand with Kresicher’s stand-up persona, the film pulls some punches but manages a workable story and some laugh-out-loud moments.

Full Review | Original Score: 2.5/4 | Aug 18, 2023

Look, "The Machine" doesn’t break the mold in terms of how Bert goes from the worst dad to a better human, but it’s entertaining and possesses quite a few surprises thanks to the structure, editing, performances, and action.

Full Review | Original Score: 3/5 | Aug 15, 2023

'The Machine' works as a comedy ... sometimes.

Full Review | Original Score: 2 stars | Jun 12, 2023

Nothing about this comedy should’ve worked and it definitely shouldn’t have ended up being as entertaining as it actually is, but here is one of those rare success stories where a little movie plays to its strengths and comes out on top.

Full Review | Jun 6, 2023

A so/so comedy/action film.

Full Review | Original Score: C- | Jun 2, 2023

If throat punches and drop-kicked dogs are not up your alley, steer clear. Everyone else, down your drinks and get ready because The Machine is the real deal and deserves to be watched in a theater full of fans ready for big-screen comedy.

Full Review | Original Score: 8/10 | Jun 2, 2023

...the picture begins to adopt a generic action-movie sensibility that grows more and more tiresome as time progresses...

Full Review | Original Score: 1.5/4 | May 30, 2023

Honestly, the only thing less convincing than Kreischer as some kind of Everyman comedy icon, or as an ersatz action hero, is the idea that he’d have something to teach Russian mobsters about drinking vodka.

Full Review | May 29, 2023

This clumsy, chunky movie based loosely on Kreischer's comedy material is meant to be a cut-loose fun time, but it's so lifeless (and long) that it feels more like a painful hangover.

Full Review | Original Score: 2/5 | May 29, 2023

Honestly, I love a good gonzo binge comedy as much as the next guy, and I found almost nothing funny in this.

Full Review | Original Score: 1/4 | May 28, 2023

You may wonder, if Kreischer is such a popular stand-up comedian, why he hasn’t done more television and movie acting. Well.

Full Review | May 27, 2023

"The Machine" is ultimately not funny enough to work as a comedy and not thrilling enough to work as an action movie. It's just a middle-of-the-road movie that perhaps die-hard fans of Kreischer can appreciate more.

Full Review | Original Score: 5/10 | May 27, 2023

Kreischer fans are surely The Machine‘s target audience, and I suspect they’ll gel enthusiastically with his brand of comedy

Full Review | Original Score: 3/5 | May 26, 2023

The comic’s preexisting fans should find plenty to love... But anyone who goes in hoping for any kind of literary substance would be better off just reading the nutrition facts on their Junior Mints box.

Full Review | Original Score: C- | May 26, 2023

Bert Kreischer’s schtick is irritating and gets old fast

Full Review | Original Score: 2/5 | May 26, 2023

It’s a movie specifically engineered to build Kreischer’s brand, and he’s the least appealing element in it.

Full Review | Original Score: D | May 26, 2023

The Machine is loud, gross, obnoxious and overbearing. It’s also disarming, quick-witted, fast moving and becomes increasingly funny.

Full Review | May 26, 2023

An unimaginative and toothless dark comedy that's more much meanspirited and dull than funny. It's just as disappointing as Renfield, Mafia Mamma and About My Father.

The best thing about The Machine is it’s not as awful as it could have been for a movie based on stand-up.

The Machine (I) (2023)

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The Machine

• Action/Adventure , Biography/History , Comedy , Crime

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In Theaters

• May 26, 2023
• Bert Kreischer as Bert Kreischer; Mark Hamill as Albert Kreischer; Jimmy Tatro as Young Bert Kreischer; Stephanie Kurtzuba as LeeAnn Kreischer; Jess Gabor as Sasha Kreischer; Iva Babic as Irina; Robert Maaser as Alexei; Martyn Ford as Sponge; Rita Bernard-Shaw as Ashley; Nikola Djuricko as Igor; Set Sjöstrand as Vanya; Jovan Savic as Irina's Father

Home Release Date

• June 20, 2023
• Peter Atencio

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• Sony Pictures

Movie Review

The Machine is based on a true story. Well, kinda. Then again, not at all.

Let me explain.

In 1999, Bert Kreischer (now a professional comedian) spent a semester in St. Petersburg, Russia, as a college student ostensibly studying Russian.

Russia, the film suggests, wasn’t a very friendly place back then. So much so that the American teacher leading the class felt compelled to hire a man named Igor—a banditi , a member of the Russian mob—to be the class’s handler and protector. She gave the class strict orders not to interact with Igor. He was there to protect them. Not to be their friend.

Protect them from what, you might ask? Well, from the rampant crime that—if you take this movie’s story at face value—saturates every facet and minute of Russian life.

But our hero Bert—a hard-partying Florida State student with a reputation as a drinker who could go toe-to-toe with, say, Thor—wasn’t about to pay attention to his silly teacher’s instructions. Bert and Igor soon bond over their shared passion for guzzling vodka. Bert, trying to impress his new gangster friends, tries to use a Russian word for “bada–” to describe himself. Instead, he mistakenly dubs himself The Machine.

It sticks. And, frankly, Bert is a drinking machine.

When Bert’s class takes a train trip, things go seriously, seriously awry. Plastered out of his gourd, Bert is recruited to help mob members on the train steal everything of value from its passengers.

Bert is very drunk. He doesn’t have much choice. So he becomes their bagman, going door to door to collect the valuables of everyone aboard.

That part of the story is true. In fact, Bert Kreischer would go on to build a viral stand-up comedy routine on these exploits.

Everything that happens next, however, is a fantasy. An alternate-universe story of what happens 23 years later when Russian goons turn up at Bert’s daughter’s 16 th birthday party.

Their leader, a ruthless woman named Irina, tells Bert that if he doesn’t help them find a watch that Bert stole that fateful night two decades before, his daughter will die.

With a gun in his back, Bert’s off to Russia again.

And there’s just one other detail: Bert’s dad (played by Mark Hamill) is going along for this crazy ride, too.

And believe me, crazy barely gets the job done as an adjective describing what happens next.

Positive Elements

As the story opens, Bert is in a therapy session attended by his wife and two daughters, too. He’s meandering toward the goal of taking responsibility for the ways his epic narcissism has torpedoed his family relationships. There’s a lot of backstory here, but suffice it to say Bert’s realizing and trying to become a better father and husband, and to repair the damage he’s done to everyone close to him.

Making progress has involved losing weight, putting down the bottle and unpacking his toxic relationship with his dad, Albert. Bert pretty much despises him, who has spent his entire life belittling him, mocking him and generally failing as a father. Bert suggests, in therapy, that his own failures are directly related to his dad’s emotional abuse.

One can imagine, then, that Bert’s not pleased when his dear-ol’ dad shows up for daughter Sasha’s 16 th birthday. In fact, they’re unloading verbal ammunition against each other when Irina, the Russian mobster, shows up and unloads a round of the real thing to show that she’s serious.

In a blink, Bert and Albert are kidnapped and on a posh plane to Russia in search of the watch that Bert stole 23 years before. In the absurd story that unfolds, they each work (albeit grudgingly at times) to protect and rescue each other.

In its own strangely earnest way, The Machine emphasizes the importance of family; father-son relationships; and the possibility of healing and redemption. Bert also has some a-ha realizations about his own insecurities and fractured sense of identity and self-worth.

