funny essays for school

• Clean Comedian
• Press-Feedback-Praise
• Testimonials
• Electronic Press Kit
• Jewish Comedy
• Shaun’s Comedy Talents
• Banking / Financial / Wall Street / Insurance / Investment Comedy
• Shows for Senior Citizen Groups
• Business School… in About an Hour
• Corporate Comedy
• Mustache Life sketch
• Obamas on Vacation sketch
• Recurring Character sketch
• Trump King Day Speech sketch
• Expired Comedy (topical humor)
• Comedic Essays
• Blog (shorter comedic essays)
• “A Tale of Two Kiddies” (short children’s story)
• Are Female Comedians Finally in Demand? (Newark Star-Ledger op-ed)
• From Justice to Laughter (NJ Lawyer Magazine article on attorneys who became comics)
• From Justice to Laughter narrated for the vision-impaired (mp3 file)
• Women Are Funny (originally published on Yahoo Shine)
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Health and Rackets”
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Private Lines”
• A Short Tribute to George Carlin
• South African Comedy
• What’s More Jewish Than Comedy? (Reform Judaism magazine)
• Earthquake Flow Chart
• How to Tell a Joke
• How to Hire a Comedian

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

——————————————————————————-

Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 177 Writing & Speech Ideas

Every one of us needs a little bit of laughter in our lives. In the academic world, working on a persuasive essay on a fun topic is one of the best ways to enjoy paper writing. By discussing something entertaining, you can connect with your reader on a more personal level.

If your readers or audience are enjoying themselves, it will be much easier to get their attention and impress them. This is the primary goal of a persuasive essay or a speech.

Coming up with a fun persuasive speech topic is often challenging for students. After all, most of their assignments tend to be more serious and informative. We understand this concern – and we want to help!

Our team has created an ultimate list of funny persuasive essay topics. You will find plenty of examples and prompts that you can use in your work. We have also included useful advice on how to find ideas for a paper. And check out our guide to making your speech or writing fun.

• ✨ Top Fun Topics
• 🧨 How to Find Topics
• 🌧 Topics on Ecology
• 🎭 Topics on Culture
• ⚖ Topics on Laws
• 💞 Topics on Love
• 🌭 Topics on Food
• 🍎 For Elementary Students
• 🏫 For Middle Schoolers
• 🗓 For High Schoolers
• ☕ For College Students
• 👩‍🏫 Making It Funny

✨ Top 10 Fun Persuasive Speech Topics

• Fast food – it’s not that bad!
• Education – students deserve a stipend.
• Recycling – does it work?
• Veganism – everyone should go vegan!
• Homework – we don’t need it!
• Writing – keeping a journal is great.
• Mental health – best way to cure phobias.
• Money- it can buy happiness!
• Taxes – classes for high school students.
• Alcohol – worse than drugs!

🧨 How to Find Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Try not to look only for persuasive topics that are funny. Search for the ones that aim to impress your audience. How do you choose the right one?

Determine an engaging subject area

Choose something thought-provoking, so you and your audience can have fun discussing. It is an essential thing to start with.

Get some ideas

Use lists on the Internet or have an ideation session. After picking your subject, start brainstorming for ideas. Ask for help from your friends and family or look at our list of suggested amazing topics! Look at some essay samples , too. They can be a great source of inspiration and fresh ideas.

Consider what interests you in particular

Find something that is going to be entertaining for the target audience and, most importantly, yourself. It is a significant advantage if the topic you are talking about is personally interesting to you.

Think whether you have anything to say

Choose an entertaining topic you will be able to talk about. Having an opinion about your subject is crucial, but stay open-minded for a discussion.

Research for possible arguments

Analyze what evidence and facts you can find on the Internet. Speculate on the arguments for and against your topic before writing. To include them in your paper, you need to ensure their high quality.

Exclude useless ideas from your list

Avoid using thoughts that do not correlate with your subject. If they are contradictory or there is simply not enough data on them, throw them away. Choosing the right ones will save you a lot of time.

Pick the one

After applying all of the tips listed above, do not hesitate to pick the one idea you prefer the most. Take a look at the list below to find impressive and interesting writing & speech topics!

🎇 A List of 103 Funny Persuasive Topics

Under this subheading, we have created an ultimate list of fun persuasive writing topics. There are five main themes with various ideas for your paper/speech.