The film also delivers some strangely poignant revelations in the vein of It’s a Wonderful Life . Bert learns that his life has had a positive impact on many people in Russia, most notably his old mobster “friend” Igor. The man tells Bert that he gave up his life of crime because Bert told him how important it was simply to do what makes you happy. Igor realized that killing people didn’t make him happy, so he retreated to a remote Russian village, settled down with a woman there and had about a dozen kids with her. The film depicts these desperately poor people as living an idyllic life together in their small village. It’s another surprisingly tender and strongly pro-family moment in the story.

Spiritual Elements

Igor says that the Communists destroyed a church in his village when they came to power decades before. But Igor has since recreated a church-like Orthodox shrine in the building built on the church’s ruins. He says it has enabled him to feel closer to God, and to forgive himself for all the people he killed.

At one point when Bert thinks he’s going to die, he freaks out verbally about how he’s going to hell and meet the devil.

One of the Russian bad guys wears a big cross around his neck.

Sexual Content

Upon entering Igor’s village, we see an elderly man bathing, naked, outside in a basin. The camera glimpses his bare behind as he bends over while washing, and the scene is both startling and shockingly graphic, albeit obviously played for laughs. Bert makes a joke about circumcision in this scene, too.

Bert and Albert are separated for a long while once they get to Russia. When Bert reconnects with his dad, Albert is very high on speed and bragging about how the drug has enabled his sexual performance with a young woman who’s loitering next to him. He also talks crudely about different sexual positions, both with this young woman and with Albert’s former wife (and it’s unclear whether she’s deceased or whether they’re divorced). Bert asks his dad whether he used condoms with the woman.

Crude verbal references to male and female anatomy turn up throughout the movie. Bert’s schtick as The Machine involves taking his shirt off to make comedic hay with his big belly, and we see quite a few scenes of him shirtless. A repeated joke is made about Bert’s chest, with multiple characters joking that he has “t-ts.” There’s a sarcastic conversation about what someone would pay to have sex with an unconscious female character who’s repeatedly called a “whore.”

We see several of Sasha’s friends in two-piece swimming suits at her birthday party. Bert and his wife, LeeAnn, are shown in bed together, and they kiss pretty passionately a couple of different times.

Someone’s look as described as, “If James Bond were a homo.” A flashback to the first train trip finds Bert getting ready for what he thinks is going to be an intimate encounter with a young woman in his class; he puts cologne on his hands, then obviously (though offscreen) reaches into his pants with the stuff, too—and then starts screaming in pain.

Violent Content

As the story unfolds, the violence here amps up. Irina isn’t afraid of unleashing mortal violence on anyone who gets in her way. But it turns out the two people who get in her way the most–rival criminal kingpins–are actually her two brothers. The three siblings are competing for their father’s affection and blessing, with each trying to outdo the others in terms of violent thuggery.

What that means, in the most basic sense, is that almost everyone is trying to kill almost everyone else. And kill they do. Scores of nameless minions get shot, several in the head. Bert himself shoots one baddie in the head, leaving a gaping wound in the middle of his forehead, even though Bert says he was aiming for the man’s legs.

Someone gets his throat slit horribly, but he doesn’t die immediately. In fact, Bert’s fist gets stuck in the mortally wounded man’s throat, and he can’t pull it out. We see a horrific decapitation (it’s always a bad idea to hang your head out of a moving train), and the dead man’s torso flops on top of Bert, his neck stump spurting blood. Another man gets stabbed with a pocketknife, and the blade remains in his chest for much of the rest of the movie. At least one person is impaled. Another has a huge wooden spike shoved through her calf. (Bert removes it, vomiting, and both Bert and that person faint.) Multiple people are unexpectedly shot at point-blank range in brutal executions.

Fistfights and martial-art melees fill many other scenes. Someone gets tossed out of a train. Threats are made against Bert’s daughter, Sasha. A henchman is casually murdered by suffocation via a plastic bag over his head.

Much is made of the importance of Bert’s family connections. But when Russian family members murder each other in cold blood, it’s treated as a joke.

Crude or Profane Language

At least 75 f-words, including three paired with “mother.” One fully spoken c-word and four more verbal references to the “c-word.” About 20 s-words. We hear 25 or so misuses of God’s name, including 10 that are paired with “d–n.” Jesus’ name is abused about a half-dozen times. We a handful of uses each of “b–ch,” “a–,” “a—hole,” “h—,” “p-ss,” and “p—y” (with the last of those always being a synonym for “coward).

We hear about 10 crude references to the male anatomy using three or four different slang terms for it.

Drug and Alcohol Content

Bert’s entire reputation is based on his ability to drink massive amounts of alcohol. Accordingly, many, many scenes in the movie feature Bert and others imbibing. They’re often quite drunk, sometimes so much so that they can barely even walk.

Bert’s drinking exploits have accidentally made him something of an urban legend in the years since his first stint in Russia. There’s a vodka named after him, and we continually see billboards of him throughout Russia over the course of the movie.

Lines of a drug (perhaps cocaine, perhaps meth) get snorted at a party. Someone vapes. Bert eats a 20-year-old pot brownie and has a hallucinogenic trip as a result in which he takes advice from the younger version of himself (and gives some, too).

Drug and alcohol usage are largely treated as a joke, although we do hear that Bert is trying to curb his alcohol intake.

Other Negative Elements

Multiple scenes picture people vomiting. We hear a demeaning joke about autism. Bert and Albert often treat each other despicably. And, as mentioned, calling Bert a recovering narcissist might be a bit too generous.

This madcap fever dream of a movie feels a bit like a mashup of Napoleon Dynamite , Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Kill Bill .

I have to admit, the story features a surprising number of feel-good moments. Some of them are tender and earnest, and they highlight the importance of dads dealing with their issues so that their issues don’t wreck their kids.

But let’s not get carried away here. Because this is a film with issues galore itself.

We’re supposed to laugh when Bert’s hand gets stuck in a guy’s throat, when someone gets decapitated, when an old man bends over naked while bathing and the camera zooms in for a close up. We’re supposed to laugh when Albert waxes eloquent on how speed has amped up his virility with a young Russian “plaything.”

We’re supposed to laugh when …

Ah, I’ll stop there. You get the point.

Adam R. Holz

After serving as an associate editor at NavPress’ Discipleship Journal and consulting editor for Current Thoughts and Trends, Adam now oversees the editing and publishing of Plugged In’s reviews as the site’s director. He and his wife, Jennifer, have three children. In their free time, the Holzes enjoy playing games, a variety of musical instruments, swimming and … watching movies.

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‘The Machine’ Review: Bert Kreischer Leads Obnoxious But Quick-Witted & Increasingly Funny Action Romp

By Todd McCarthy

Todd McCarthy

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The Machine is loud, gross, obnoxious and overbearing. It’s also disarming, quick-witted, fast moving and becomes increasingly funny as it ends up in, of all places, Russia for its payoff scenes.

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Kreischer makes a point of performing with his shirt off when at all possible, something that becomes a tad strange in Russia if rather less so in Florida, where we first meet Bert and his family at a big outdoor birthday party. The man is part overbearing pater familias and part pushover, so much does he want his kids to be happy and succeed and like him. The guy seems obnoxious at first but wins a viewer over within minutes, so funny and ingratiating is he. But in the dramatic arena, the big guy is so loud and persistent that he drives those closest to him away.

Not too many guys with a girth like Kreischer run around with their shirt off whenever possible, but it’s just one of the ways that the man makes an impression you can’t forget. Before you know it, you warm to him despite his bluster and the fact that he’s made the rest of his family fed up with him, at least for the moment.