🌧 Funny Persuasive Topics on Ecology

• Solar energy harvesting should be obligatory for every citizen.
• Water is going to be the most valuable resource in the future .
• We should teach the baby boomer generation about climate change.
• Can owls be domesticated?
• The sewage system is the most useful creation of urban ecology.
• Natural environments occur heterogeneously or exhibit patchiness .
• Is ecotourism better than the regular one?
• If humans had not discovered agriculture, our world would be completely different today.
• Overpopulation has severe effects on the environment .
• Biowaste is an excellent source of alternative energy.
• Can donating have a more significant impact than recycling?
• We should ban the usage of plastic bags altogether.
• Many of our environmental problems today come from human greediness.
• The most dangerous creature in the world is…a mosquito.
• Natural science can be fun if taught the right way.
• Deep-sea creatures have a completely different lifestyle from regular ones .
• A big pandemic can reduce the level of global death statistics.
• Both renewable and non-renewable electricity sources produce pollution .
• Global warming is a straight ticket to economic and geopolitical problems.
• Some animal zoos are no better than jail for humans.
• Unsustainable tourism can deeply hurt our environment .
• Animals understand nature better than we do.
• Why should we be more conscious of domestic water usage?

🎭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Culture

• Talk shows should be banned from television.
• The toxicity in social media should be punished by law.
• The Hollywood dream is fake.
• People in Western culture are obsessed with their looks .
• Should we stay off Facebook?
• Materialistic ideas heavily influence the nation of UAE .
• How would the Buddhist monk react to your shopping habits?
• Love portrayal in movies is far from reality.
• Why are dads in sitcoms so childish sometimes?
• Studying a nation’s pop culture is a great way to learn about its people’s values and beliefs.
• The expression of love is different in every culture .
• Beauty pageants are sexist towards women.
• Our culture changed drastically with the advancement of technology .
• A controversial public figure will get more media attention than a “quiet” one.
• White people tend to appropriate black culture .
• Modern social standards have a direct connection with our pop culture.
• Smoking is a big part of our culture .
• How do you make everyone want to befriend you?
• Celebrity idolization is pad practice.
• People are easily offended nowadays, but they have every right to feel so.

⚖ Funny Persuasive Topics on Laws

• The absence of gun control laws is the ultimate example of democracy in the United States.
• Taxes for individual businesses should not exist.
• The government should increase corporation taxation.
• Lottery wars are a real thing .
• Do female criminal gangs exist ?
• Honking in a traffic jam should be considered criminal.
• Online gambling is getting out of control .
• Why pay bills when you can live in the wilderness?
• Gun ownership should be illegal for people under the age of 21.
• Marijuana usage should be legal worldwide.
• America is misled about its rights to freedom of speech .
• We should contribute more to avoiding wars and international conflicts.
• International law is not really a law .
• Racial profiling is not an effective way of police work.
• The war on drugs has been the longest in US history.

💞 Funny Persuasive Topics on Relationships

• Creativity and dishonesty have a lot of things in common in a relationship .
• Your boyfriend should not be your reason to cry.
• What does not affect a child’s psychology?
• The couples’ therapy does not work.
• LGBT community confronts outdated conventions of society .
• What should be considered a family?
• The long-distance relationship is the worst kind of relationship.

• There should be boundaries in a marriage .
• Stop viewing relationships as a game.
• A mother-child relationship starts before that child is born .
• After a failed relationship, a simple conversation is sometimes better than finger-pointing.
• Can love between two people last forever?
• Online dating is worse than the real one.
• Rich couples have lower divorce rates .
• If you cannot respect your partner, you deserve to be alone.
• What is the proper way to ask a girl out on a date?
• How do you balance work and family ?
• Sometimes communication just does not work if you like someone. You need to take action.
• Honesty could ruin a good relationship.
• How to talk to your crush if you have anxiety?
• If you are having seconds thoughts about a date – cancel it.
• Choose your clothes carefully for the first date.
• The flirting ideal is different for males and females .

🌭 Funny Persuasive Topics about Food

• Junk food is not actually that bad for you.
• Why is food in Mexico so spicy ?
• Ramen is the greatest creation of humanity.

• Fish is the most valuable food resource for humans .
• A vegan diet could kill you.
• Your fresh meat from a local store is, in fact, not fresh.
• Hotpot is a new trend for restaurants worldwide .
• Farms use a lot of illegal methods to increase their production.
• Food science saves our lives daily.
• Curry is perfect for your health .
• Yogurt is the best among fermented foods.
• Sustainable food allowed our civilization to thrive.
• The fast-food business model’s primary aim is profit, not food.
• Opening a Halal restaurant is a profitable business model .
• Are we supposed to believe nutrition facts on packages?
• America developed its way of dining out .
• Globalization plays a significant role in a country’s food culture .
• Some things to do when you are offered food you don’t like.
• Ketchup can improve the taste of every dish.
• Are men better chefs than women?
• Technology has drastically changed the way we eat.
• Mediterranean cuisine is the best cuisine in the world.

😂 Persuasive Essay Topics: Funny for Whom?