These domestic mishaps and misjudgments leave him all but alone, at which point The Machine makes a surprising move back to the Russia of some years ago, where much of high comedic drama plays out. Following in Kreischer’s own footsteps — the fellow spent a semester there 20-plus years ago — the film both shifts into a higher gear just as it also reaches its comedic peaks with far-fetched hilarity involving both the train and their destination, where any number of fates will be decided.

Seeing the Russia presented here in the wake of the current war presents a strange dislocation between dramatic fantasy and reality. Even so, it’s entirely possible to sink into the goofy comedy that seems to bubble up out of The Machine without much thinking about Russia or much else in the real world, so wacky is the stuff that ended up onscreen.

Director Peter Atencio, best known for helming 54 episodes of Key & Peele, keeps the actors on their toes and pulls off some good action toward the end, and Mark Hamill creates an unexpected characterization unlike anything he’s ever done before.

Title:  The Machine Distributor:  Sony Pictures Director:  Peter Atencio Screenwriters:  Kevin Biegel, Scotty Landes Cast:  Bert Kreischer, Jimmy Tatro, Mark Hamill, Iva Babić, Robert Maaser, Stephanie Kurtzuba, Jess Gabor, Rita Bernard Shaw, Nikola Đuričko, Oleg Taktarov, Amelie Child-Villers, Mercedes de la Cruz Rating:  R Running Time:  1 hr 52 min

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The story behind the true-life train robbery that got Bert Kreischer his first film close-up in ‘The Machine’

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Machines — just like good comedians — aren’t born, they’re built. Bert Kreischer happens to be both, but it took some time.

Long after his days as a legendary hard-partying super senior at Florida State University, Kreischer’s experience finding his voice in stand-up didn’t really start until he learned to become a great storyteller, unveiling the truth like he strips himself of his shirt on stage — in a hysterical, honest way — with a few embellishments, of course. It’s fitting that the bit that finally helped him click things into place was a story he started telling from his college frat boy days about robbing his classmates on a train in Russia during a class trip — with help from the Russian mafia.

Kreischer fans came to know the comic as “The Machine” after the premiere of his 2016 Showtime special of the same name. And the viral clips of him retelling the tale became his calling card, but that’s not even half the story when it comes to explaining how the classic bit snowballed into Kreischer’s first feature film, “The Machine,” opening Friday.

The comedy-action flick is his debut in the film world done the only way Kreischer knows how — big. Using his real-life misadventures as a springboard to tell an amped-up version of the story, the comedian’s past comes back to haunt him 23 years later as he and his estranged father (played by “Star Wars” legend Mark Hamill) are kidnapped back to Russia by the mafia as payback for something they say he did. Together, Kresicher and Hamill are forced to retrace the steps of the comedian’s younger self (played by Jimmy Tatro) while doing battle with the mob and improving their bond as father and son.

On a recent afternoon, hanging out on the couch of the studio compound/business offices in Sherman Oaks where he records his main podcasts, including “Bertcast” and wife LeeAnn’s podcast, “Wife of the Party,” Kreischer recounts the story behind building “The Machine” into a bit that turned him into an arena-headlining comedian and now the star of his own movie.

When did storytelling and drawing from real life experiences develop in your stand-up?

I was so obsessed with comics who had their own voice and their own story. And they say something you could tell that it wasn’t a scripted thing, or something from the collective unconscious of stand-up. It was something so authentic. I remember being jealous of it and then realizing I have those stories too, I just have to be brave enough to say them. That’s really tough, to follow your own voice and your own instinct. That’s the struggle, really.

Your new movie is a clear example of authentic storytelling based on your viral bit “The Machine,” loosely based a true story about robbing a train in Russia as a college student with the Russian mob. At what point after actually living that did you feel like “OK, this is gonna be something one day?”

Never — not once. But this is the caveat: I have changed a lot with who I am as a person, meaning that when I was in college and Rolling Stone wrote the article about me when I spent 6½ years in college [the story went on to inspire the movie “Van Wilder”], I was not someone who told my own stories. People told stories about me. I was the life of the party. The life of the party is never the one telling you he’s like the party. He’s just the life of the party. And then someone’s like, ‘Dude, did you hear what Bert did at the party last night?’ And then I’d be in the room going, ‘Oh, yeah, that was crazy.’ And I can tell you the story, embellish it a little bit and make it even funnier. But I was the guy that people told the story about, and I wasn’t the one telling the story about me. When I got into stand-up, it didn’t feel natural to tell your own story about you. So for the first probably 10 years of my career, I just want to learn how to tell a joke with a setup and a punchline joke. I thought that was the craft.

When was the first time you told “The Machine” story?

The first time I told “The Machine” it was on Dr. Drew’s “Loveline.” Someone — an old college classmate of mine — called up and said, “Hey, why don’t you tell the story about the time you robbed your friends on a train in Russia?” And I was like, “Oh, yeah!” and that was, like, the most organic version of that story ever because it was like I was in college again. I told it and Drew was blown away. He literally said, “That’s your story. That’s your movie.” That has to have been at least 16 years ago. I think [LeeAnn and I] just had [our daughter Ila]. And then he had me come back the next night and I told it again. … I think I made it a little better. This time I trimmed it up and tightened it. Then I told it on a couple morning radio shows and it was getting better every time. And I was like, oh, it’s a good radio story.

And then when I did [“The Joe Rogan Experience” podcast], that was the game changer. I went on the show the first time and I was like, “Next time I come back, remind me to tell you the story about a time I got involved with the Russian mafia and robbed a train” and Rogan was like, “What?!” I came back the next week and he was like, “You gotta tell that story.” So I told it and he also said, “This is your story. This is your movie.”

That weekend, I went to Columbus, Ohio, and Rogan had said on the podcast, “If anyone comes to his show in Columbus, Ohio ... you have to yell ‘The Machine’ at Bert and make him tell the story.” And he goes, “From this point forward he will only be referred to as the Machine.” I went that Thursday night, these guys in the front row were all chanting for me to do “The Machine” story and I was like, “Guys, it’s not a stage story.” And they were like, “Bert, it’s your story. We know it’s not going to be good, but you’ve got to tell it for it to be good. We’re gonna fake laugh, right guys? We’ll fake laugh!” And they fake laughed through the whole story. It was 20 minutes, [the bit] was horrible. And then they sat in the bar and they’re like, “Tell it tomorrow, we’ll be back tomorrow!” These guys, they were called Death Squad Ohio; they were like part of our fan base out there. They showed up every night and laughed throughout the whole story. Then I got obsessed with telling it and it just got better and better.

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That process of making long bits like that tighter and tighter in your comedy act is also a great practice for scriptwriting.

It is the greatest craft I ever learned. I didn’t know I was learning it. But it was the greatest craft because it changed how I did everything. It changed my stand-up. That one story changed my DNA as a stand-up, like I’m not even remotely recognizable to who I was 10 years ago. ... With that one story I learned the most valuable lesson about storytelling: Once the story has an end, you’re good. At first I didn’t have an end to “The Machine” story. I thought if I made the story funny in the middle, that’s all I needed to do, and I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t working. I thought the end was the tag line, “Tonight you party with us!”

How did you figure out the ending?

One night in Columbus, Ohio, I came up with this middle chunk when [the Russian mobster] spits vodka in a Russian policeman’s face. I was trying to punch it up and make it funny and edgy. … One of the things people said a lot in Russia was they would remind you, “This is Russia. You’re in Russia.” They would say that all the time. “This isn’t America, you’re in Russia.” I came up with the tag line after I ask the officer if I’ll get in trouble with my teacher, he says to me, “F— that bitch, this is Russia!” This lightbulb went off, like finally I had [an end to the story].

How long did it take from the time you perfected the story to the time the wheels started turning on making it into a movie?

I worked on this story for five years before I filmed it [for his Showtime comedy special “The Machine” in 2016]. It took, like, four years before it was good. The story went viral in 2017. I started doing movie pitches for it 2018-19. I pitched “The Machine” movie idea so much that I got tired of pitching it.

Then in 2019 I went in to Legendary [studios] and I pitched three things that weren’t “The Machine.” Cale Boyter, who was a producer on the movie, he’s the most authentic Hollywood character you’ll ever meet — he’s against the grain and plays by his own rules; I’m shocked he’s still in Hollywood — he just goes, “OK, all right, I’ll make it.” I was like, “Which one?” He said, “I don’t care, I just want to make a movie with you, I think it would be fun. Which one do you want to make?” I said if you’re telling me I can make whatever movie I want it’s not gonna be the three I just pitched you.” So he said, “What are you gonna make?” I said, “The Machine.” He goes, “I was wondering why you didn’t pitch me that.” I told him it was because I was so bored of pitching it. I said, “Best-case scenario, it’s a hit movie and I get kidnapped by the Russian mafia.” [Boyter] looks at me and goes, “Sold! That’s our movie. It’ll be like ‘Godfather’ meets ‘The Hangover.’”

Fast-forward a few years and you’re starring in a movie next to Mark Hamill, who plays your dad. You guys had a lot of personal and funny moments throughout the movie — how much of that comes from a place of real-life chemistry?

Our first week of working together was on Zoom still, during the pandemic, when we started talking about the movie. The first thing he said was, “Why do you perform with your shirt off? Couldn’t you wear a nice collared shirt or a blazer?” My dad says that to this day: “Do you have to do comedy without a shirt? It’s just so aggressive.” And Mark was my dad through that whole movie, even off-camera. I remember one time asking Mark for parenting advice and he gave me advice and then that night I was on the phone with my dad and he gave me the exact same advice Mark gave me. Him and my dad have so many similarities that I now pick up on.

“The Machine” is also a big-time action movie. What was the preparation like incorporating so much grueling stunt work into your day?

This is gonna sound horrible, but I don’t read the action in scripts, I just read the dialogue. So I didn’t really know how much of an action movie it was until I got there. And they’re like, “You’ve got stunt training for the first three weeks,” and I go, “For what?” They said, “For the fight scenes” and I’m like, “There’s fight scenes?” And then I’m like, oh, like everything is starting to make sense. … I thought I would be a lot better on the first day than I was. I thought I’d be really good at throwing a punch — I’m not good at throwing a punch. I don’t even still know if I look natural. I know for a fact it wasn’t natural because they had to edit out me going “goosh!” — like making the fake sound of punching noises while we were filming.

I was better at putting my body at harm than I thought it would be. Any time they were like, “We’re gonna need you to do, like, a flying double kick, or we can have a stuntman do it.” I was like, “No, I think I can do it.” I was really good at that. I think it was because I grew up in Florida and we all practiced professional wrestling growing up. I did way more of the putting my body in harm stuff than I thought I would do. And then the stuff I thought I’d excel at, like the fight scenes, that took a lot of work in just memorizing it right because it’s a fight sequence. Just memorizing the choreography. Its hard because if you don’t do it correctly you can punch people’s faces, which I did a lot. In all the fight scenes I punched someone at least once.

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So in the process of filming a movie called “The Machine,” you became the Machine again by going through that ordeal.

I paid the piper when I got home. I went to get an MRI and they’re like, “You ruptured all the tendons; you need surgery.” So I did the surgery and then I sold out a show at Red Rocks [in Colorado]. What are you gonna do?

You’re now in a long line of comedians who’ve gotten the shot to make their first film. H ow does that feel to be in the company of so many legends in comedy who’ve had that chance?

It feels really vulnerable. I’ve never felt this way before. You’re really putting yourself out there. When I was a kid in high school or college, I remember not understanding why a guy like Johnny Depp wouldn’t wanna do press for a movie he was in — like you just did a badass movie, tell us about the badass movie you were in, I’m gonna go see it. And then when you’re in that situation, you totally get it. You totally get what it feels like to think, “I’m embarrassed that I’m going to be this, being a P.T. Barnum, self-promoting guy.” But here’s the thing that [the director] Peter Atencio said to me: “You’re not just promoting it for you, you’re promoting it for everyone that worked on the movie.” That’s what’s giving me the motivation to do it.

Now that you’ve done your first movie, is it an experience you’d ever go through again?

I told Legendary all I want to do are “The Machine” movies. Buy “The Machine” Part 2 and 3 ... buy all the sequels now, I’ll sign them for a very low price point. I don’t need a ton of money. Yeah, I’ll just do them for the rest of my life. It’ll be my “Rambo.” The next one, we can do it with the Mexican mafia. Then I gotta call the Russian mafia and they gotta come down to Mexico. And then for the next one we get the yakuza. I could do this movie for the rest of my life, easily.

‘The Machine’

Rating: R, for strong violence, pervasive language, drug use and some sexual references Running time: 1 hour, 52 minutes Playing: Opens Friday in general release

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The Machine Movie Review: Bert Kreischer and Mark Hamill Have Tons of Fun in Hilarious Action-Comedy

• June 1, 2023

I’ll admit I didn’t much care for Peter Atencio’s The Machine when its promotional material started to ramp up. “How in the hell did Bert Kreischer drag Mark Hamill into this?” I said while watching the trailer in front of a movie. Oh, how wrong I was. Is it amazingly clichéd, superbly uninspired, and re-treads a classic father/son story we’ve all seen before? Of course. Did I have a great time with this movie? Absolutely.

Based on the viral comedy routine of the same name that earned Kreischer the nickname “The Machine,” the movie follows Kreischer as a fictionalized version of himself abducted by a Russian criminal with his father (Mark Hamill) to retrieve a watch he allegedly stole while on his last trip to Moscow. The story is relatively paint-by-numbers: Kreischer has many issues in his family, including not getting along with his daughter (Jessica Gabor), who hates his guts, and his father, whom Kreischer hates his guts.

During her daughter’s sweet sixteen, he is visited by Irina (Iva Babić), who brings Kreischer to Moscow for the watch. The rest of the movie follows Kreischer and his dad as they are caught in the middle of a war between Irina’s siblings, who are trying to retrieve the watch to be on the top of Moscow’s crime family as their father is dying and will choose his successor. This allows Kreischer and Hamill to engage in extended bouts of physical comedy, and the results are mostly successful.

Mark Hamill and Bert Kresicher Have Loads Of Fun in The Machine

This movie works so well because of how much fun Kreischer and Hamill are having. I have to admit that, as a lead, Kreischer isn’t as strong when he is on his own. However, when paired with Hamill, the two are a riot.

Hamill, in particular, seems to have the most fun, infusing a bit of Joker-isms into his portrayal of the father when he is bonked out on drugs. And he’s especially hilarious in moments where he knows how ridiculous the situation is, but he plays the moment incredibly self-awarely. His face almost reads, “I know what you’re watching is silly, but look at me; I’m having a ball, and so should you.”

There are plenty of scenes where Kreischer and Hamill get to show their comedic chops to great effect, but the best ones occur near the film’s rousing climax, where Kreischer shows what “The Machine” is capable of, and his father goes along for the ride. It doesn’t always work, and there are some clichéd instances. However, it’s a hoot when it works well, particularly in how the film stages its action sequences and develops its physical comedy through R-rated violence and copious amounts of gore.