This chapter is going to list funny persuasive topics for people of different age groups. However, remember that humor is a very subjective thing. Each and one of us (no matter the age) has different mentality and ideals.

We are going to try and speculate what funny things are worthy of discussion for each generation. Let’s go!

🍎 Funny Persuasive Topics for Elementary Students

• We should ban adult news and leave only cartoons on TV.
• Schools should include computer games classes in their program.
• Our schools should do activities more often, such as camping and excursions.
• Chocolate awards are the best demonstration of the teacher’s appreciation.
• A school classroom should have more toys.
• A lunch box is the most valuable thing in our backpacks.
• Writing an email requires concentrated group work.
• Teachers should have more rest from their pupils.
• Your yearly achievements should be read aloud by your parents.
• Homework is useless for elementary students.
• A pack of gum is more valuable than money.
• School cafeterias should be banned for their lack of good food.
• Family is the primary source of happiness in our lives.
• Collecting certain things is an excellent way to become popular in school.
• Domestic robots are going to make us lazy.

🏫 Funny Persuasive Topics for Middle Schoolers

Middle school is the place where students are only beginning to get acquainted with world realities. They form new relationships, discover sports, drama clubs, start new adventures, etc. First gossips and rumors spread. Middle school is also the first place where students first face bullying.

Here are some topics for this generation:

• Teachers should allow students to express themselves freely in middle school.
• We should ban books and only use iPads in classes.
• Public schools should be administered wiser .
• The efficiency of children’s literacy development must be increased .
• Building new relationships is the best thing about middle school.
• Every school has one craziest school story.
• Do boys gossip more than girls?

• The only thing you think about during classes is song lyrics.
• 7th grade is the time when you start having crushes.
• It is impossible to order at McDonald’s without staying “Ummm.”
• Teachers are the biggest motivators for students .
• Pen clicking is the most annoying thing during a test.
• Finding old pictures of yourself is the worst thing ever.
• According to teachers, grades are more important than your emotional and physical health.
• In middle school, you learn to hate people truly.
• They tell us sleep is essential, so why do the classes start early?

🗓 Funny Persuasive Topics for High Schoolers

This period is filled with excitement and many adventures. At the same time, students experience too much stress and anxiety. The finals, prom, separation from their parents, college, and adult life are looming.

• Don’t neglect your teachers; they should become your friends in the last year.
• Don’t like Shakespeare? Study him even more !
• Why is math so complicated in high school?
• “The Epic of Gilgamesh” is the best piece of literature studied in high school .
• Watching Ted Talks is better than studying.
• We should live according to the rules of High School Musical .
• Yearbook quotes are the reason why we go to high school.
• Senior high school students experience more stress in the last year than all the previous ones combined.
• Graduation is the happiest moment of your life.
• The concept of a zombie comes from Haitian culture , but it blooms in every high school.
• Waiting for a letter from a college is the most stressful thing during high school.
• There should be a gap year after high school to decide your future.
• Job interviews for high schoolers should be banned.
• Why is it so stressful to ask a person on a prom date?
• Monday classes should not exist.
• Household rules could tell a lot about someone’s family.

☕ Funny Persuasive Topics for College Students

Almost anyone could say that college is the most fun period in their lives. You can have independence, crazy parties, new relationships, etc. At the same time, college students have to get used to a different lifestyle living away from parents.

• College students are the best procrastinators.
• Fast food is bad for your mental health.

• You have to get a job in college.
• How do I not go broke in college?
• Doing your laundry is a waste of time.
• Parents can still control you even in college.
• Fraternities are not so cool anymore.
• If you want better grades, try to understand your professor.
• Is attending college worth it ?
• College jokes are the best.
• College students are the best liars.
• Memes is a fantastic stress reliever.
• The hypocrisy levels of professors are sometimes unbearable.
• What is the best hobby one could have in college?
• Adults can attend college, and we should support it.
• Colleges should be mandatory .
• Coffee is your best friend in college.

👩‍🏫 Guide to Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

So, you have already chosen your idea from our funny persuasive topics list. However, you also have to make sure that your speech or essay correlates with it.