RELATED: Star Wars’ Mark Hamill Says Luke Skywalker’s Return in The Mandalorian Is “The Greatest Gift”

The Machine ‘s Action Sequences Are a Riot

The Machine greatly benefits from the directorial talents of Peter Atencio, who previously helmed the massively underrated 2016 Key & Peele comedy Keanu , which also had extensive action setpieces. Atencio and cinematographer Eigil Bryld crank up the blood and guts for The Machine and craft action sequences that take full advantage of the film’s insane premise.

One scene in particular nearly made me want to hurl, and I usually tolerate gore well. I won’t spoil it, but you’ll know when you see it. Of course, it’s played for laughs, and even I’ll confess that I laughed a lot during that scene, even if I was completely disgusted at the sight of what Atencio was showcasing during that scene.

There are neat one-on-one fights and slick gunfights, à la John Wick / Atomic Blonde , during the film’s final act that put the emphasis on the visceral nature of the action and craft fun and inventive fight moves alongside the characters. Kreischer isn’t necessarily a menacing character, but Atencio plays with his strengths and even has Hamill join in the mix during the end. It moves at a swift pace and always keeps the energy at a high for maximum catharsis.

Because of this, The Machine works. Its plot may be insanely familiar, and Atencio and writers Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes don’t add much originality to the material, but it’s still done well. The comedy is mostly laugh-out-loud hilarious; Kreischer and Hamill are having the time of their lives, and the action scenes are a total blast to see on the big screen.

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I would’ve loved to see this with a crowd that was as into it as I did, but I was, unfortunately, the only one. If you like fun and energetic action comedies (and Mark Hamill being amazingly self-aware), The Machine should definitely be on your watchlist to see on the big screen before it leaves. You will not be disappointed.

The Machine is now playing in theatres. What did you think of the movie? What is your favorite Mark Hamill comedic performance? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to follow us on social media!

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Clumsy action comedy has blood, swearing, drinking, drugs.

A Lot or a Little?

What you will—and won't—find in this movie.

Has the very iffy message that drinking and drug u

The characters do learn things throughout the stor

The focus here is on White men. Many characters ar

Guns and shooting. Martial arts fighting. Man's sc

Married couple kisses. Crude sex-related dialogue.

Extremely strong, constant language includes "f--k

Cans of Coca-Cola and Sprite visible at birthday p

Main character is portrayed as a "drinking god" wh

Parents need to know that The Machine is a clumsy action comedy based on the material of comic Bert Kreischer, who plays a version of himself here. The story has him going to Russia to find a valuable watch he once stole. While the movie is comedic in tone, you can expect tons of bloody violence. Characters…

Positive Messages

Has the very iffy message that drinking and drug use can make you stronger/more powerful. There are no consequences for substance use, and characters say things like "use this drug energy for good!" or "you should do drugs more often!" The movie also suggests that it's bad to show fear. On the other hand, there's also a message about the power of laughter, which helps certain characters find better lives.

Positive Role Models

The characters do learn things throughout the story, but their behavior -- and the lack of consequences for it -- is far from admirable.

Diverse Representations

The focus here is on White men. Many characters are depicted as Russian, including Irina (played by Croatian actor Iva Babic), who's shown to be ruthless, extremely powerful, and more than capable in a fight. One Black character, Ashley (Rita Bernard-Shaw), appears in flashback -- and briefly in the "present day" scenes -- as a possible romantic interest for the hero, which he messes up.

Did we miss something on diversity? Suggest an update.

Violence & Scariness

Guns and shooting. Martial arts fighting. Man's scrotum severed. Neck sliced; main character throws a punch, and his hand gets stuck in the neck wound. Character decapitated, with blood spurting from neck. Pulling shard of wood from person's leg. Strangling someone with plastic bag. Character stabbed in chest, with bleeding wound. Character stabbed through chest with giant metal sickle. Fighting with giant metal hammer. Breaking limbs. Falling down stairs. Villain throws dog out of a window. Woman beats henchmen with collapsible baton. Main character's arm twisted, face slammed up against window. Characters fall off of moving train. Character runs through woods, rolls down hill, hits head on tree. Slapping contest. Man spits mouthful of vodka on woman's face.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Violence & Scariness in your kid's entertainment guide.

Sex, Romance & Nudity

Married couple kisses. Crude sex-related dialogue. Shirtless men. A man's bare bottom is visible while he bathes.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Sex, Romance & Nudity in your kid's entertainment guide.

Extremely strong, constant language includes "f--k," "s--t," "motherf----r," "dips--t," "bulls--t," "a--hole," "c--t," "t-ts," "p---y," "bitch," "son of a bitch," "whore," "Jesus Christ," "oh my God," "d--k," "d--khead," "piss," "idiot," "stupid," "moron." Middle-finger gestures.

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Language in your kid's entertainment guide.

Products & Purchases

Cans of Coca-Cola and Sprite visible at birthday party. Mention of TikTok and Best Buy.

Drinking, Drugs & Smoking

Main character is portrayed as a "drinking god" who's able to put away more alcohol than anyone else. Story about a teen getting arrested for driving her drunk father around while she only had a learner's permit. Main character eats pot brownie. Secondary character takes speed and various other drugs. Characters described as "really high." Lots of drinking throughout. Cocaine-snorting. Vaping. Brief cigar smoking. Cigarettes shown (but not smoked). Overall, sends the message that drinking and drug use can make you stronger/more powerful. There are no consequences for substance use, and characters say things like "use this drug energy for good!" or "you should do drugs more often!"

Did you know you can flag iffy content? Adjust limits for Drinking, Drugs & Smoking in your kid's entertainment guide.

Parents Need to Know

Parents need to know that The Machine is a clumsy action comedy based on the material of comic Bert Kreischer , who plays a version of himself here. The story has him going to Russia to find a valuable watch he once stole. While the movie is comedic in tone, you can expect tons of bloody violence. Characters are shot and killed, and there's lots of fighting, plus broken limbs, someone being suffocated with a plastic bag, stabbing, a severed head, a severed scrotum, and more. In one especially wince-inducing moment, a man's fist enters a sliced-open neck wound and gets stuck there. There's also constant, extremely strong language ("f--k," "s--t," "a--hole," "c--t," "t-ts," "p---y," "bitch," and much more) and plenty of crude sex-related dialogue. Characters kiss, and a man's buttocks are shown in great detail while he bathes. Consequence-free drinking and drug use are glamorized. Characters consume great quantities of alcohol, cocaine, speed, etc., and say things like "use this drug energy for good!" and "you should do drugs more often!" To stay in the loop on more movies like this, you can sign up for weekly Family Movie Night emails .

Where to Watch

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Community Reviews

• Parents say (1)
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Based on 1 parent review

Hilariously over the top!

What's the story.

In THE MACHINE, Bert ( Bert Kreischer ) has made a successful career as a comedian and podcaster based on a wild story about the time he spent hanging out and drinking with Russian gangsters in his twenties, ultimately adopting the hard-partying persona "The Machine." Now it's decades later, and Bert is a family man who's trying to be better but largely failing. This is especially true with his teen daughter, Sasha ( Jessica Gabor ), whose Sweet Sixteen party Bert manages to foul up. Bert's own father, Albert ( Mark Hamill ), shows up at the party, immediately resuming their dysfunctional relationship. Unfortunately, Russian gangster Irina (Iva Babic) appears, too, demanding a watch that Bert stole in Russia years earlier. Bert has no memory of the watch, so Irina forces Bert and Albert to head back to Russia to retrace Bert's twenty-something steps. What awaits them there is yet another over-the-top adventure.