Here’s a guide just for that:

• Think of your audience . What age group is going to listen to you or read your persuasive essay? What humor would they appreciate? This tip is an essential part of your success.
• Evaluate whether a humorous approach can contribute to the success of your essay or speech. Your final goal is to persuade. If jokes here and there will only interfere with your objective, don’t incorporate them.
• Consider your strengths . You’ve probably used humor before in your daily conversations. Which jokes were successful? Are you good at relatable comedy or anecdotes? Looking for an impressive funny topic, you have to take your skills into account. Otherwise, even the hilarious idea will fail. Always keep practicing.
• Try different techniques . If you’re good at various types of humor or at least willing to attempt, use a few methods. Storytelling, anecdotes, tags, ambiguity, self-deprecation—the list goes on! Try different approaches not to become predictable. Check online sources that speak on the many humor techniques.
• Use expressive yet simple language . It’s hard to laugh when you’re trying to understand what the author intended to say. If you are struggling with word transparency, check your dictionary for synonyms.
• Don’t forget to pause . Doesn’t matter whether you write or speak—give your reader or listener time to prepare for the next joke. Effective spaces between comedic moments are essential not to turn your persuasive speech into a standup. Throwing too many jokes around does not work. Aim for quality over quantity.
• Practice the jokes on your close ones. Try to find the age group similar to your future audience and ask for their opinion. Then you’ll be able to polish and improve your humor. Both essay writing and public speaking require some practice.

That is everything you need to know about funny persuasive writing topics! We thank you for taking the time to read our article. If you liked it, share it with your friends to help them find information on the subject.

🔗 References

• 414 Funny and Humorous Speech Topics [Persuasive, Informative, Impromptu]: My Speech Class
• 4 Steps to Finding a Speech Topic that Clicks: Michelle Mazur, Communication Rebel
• How to Use Humor Effectively in Speeches: Write Out Loud
• How to Add Power or Humor with the Rule of Three: Andrew Dlugan, Six Minutes
• 7 Tips on Writing an Effective Essay: The Fastweb Team
• Introductions and Conclusions: Writing Advice, University of Toronto
• College Essay Examples How to Write Your Story Best Colleges: Josh Moody, US News
• Essays That Worked: John Hopkins University
• How To Write A Persuasive Essay: Writing Guides, Ultius
• Tips To Write An Effective Persuasive Essay: Dr. Michael W. Kirst, The College Puzzle
• Share via Facebook
• Share via Twitter
• Share via LinkedIn
• Share via email

371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024

Writing an argumentative essay is not the funniest thing to do. Even so, there are ways to ease this process and make it less strained – choose a catchy topic! Dive into the article and find some funny argumentative essay topics for your assignment.

Our team worked very hard to develop more than 200 funny essay topics for you. We hope you’ll enjoy these humor essay topics, but keep in mind that writing an essay is not all fun and games. It requires concentration and some analysis.

⚠️ BONUS: tips on the most efficient argumentative essay outlines ⚠️

🔝 Top 12 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics

• 🔖 Argumentative Topics 2024
• 🗂️ Essay Outline
• ⚔️ Topics to Debate on
• 🍂 Easy Topics
• 🪂 Chill Topics
• 🔥 Hot Topics
• 🤔 Thought-Provoking Topics
• 🗣 Argumentative Speech Topics
• 🔃 Topics on Argumentation
• 🙈 Persuasive Topics
• 📏 Discipline-Specific Topics

🌟 Unique Argumentative Essay Topics

🤪 silly argumentative essay topics, 🌞 light-hearted argumentative essay topics.

• Is homeschooling better than traditional schooling?
• Are video games a good way to relieve stress and anxiety?
• Is it better to study alone or in a group?
• Is it important for everyone to learn a second language?
• Should celebrities be role models?
• Is fashion important in expressing individuality?
• Should people embrace the trend of minimalist living?
• Do virtual influencers benefit the marketing industry?
• Is it better to have a small family than a large one?
• Should parents be friends with their children on social media?
• Is it better to pursue multiple careers throughout one’s life?
• Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?

🔖 Argumentative Essay Topics 2024

• Does vegetarianism help climate change?
• Are our lives better with the Internet?
• Should the death penalty be abolished?
• Should we pay taxes to governments?
• Is providing free medical insurance a government’s responsibility?
• Euthanasia should be illegal because of its harm.
• Should political activism be compulsory?
• Are we on the edge of WW3?
• Why should public surveillance cameras be banned?
• Do we need more gender inclusivity?
• How far should we go with exploring space?
• Should people have a right to own a gun?
• Should marijuana be allowed in all countries?
• Is using a smartphone for hours dangerous for health?
• Should police officers have a college degree?

🗂️ Argumentative Essay Outline. Effective Organization

we will show you three main methods to organize an argumentative essay. Classical type, Rogerian type, and Toulmin type. You can pick one or just get ideas on how to build up your argumentation.

These were the three most prominent methods to organize your argumentative essay effectively. Here you can familiarize yourself with them in detail and find examples. However, it is still possible to use other strategies for building argumentation.

⚔️ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics to Debate on

The best questions for argumentative essays have no obvious answers and always produce conflicting options.