Is It Any Good?

This clumsy, chunky movie based loosely on Kreischer's comedy material is meant to be a cut-loose fun time, but it's so lifeless (and long) that it feels more like a painful hangover. Directed by Peter Atencio -- who, unexpectedly, was also behind the hilarious Key & Peele comedy Keanu -- The Machine , first of all, is noisy . Kreischer's comedy involves a lot of yelling , which may work in a concert hall but doesn't fare so well on the screen. And because of this piercing pitch, most of the jokes simply fail to land. Then, like many big-screen comedies, the movie can't resist the temptation to go huge, with lots of shootouts, fights, and big, over-the-top scene.

Yet none of it actually means anything, given that the quiet moments are also forced. We don't care a bit for these cardboard-cutout characters. Still, the thing that leaves the worst aftertaste is the movie's cheerful embracing of drug and alcohol misuse. Characters use drugs and alcohol like Popeye used spinach, as a superpower-enhancer, with no repercussions. The Machine is like the guy at the party who thinks he's winning the crowd over but is really just embarrassing himself.

Talk to Your Kids About ...

Families can talk about The Machine 's violence . How did it make you feel? Was it exciting? Shocking? What did the movie show or not show to achieve this effect? Why is that important?

How does the movie depict drug use and drinking ? Are they glamorized? Are there consequences? Why does that matter?

The character's father advises him to "show no fear." Is this good advice for any situation? Why, or why not?

Igor tells Bert that he saved lives by being entertaining and distracting the gangsters. In what other ways does humor have the power to do good in the world?

What are the father-child relationships like in this story? How are they similar to or different from yours?

Movie Details

• In theaters : May 26, 2023
• On DVD or streaming : June 20, 2023
• Cast : Bert Kreischer , Mark Hamill , Jimmy Tatro , Iva Babic
• Director : Peter Atencio
• Studio : Screen Gems
• Genre : Comedy
• Run time : 112 minutes
• MPAA rating : R
• MPAA explanation : strong violence, pervasive language, drug use and some sexual references
• Last updated : August 17, 2023

Did we miss something on diversity?

Research shows a connection between kids' healthy self-esteem and positive portrayals in media. That's why we've added a new "Diverse Representations" section to our reviews that will be rolling out on an ongoing basis. You can help us help kids by suggesting a diversity update.

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'The Machine': Cast, Trailer, Plot, and Everything We Know So Far

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Obviously, Bert Kreischer is the one who tells this story the best and there are plenty of clips online of him telling the story if you want to hear it for yourself, but here's a quick summary:

It all started when Kreischer randomly picked a Russian language class while attending college. According to him, the professor was desperate to keep students and was just giving out positive grades, and eventually planned a semester in Russia . The areas in which the classes were taking place were all locations controlled by various families of the Russian mob, so protection was hired in the form of paid-off mobsters. Kreischer unexpectedly formed a bond with the mobsters, saying the few words in Russian he actually knew, "I am the Machine". And just like that, a legend was born. Eventually, Kreischer and the mobsters robbed virtually every person on a train ride one day, which is the catalyst for the events that occur in the film. Check out the video in the player above to hear the story in Kreischer's own words.

To celebrate his 50th birthday and the anniversary of the Machine story, Bert Kreischer posted the first teaser trailer for The Machine on his personal YouTube channel. Most of the trailer is narrated by Irina ( Iva Babic ), the daughter of one of the men Bert and his newly found mobster friends stole from on that train all those years ago. Kreischer stole a pocket watch so sentimental to the then-legitimate businessman, it inspired the man to become the leader of a crime family the likes of which Russia had never seen, becoming feared and respected throughout the country. Irina tells the story completely straight-faced, none of it being played for laughs (while also giving a brief tease of Mark Hamill 's character) until we see the man that she's talking to is none other than Bert Kreischer, who comes to the realization that he is Irina's origin story.

The second trailer for The Machine , released by Sony Pictures on February 23rd, teases even more ensuing hilarity in the form of a raunchy red band teaser. The footage opens up with clips from Kreischer's aforementioned viral stand-up routine, before providing a bit more footage of the flashback sequence where the comedian's descent into the world of Russian crime began. Shortly after, we see Bert entertaining guests at his mansion, before being surprised by his strict and critical father, Albert Kreischer, played by Mark Hamill. Turns out the impromptu reunion with his dad are the least of Bert's problem, as Irina arrives to the comedian's home and kidnaps both him and his father. Thus, Bert and his dad must now navigate the deadly landscape of Russia's criminal underworld, while the father and son may just reconnect and reforge an understanding between each other.

Even though the film is completely finished with filming and is currently in post-production, the movie's distributor, Legendary Entertainment , didn't announce a release schedule for The Machine when the trailer was released. However, on January 5th, 2023, Bert Kreischer released the following video to announce the film's release date in hysterical fashion:

A clear parody of Tom Cruise 's death-defying stunts and featurette promotions for films like Top Gun: Maverick (2022) and the Mission: Impossible films, the short video sees Kreischer pulling off a dangerous stunt of his own before making a big announcement in regard to The Machine . While donning nothing but a helmet, speedo, and roller skates, Kreischer is ready to leap out of a moving vehicle, before getting his foot stuck under the wheel of the car and allegedly breaking his toes. That doesn't stop the famed comedian, as after he's dropped off at the nearest urgent care, Kreischer lets audiences everywhere know that The Machine will be making its way exclusively in theaters on Thursday, May 25th, just before Memorial Day Weekend. The exciting short concludes with Kreischer signing off by saying "See you at the movies" before going inside to get his foot looked at.

Instead of being a direct adaptation of the story from Kreischer's stand-up routine, the events of the Machine take place after the events described in the comedy bit. The official synopsis reads as follows:

Bert's drunken past catches up with him 20 years down the road when he and his father are kidnapped by those Bert wronged 20 years ago while drunk on a college semester abroad in Russia.

That said, it's not that we won't see the original story being adapted at all, as we do get glimpses of a young Bert played by Jimmy Tatro (is that perfect casting, or what?) on that now-infamous train ride in the trailer.

Related: Jimmy Tatro Talks 22 JUMP STREET, How He Joined the Film, His Relationship with the Other Characters, Fauxhawks, His YouTube Series & His College Fanbase

Kreischer is very much the star of the show here, but being his first feature film, he'll likely be happy to have a strong supporting cast join him. Fans of the stand-up comic were ecstatic to learn that Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill ( Star Wars ), would be joining the project in a hysterical announcement video where Hamill was announcing his "top secret" project while Bert is drinking with his shirt off in the background. Hamill is reportedly playing an exaggerated version of Bert's father, Albert Kreischer.

Iva Babic ( The Last Serb in Croatia ) will also have a major supporting role in the film and will be joined by Jimmy Tatro ( American Vandal ), Martyn Ford ( F9: The Fast Saga ), Jess Gabor ( Shameless ), Mercedes De La Cruz ( Bates Motel ), Robert Maaser ( 1917 ), Amelie Child Villiers ( The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power ), and Stephanie Kurtzuba ( The Irishman ).

In addition to starring in the film, Kreischer will be executive producing, with the creative team being led in the director's role by Peter Atencio ( Keanu ). Though the story is being adapted from Kreischer himself, penning the screenplay for the film are co-writers Kevin Biegel ( Cougartown ) and Scotty Landes ( Workaholics ).

The rest of the crew is rounded out by composer Joseph Trapanese ( The Greatest Showman ), cinematographer Eigil Bryld ( In Bruges ), editor Eleanor Infante ( Late Night ), production designer Aaron Osborne ( Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ), and costume designer Ivana Vasic ( The Deal ). The full list of credited producers and executive producers includes Maxim Ajjawi , Peter Atencio, Cale Boyter , Jonathan English , Natalie Haack Flores , Judi Marmel , Reg Tigerman , Valerie Flueger Veras , Philip Waley , and Sergey Yahontov . The Machine is produced by Shaken Not Stirred and Balkanic Media. Check this link for the full crew credits.

• The Machine (2023)

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Bert kreischer’s ‘the machine’ to hit theaters over memorial day.

Mark Hamill of 'Star Wars' fame co-stars opposite Kreischer in the film, which is based on the comedian's breakout stand-up routine.

By Pamela McClintock

Pamela McClintock

Senior Film Writer

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Comedian and star Bert Kreischer’s The Machine will laugh its way into theaters on May 26, the beginning of the long Memorial Day weekend. Legendary Star Wars actor Mark Hamill co-stars opposite Kreischer.

Sony and Legendary announced the film’s release date on Wednesday. The two companies recently announced a multi-year distribution deal.

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Peter Atencio ( Key & Peele , Keanu ) is directing The Machine from a script by Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes.

Set 23 years after the original story which inspired it,  The Machine  finds Kresischer facing familial crisis and the arrival of his estranged father (Hamill) when the ghost of his booze-soaked past arrives: a murderous mobster (Iva Babić) hellbent on kidnapping Bert back to the motherland to atone for his crimes. Together, he and his father must retrace the steps of his younger self (Jimmy Tatro) in the midst of a war between a sociopathic crime family while they attempt to find common ground.

The film is described as  The Hangover  meets Midnight Run .

Kreischer will perform a live pre-show event in Los Angeles on the evening of May 25 at a theater yet-to-be announced. The pre-show, which will be simulcast across more than 1,000 nationwide, will be followed by the first preview screening of the film.

Kreischer and Judi Marmel are producing alongside Cale Boyter, Atencio and LeeAnn Kreischer. Jay Ashenfelter and Philip Waley serve as executive producers.

The film also stars Jimmy Tatro, Robert Maaser, Stephanie Kurtzuba, Jessica Gabor, Rita Bernard Shaw, Nikola Đuričko, Oleg Taktarov, Amelie Villers and Mercedes de la Cruz.

Also opening on May 26 are Disney’s The Little Mermaid , a live-action retelling of the iconic animated film, and Lionsgate comedy My Father , starring Robert De Niro and Kim Catrall.

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The machine: the true story behind the movie.

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The 2023 movie The Machine stars stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer and is based on the true story he has shared many times on stage. Peter Atencio ( Keanu ) directed the action comedy, which follows Kreischer playing a version of himself, many years after the actual events of his stand-up bit of the same name. Mark Hamill co-stars in The Machine in his first live-action role post- Star Wars as Bert’s estranged father, Albert Sr., who gets wrapped up in the criminal past of his son. In the movie, father and son are kidnapped by Russian gang members and brought back to answer for the wild adventure Bert went on 20 years ago.

Available To Stream On Netflix

Bert Kreischer is an occasionally offensive comedian and podcaster. He first gained recognition from a Rolling Stone article that profiled him as a legendary partier at Florida State University — an article that later inspired the Van Wilder movie franchise . Kreischer's stand-up discusses his raucous past, and his most famous story, “The Machine,” chronicles a series of events surrounding a college-abroad trip to Russia. This bit is depicted in a flashback in The Machine with Jimmy Tatro of YouTube and 22 Jump Street fame as a young Bert. While the contemporary moments of the movie are fictional, the part of The Machine set in the past is true.

The Machine True Story: What Really Happened

Bert Kreischer Took Russian At FSU

In college, Burt Kreischer took Russian for two years — largely because of a deal he made with the professor, who would pass him as long as he just showed up to class. Consequently, and crucially, he only learned a few phrases. The last thing Kreischer needed to do in order to earn his minor was to spend a semester abroad in Russia, an assignment he was more than happy to complete.

Bert Kreischer Arrived In 1990s Russia

As Kreischer explains in "The Machine," criminal families in Russia held a lot of power in the 1990s. As a result, Kreischer’s class was assigned two members of the Russian mafia for protection during the course of their travels: Igor and Sasha. Kreischer’s teacher explained that the men would be shadowing the group everywhere they went and told his students not to interact with them.

Bert Kreischer Hung Out With Igor & Sasha

Despite being told not to talk to Igor and Sasha, Kreischer brought them vodka and beer on the first night of the trip. Because he had never actually studied the Russian language, he memorized a greeting that included a line about how much he loved to party. When the door opened, he found himself looking into a room full of gangsters.

How Bert Kreischer Got The Nickname "The Machine"

The fish-out-of-water moment was too much for him, and he immediately forgot his prepared line. Instead, he uttered, “ Ya machine! " which translates to I’m the machine! " After a beat, the Russian gangsters raised their glasses and cheered, “ He’s the machine! " From that moment, Kreischer was best friends with Igor and Sasha, and they only referred to him as “The Machine." In addition to spending his trip partying with the two men, Kreischer also participated in a pool-hall scam and a boat theft.

The Machine Took A Trip To Moscow

Kreischer joined his classmates on a trip to Moscow, but not only was that city run by a different family, but the mafia that controlled the train was yet another. Before they left, Igor and Sasha introduced Kreischer to the class's new mafia chaperones, who immediately took to "The Machine." They invited Kreischer into first class, while the rest of the students sat in coach, and he proceeded to drink vodka with the gangsters and the train's conductor.

The Machine Robbed The Train

When their supply of alcohol was gone, the party went to the train’s bar cart to get more vodka, as well as bread, cheese, and, to Kreischer’s surprise, rubles. He had essentially been tricked into robbing the bar cart. Once it got dark, Kreischer joined his new friends as they stole from passengers' luggage — including his classmates' suitcases. The next morning, Kreischer was awakened by his teacher telling him that they’d called the police and officers were outside waiting for him.

The Machine & The Police

Before Kreischer could stand up to go outside, the gangsters stopped him and said they would take care of it. Kreischer watched his friends go outside and yell at the police in front of his entire class. Eventually, they waved Kreischer outside to talk to the police himself. One of the officers grabbed him, looked him in the eyes, and asked, “ Are you the Machine? ” When Kreischer said yes, the officer pulled him closer and said, “ Tonight, you party with us! ”

The Machine: How The Movie Changes The True Story

Bert Kreischer's stand-up routine usually ends with the part at the Moscow train station. He occasionally adds an epilogue or embellishments to the story to keep it fresh, but he generally maintains the same central storyline. The true story doesn’t have any far-reaching consequences, but the movie version of The Machine imagines how the events of Kreischer's trip could have had rippling repercussions years later.

For this, The Machine makes some changes to the true story. In the movie, the flashback to the scene on the train shows that Kreischer believes he hasn't stolen anything of note, as he makes a conscious effort to only take things that appear to be of little value. However, he does steal a valuable pocket watch from an important Russian figure, and that man's daughter has been searching for Bert ever since. This is why, in the present, Bert and his father are kidnapped and brought back to Russia to answer for his crime.

Along with that one change to the true story in The Machine , the entirety of the present-day scenes are made up. Kreischer may have had a difficult relationship with his father, but what is depicted between his character and Albert Sr. in the movie is not necessarily based on anything from reality. Their abduction to Russia, meanwhile, is completely fictional. These main events of The Machine are set up by Kreischer's true story and then expanded upon with an all-new action-packed follow-up that gives thematic weight to the popular tale.