Here are a few examples:

• Does smoking help people make acquaintances?
• Dating apps made romance disappear.
• Freedom of expression should be guaranteed to everyone.
• Does DNA or upbringing define us?
• Can democracy work in the Middle East ?
• Fast food companies should not advertise to children.
• Is global warming overrated?
• Would the world be better without religion?
• Distracted driving: should talking & texting be banned?
• Is organic food anyhow better, or is it just a marketing trick?
• Are conflicts necessary for healthy relationships ?
• Should lecture attendance be optional?
• Should same-sex couples receive constitutional protection?
• Should sex education be a compulsory subject at school?
• Should the rich be taxed more?
• Why should we pay for music?
• Is the first impression of a person always right?
• Should students add their teachers as friends on Facebook?
• Should companies try to copy their competitors?
• Should governments censor material on the internet?
• Can businesses learn from their customers’ complaints?
• Should all energy drinks be banned?
• Should we limit our use of social media?
• Is China a new superpower ?
• Is policing in the US racially biased?
• Should the right to die be considered a right?
• Should terrorists be treated like criminals or like enemy combatants?
• Is the body or the mind primary?
• Juveniles should not be tried as adults .
• Will the redistribution of wealth eradicate poverty?

🍂 Easy and Fun Essay Topics

Forget that an argumentative essay topic requires discussing classic issues like abortion or euthanasia. A good debate subject can also be a funny topic to write about.

• Should employees be allowed to use social media at work?
• Should companies send “happy birthday” messages to clients?
• Do stay-at-home mothers exhibit more indicators of happiness than full-time working mothers?
• Would Shakespeare’s plays be more interesting if shortened?
• Should internet slang like “LOL” and “IMHO” be included in dictionaries?
• Full-day vs. half-day kindergarten: which is better?
• Does the English language need to be more straightforward?
• Should kids be allowed to draw on walls?
• Art, music, and dance in treatment.
• Do modern schools depend too much on technology?
• Are online classes valued less?
• Medical practices in Ancient Greece, Igbo Culture and Kikuyu Pre Colonial .
• Is the character of an individual prescribed or acquired?
• Should hospitals use placebo treatments?
• Do innovations make us lazier?

🪂 Chill and Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

The easiest way to write an A+ persuasive essay is to choose a topic that genuinely interests you:

• Can college athletes be intelligent?
• Arguments for and against the fast food industry in the USA.
• Should students have profiles on all major social networks?
• Should people abandon cash and use plastic cards only ?
• Drug legalization: for and against.
• Should countries have “one-car-per-family” policies?
• Why is obesity not considered a disease?
• Should we preserve old buildings as historical monuments ?
• Are some TV ads objects of art ?
• How does the environment affect health, and why is this an essential global health policy concern?
• Is music in shopping malls harmful to employees’ well-being?
• Can listening to your favorite music heal?
• Argue for or against mandatory vaccination for all students of public schools.
• Should journalists who distort the truth to make the news more sensational be punished?
• Are hybrid cars friendly to the environment?
• Should all TV channels have censorship ?

🔥 Hot Argumentative Essay Topics

If you’re still here, then you’re probably looking for something special, like these argumentative essay topics:

• Is using animals for experiments justified?
• Do SOPA and PIPA make pirates more skilled?
• Is negative PR the secret behind Justin Bieber’s success?
• Smoking in public places: arguments for banning.
• Should Wikipedia give diplomas to its most faithful readers?
• Can diamonds be girls’ best friends?
• Dangers of spreading human immunodeficiency virus.
• Should couples live together before marriage?
• Should parents tell their kids about the birds and the bees?
• Physician-assisted suicide is a basic right.
• Can virtual reality be dangerous for kids?
• Should condoms be distributed in high schools?
• Is too much political correctness making communication more confusing?
• Is it possible to get 100% clear and unbiased results from psychological research ?

🤔 Thought-Provoking Argumentative Essay Topics

Consider choosing one of these interesting argumentative essay topics for college:

• Can any behavior be predicted?
• Does a tattoo on a face spoil the first impression about a person?
• Should the modern voting system abolish the electoral college?
• How many Facebook friends is it healthy to have?
• Should we get rid of all euphemisms and say things as they are?
• Should we consider Trump a populist?
• What is the best use for duct tape other than taping things?
• Should the US government provide more public goods?
• What’s the real meaning of children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes?
• Privacy and security of online networks.
• Should people be able to patent their ideas?
• Is there a lack of African American women in federal government positions?
• Is panda hugger a serious job?
• Is Esperanto a failed language?
• The problem of authorities’ corruption.
• Are millennials unhealthily addicted to social media?
• Problems of overcrowding in prisons.
• Is it possible to live your entire life without leaving a trace online ?

🗣️ Funny Argumentative Speech Topics

Are you looking for good persuasive speech topics? Here are some creative speech ideas:

• Should soccer players be allowed to fight on the field?
• Family values and needs conflict in nursing ethics.
• Should society have child-free restaurants?
• Is Coke better than Pepsi?
• Should the lottery be illegal?
• Should everyone climb Mount Everest at least once in their lives?
• Should the law prohibit taking selfies while driving?
• Are moist cookies better than dry cookies?
• Should the drinking age be lowered?
• Should students be allowed to wear dreadlocks at school?
• Should you refuse to sign a prenuptial agreement?
• Health effects of high fructose-containing sugars.
• Should you create your own subculture ?
• Should students be graded on their computer literacy?
• Should marijuana be legalized around the world?
• Should meat lovers be more mindful of vegetarians?
• World Trade Organization membership impact.
• Should everyone abandon cars and ride bikes instead?
• Should airlines have a two-seat policy for heavier people?
• What role does China play in shaping the contemporary politics of the world?
• Should you add your parents as friends on Facebook?
• Is the sharing economy essentially the same thing as communism ?

🔃 Essay Topics on Argumentation

What about some quibble? You may try to speak about argumentation itself since there is a lot of dispute about its nature, structure, and models. For instance:

• Should students choose research and essay themes themselves?
• Can argumentative writing help in different life situations?
• Do good arguments resolve conflicts , or do they push you to contradict?
• Would famous persuasive speeches produce the same impact on the audience of today?
• Is an argumentative essay for college students an easier task than for school students?
• Persuasion techniques of politicians .
• Do some argumentative issues lack real problems to be discussed?
• Can a good discursive essay be composed without proper argumentation?
• Does an argumentative paper format impact its message and value ?
• Can argumentative essay exercises in school contribute to writing skills demonstrated in college and university?
• Mass media and propagation of political rhetoric .
• Can essay subjects be too simple to develop good argumentation?
• Are some controversial topics missing controversy?
• Do argumentative essays with sources have higher persuasive power?
• Do short argumentative essays lack depth?
• Argumentative essay on global warming .
• Is an accepted college essay format assistance or limitation?
• Should students prepare debate arguments in advance or develop them during debates?
• Individual’s strengths and problem-solving skills.
• Does a formal argumentative essay lack personalization?
• Is writing a persuasive essay a skill or a talent?
• I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King.
• Should an argumentative style of writing be formalized?
• Do all persuasive speeches require personal charisma?
• Personal skills application in project management .
• Can an argumentative paper fail because of its neutral tone?
• Is there a difference between an argumentative and a persuasive essay?
• Mikhail Gorbachev’s 1988 UN speech.
• Is there a universal argumentative essay model?

🙈 Funny Persuasive Essay Topics

• Are early marriages more likely to end in divorce?
• Do older people receive better care in retirement homes than with family members?
• Should hyperactive kids receive treatment?
• Social media: positive aspects for teenagers.
• Should mind reading during poker games be banned?
• Should parents pass tests before homeschooling their kids?
• Are humans addicted to technology?
• Should parents lie to their kids about Santa Claus?
• Standing on the feminist side in same-sex marriage.
• Is it fair to use the results of standardized tests to define schools’ budgets?
• Are optimism and success infectious?
• Impact of video games on students.
• Is the Bermuda triangle a creation of our imagination?

📏 Discipline-Specific Argumentative Essay Topics

If your task was to write an argumentative essay on a particular subject, try to find something in the lists below.

🌐 Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Media and the Internet

• Modern technologies make people lonelier and more depressive.
• Impact of globalization and technology on cross-cultural negotiations.
• The use of filthy language on the internet negatively affects the quality of vocabulary in daily life.
• The use of the Internet in police technology.
• Modern teenagers lack survival skills due to their reliance on technology .
• Live communication will soon minimize due to smartphones.
• The educational system gains more than it loses with the development of technologies.
• Technology and healthcare: a shortage of healthcare providers and the aging demographics.
• Facebook and other social networks pose a threat to your privacy.
• The internet violates intellectual property rights.
• The role of technology in the work of nurses and its analysis.
• Did school shootings increase due to the popularity of video games ?
• Politics and social movements: race, ethnicity, and the use of social media.
• Do gadgets limit children’s imagination?
• Will rapid technological development lead to a global crisis?
• Social media for law enforcement.
• The dependence of the world on the internet is excessive.
• Internet users need online censorship .
• Sites that promote aggressive or inadequate behaviors, violence, etc., must be banned.
• Computers and technology in law enforcement and investigations.
• Kids should be denied access to the internet .
• Virtual relationships cannot exist for a long time.