• The Machine (2023)

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Comedian Bert Kreischer is known for many things throughout his lifetime. One may know him by his nickname of “The Machine,” or another might recognize him as the comedian who somehow always manages to perform shirtless. Kreischer has become popular throughout recent years, especially in 2019. In 2023, the world is being gifted with a cinematic version of one of his stand-up routines, and it’s called The Machine . With a fictionalized touch, the film draws on his particular brand of humor and style to elevate this story beyond where it has already gone.

Directed by Peter Atencio, The Machine found its origins in a stand-up routine from several years ago. The premise behind the movie was invented by Kreischer, a Florida comedian who had his start after gaining attention for his stand-up routines in Tallahassee. The Machine is based on a skit that Kreischer had made that goes by the same name. Inspired by his life and a very specific time Kreischer once had, the rights for a movie were acquired back in 2019 by Legendary Entertainment. A film adaptation was set and, four years after the rights were bought, the movie is finally coming to American theaters after several trailer releases .

The main cast of The Machine consists of Bert Kreischer, who plays himself in the movie, Mark Hamill, Jimmy Tatro, Stephanie Kurtzuba, Iva Babić, and Jessica Gabor. Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes were both involved with the screenplay and writing process of the film. The comedy movie was filmed abroad in Serbia. Released among some heavy hitters of Memorial Day Weekend in 2023, especially Disney’s The Little Mermaid , The Machine has some tough competition, especially for those who don’t lean into this kind of humor for entertainment.

A College Study Abroad Comes Back to Haunt Us

If audiences were not already familiar with Kreischer and the kind of work he does, The Machine ’s opening montage does the crash course in all things Kreischer; a compilation of magazine covers, Tweets, and social media posts serve as a reminder of his career as a comedian, but, most importantly, it provides the gist that his popularity blew up because of his Russian train story where he claims he helped Russian gangsters steal from an entire train full of people. But when the clip of him telling that stand-up routine reaches Russia and is subtitled for the local audience, a high-ranking gangster immediately wants Kreischer’s head after he mentions he took a watch from someone in the bit.

Meanwhile, back in the United States, the movie’s version of Kreischer is struggling with his home life. He has just started therapy and there is a big divide between him and his eldest daughter: as it turns out, he caused something that led the police to punish him and his daughter. A failed family therapy session proves that Kreischer still has many issues, despite him denying it, and his wife brings up the fact he has issues with his father – something that hasn’t come up before in the therapy session.

Related: Exclusive: Bert Kreischer on The Machine, Mark Hamill, and Finding Himself

Their situation becomes even more tense when Bert throws a massive sweet 16 for his daughter, which isn’t what she wanted from him. Things get even worse when his father shows up and immediately unearths all of Bert’s trauma when his father criticizes his skills in making hamburgers on the grill. After a shouting match with Georgia, a member of the Russian mafia, Irina, kidnaps him, his daughter, and his father whisks them away to Russia. Irina is in search of her father’s watch, and is angry when Bert has no idea where it is, nor can he recollect the moment of actually taking that watch.

The vast majority of The Machine takes place in Russia, where, many years ago, Bert studied and gained the reputation of being “The Machine.” While it is sort of a homecoming, he is stuck with his father, who he isn’t on the best terms with, and people are amazed that he of all people is the legendary Machine. Although people expect him to have a taste for violence because of his reputation, the course of the movie shows that he is vastly unprepared for what is ahead of him, and with that comes many revelations as well.

Incorporating Humor into Bad Situations

It would be a massive disservice to make a movie about a comedic retelling of a story without incorporating humor, so The Machine does just that. The classic elements of some of Kreischer’s routines are incorporated into the film itself; in one climatic action scene, he pulls off his shirt and begins to fight against Russian mob members shirtless while downing vodka like he used to as a young college student. It’s in these moments that it becomes increasingly obvious certain scenes are pandering towards Kreischer’s fanbase that is supposed to come and see the movie.

Comically intense gore also plays a key role when Bert and his father, Albert, land in Russia. These Russian crime families take their roles seriously, and with that comes quite a few flashy scenes with guns, fist fights, and knives. At one point, a guy is even beheaded, his blood spurting all over Bert as he screams about it. The comedic absurdity is leaned into through the situation Albert and Bert find themselves in; the fact they were randomly kidnapped at his daughter’s sweet 16, surrounded by at least 100 party guests, and taken to Russia by a crime lord’s daughter is pretty out there, to begin with.

Related: The 8 Funniest Movies Starring Stand-Up Comedians

Some of the jokes and gags land well, but some may find them quite distasteful and masculine. There are several jokes about feminism scattered throughout the movie, but they’re done in poor taste. At one point, Bert makes an off-hand joke about Irina being autistic because how she’s bad in social settings. Many jokes about Kreischer’s weight and calling him fat are thrown into the narrative as well, especially when the Russians compare him to the idolized version of The Machine they had in their head. In 2023, some of these gags might not land as well as they used to.

In an hour and 52 minutes, there’s no denying that some aspects of The Machine are funny. The pacing is good, and there aren’t any specific scenes that feel like they go on forever. However, despite all the wisecracks and jokes going on in the background, the best parts of the movie shine through when they feel authentic. Although it’s a fictional story based on a real story, there are hints of Kreischer’s genuine real-life experiences poking through, and those don’t feel odd or too out there.

Well Intended, but Not Quite There Yet

There are some key messages scattered throughout the movie that could be wholesome, such as how Bert learns to live with his father again in a way that isn’t completely destructive to everyone's collective mental health. A clear character arc can be mapped throughout The Machine that shows how this trip to Russia may have been more effective than therapy was in the first place, proving Bert’s wife right when she says that going out and doing his thing might do more for Bert than sitting in front of his therapist. Will audiences walk away with the go-getter attitude that they should go seek help and heal all their broken relationships? Probably not, but it makes a good emotional story.

However, no matter how good the intentions of the movie might be with its emotional scenes and plot twists, it can’t help the fact that the plot is scattered. Certain moments are simply too convenient, mere vehicles to keep the story progressing even if they might not make sense. Although the movie begins in the present day, when Kreischer has his family, we, as the viewers, are thrust back into the past when he starts to recall his life in Russia. His return to Russia is a homecoming, but how he pisses off the girl he likes on his study abroad trip in the past might be a red herring that implies something more is going to happen here despite Bert being married.

The Machine might be based on a real-life story, but it takes the elements of truth and bends them into something that is loosely based on the reality that happened in Bert’s young adulthood. The acting is pretty well done throughout the movie, especially when it comes to the actor playing the younger version of Bert (a great Jimmy Tatro), and Iva Babić, who portrays Irina, the female daughter of a mafia boss . There might be too much going on at times, but The Machine is a wild ride, and some audiences might find it worth it to journey all the way through. Others, not so much.

The Machine is out in theaters on May 26, 2023.

• Movie and TV Reviews
• The Machine (2023) (2023)

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Official Discussion - The Machine [SPOILERS]

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Bert's drunken past catches up with him 20 years down the road when he and his father are kidnapped by those Bert wronged 20 years ago while drunk on a college semester abroad in Russia.

Peter Atencio

Kevin Biegel, Scotty Landes

Bert Kresicher as Bert

Mark Hamill as Albert

Jimmy Tatro as Young Bert

Iva Babic as Irina

Robert Maaser as Alexei

Stephanie Kurtzuba as LeeAnn

-- Rotten Tomatoes: N/A

Metacritic: N/A

VOD: Theaters