👩‍🎨 Argumentative Essay Topics on Culture

• Does conceptualism make art lose its value?
• Do the lyrics in today’s songs make any sense?
• How do logos change the perception of a brand?
• Does modern art require talent, or can one rely on ambition only?
• Is poetry relevant anymore?
• How do gangsta rap and rock music address violence, racism, and social issues?
• Is there a superior kind of art, or do they all have equal value?
• Does mainstream culture make people dull and limited?
• Impact of computer technology on architecture.
• Does free access to unlimited information on the Internet make us more knowledgeable?
• Violent music and its impacts on children.
• Should one be wealthy to be able to build a career in art?
• Is the art of professional criticism lost for good?
• Is American cinematography worse than European, or is it prejudice?
• Gender role in the music videos.

‍🤝 ‍Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Issues

• Freedom of speech is more important than the prevention of extremism.
• Combating drug abuse: public policy issue .
• Small talks are a very effective way to maintain lots of social connections.
• Immigrants should be treated and perceived the same way as other members of society.
• Public policies in the healthcare sector.
• Universities consider the individual characteristics of their students for a more efficient studying process.
• Compliance with COVID-19 measures is a personal choice of each individual.
• Major healthcare reforms in the US.
• Is it socially acceptable to remark to a stranger who is being very ill-mannered?
• Global health promotion and wellness.
• Is gender-specific etiquette a relic of society, or should it still be followed?
• Is social inequality a result of the market economy?
• Government response on growing inflation and unemployment rates.
• If each millionaire in the world donated $1 per day to needy people, there would not be poverty.
• US gun control policies should be stricter .

🦹 Argumentative Essay Topics on Gender In/Equality

• Does gender discrimination still exist?
• Gender differences in military negotiations.
• Male discrimination is not less relevant and important than female.
• Gender studies should be taught at school.
• Ethnic and gender diversity issues in policing.
• Gender oppression resulted in almost no female explorers, politicians , and other outstanding figures in different fields.
• Gender bias in child care and child health: global patterns.
• The level of gender equality positively correlates with the GDP of a state.
• Straight white men are to blame for female oppression.
• Gender issues faced by psychiatric-mental health nurses.
• Would a women-dominated society be much more sufficient?
• Objectification of women through female genital mutilation.
• Female persons are in greater danger of sexual exploitation.
• Highly religious communities could never achieve gender equality.
• Positive gender discrimination is as wrong as negative one.

💸 Argumentative Essay Topics on Business

• Testing products on animals is unacceptable in the modern world.
• Environmental economics issues and policies .
• How much do economic and political conditions determine the well-being of a business?
• Businesses’ obligations with respect to the environment .
• Focus on the market doesn’t result in much prosperity.
• International business and supply chain management.
• Studying business will not make you a successful businessman.
• Monetary benefits for employers are more effective than moral encouragement.
• Joe Biden’s Pressure to lift US-China supply chain tariffs.
• Corporate training is crucial for employees.
• Can a company succeed without a proper marketing strategy?
• Unemployment in the Gulf States.
• With the continually growing competitiveness, it is harder to enter the market than it used to be in earlier days.
• Motivating factors for women entrepreneurs.
• Do local businesses need more support than big companies?

📖 Argumentative Essay Topics on History

• History has no subjunctive mood.
• Elizabeth I’s leadership. English history.
• Should denying the Holocaust be criminalized?
• Should there be an opportunity to sue governments for historical crimes?
• Equal opportunities throughout American history.
• Is there any possibility of fair solutions for land conflicts?
• Russia and the US getting involved in the Middle East conflict worsened the situation.
• US military involvement in Mexico’s drug wars.
• Particular persons started the worst wars in history.
• Witch-hunt in Europe during the Middle Ages.
• Karl Marx might have had the biggest ever impact on society.

🕹️ Argumentative Essay Topics on Technologies

• Can artificial intelligence be dangerous for human civilization?
• Impact of information technology business outsourcing and off-shoring.
• Should developed countries invest more in space exploration than in social problems?
• Homeland security intelligence gaps in the US.
• Will driverless cars cause more problems, or is it a better choice?
• Automation of manufacturing not only jeopardizes related jobs but also organically creates new working places.
• How can information technology be used to gain a competitive advantage?
• Has Silicon Valley failed to solve the world’s technological revolution problems?
• Information technology in Saudi Arabia’ education.
• Will the rise of machines undermine democracy?
• Can cryptocurrency actually replace banks?
• Videogaming can make people smarter.
• Li-Fi technology: goals and significance.
• Individuals should have a right to erase all their personal information online .
• Cyberwars are overrated.
• Vehicle tracking technology project management.
• Smart gadgets make people lose their decision-making and practical thinking skills.

🤝 Argumentative Essay Topics on Politics

• Political presence in non-political events (Olympic Games, Eurovision Song Contest, the Oscars, etc.) should be eliminated.
• National security VS people’s privacy. What should be dominant?
• The American government’s ban on Tik-Tok .
• Should all the countries that have nuclear weapons destroy them?
• North Korea’s nuclear problem: impact and solutions.
• Do illegal migrants have to be deported provided help?
• African conflicts and critical problems.
• Should there be a universal basic income on a state level for everyone?
• The places in the parliament (or any other highest governing institution) should have equal gender division .
• Should patriotism be part of decision-making when it is about international relations?
• Felony disenfranchisement: serious problems.
• Would it be more efficient to make one government for all countries globally?
• Issue priorities in Biden’s budget.
• Voting has to be compulsory for everyone.
• Politics and economy in healthcare system.
• Robots should substitute presidents.

🤓 Argumentative Essay Topics on Education

• Should both the author and the person who copied be accused?
• How does government legislation impacts educational institutions?
• Should students hand over their gadgets before the class?
• Educational policies on internal and local populations.
• Does it improve the studying process if a teacher spends time with students outside of the classroom?
• Should a student be allowed to express their creativity if it deviates from the studying process?
• Professional goals for public health education .
• Bullying at school depends on how good the education is given in a school.
• Public education budget shortage analysis.
• A student’s success is influenced by their classmates more than by their parents .
• Nursing education systems in Kenya and Ireland .
• Boys and girls should attend different schools.
• Women’s rights movement impact on education.
• Students should be allowed to choose the courses they want to study.
• Should the legal drinking age be lowered to 18?
• What is the role of art in society, and how should it be supported?
• Should animals have the same rights as humans?
• Should parents have the right to make all decisions for their children, or should children have more autonomy?
• Should the use of plastic straws be banned globally?
• Is it ethical to use virtual influencers (AI-generated personas) for marketing purposes?
• Is it acceptable to use psychedelic drugs for spiritual or religious purposes?
• Should all countries switch to a four-day workweek?
• Is it ethical to use virtual reality technology for empathy training?
• Should the study of philosophy be a mandatory part of school curriculums?
• Should parents have the right to choose the gender of their child?
• Is technology making us more connected or more isolated?
• Should schools focus more on teaching practical life skills rather than academic subjects?
• Are mental health issues being taken seriously enough in society?
• Are professional athletes overpaid, or do they deserve their high salaries?
• Is it ethical to use mind-reading technology to prevent crime?
• Would it be justified to use time travel to change historical events?
• Is it reasonable to have a national holiday dedicated to celebrating socks?
• Should people be allowed to have pet dinosaurs?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory “silly walk” zone in every city?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory silly hat day every week?
• Is it acceptable to eat breakfast foods for every meal?
• Should the official language of the world be emoji-based?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory daily nap time for adults?
• Should all transportation be replaced with giant hamster balls?
• Should we have a mandatory “dance like nobody’s watching” hour every day?
• Should people be required to wear sunglasses at all times, even indoors?
• Should people be allowed to communicate exclusively through interpretive mime?
• Should all work meetings be conducted in the form of a talent show?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory “bring your pet to work” day every week?
• Is it better to have a dog or a cat as a pet?
• Everyone should read the book before watching the movie adaptation.
• Is it better to play board games or video games for family bonding?
• Listening to music on vinyl records vs. digital streaming platforms.
• Should hobbies be included as part of a school curriculum?
• Is it better to watch movies in the theater or at home?
• Should siblings share a bedroom or have their own rooms?
• Is it better to have a single favorite hobby or multiple hobbies?
• Is it better to listen to music while working or study in silence?
• Should pets be allowed in restaurants and cafes?
• Should pets have their own birthday parties?
• Should families eat dinner together at the table every night?
• Is it better to play classic board games or modern board games?
• Is it better to watch movies in 2D or 3D format?
• Should schools have a “Pajama Day” or “Crazy Hair Day”?

What’s next?

Having selected a good topic to argue about, you now need to create an argumentative essay outline . Read and analyze some persuasive essay examples to learn more about the structure and vocabulary used in this type of essay.

If you liked our good and easy argumentative essay topics, then take a look at our other helpful essay topic articles.

For more amazing essay ideas, check out:

• Best Psychology Persuasive Speech Topics & Essay Ideas
• Top 100 Research Topics for ABM Strand Students

Happy writing, dear friends! See you again!

🔎 References

• How to Write a Good Argumentative Essay: Easy Step-by-Step Guide
• Argumentative Essays, Purdue University
• 50 Compelling Argumentative Essay Topics
• 401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing
• All Debates | IQ2US Debates

414 Proposal Essay Topics for Projects, Research, & Proposal Arguments

725 research proposal topics & title ideas in education, psychology, business, & more.

click here to read it now

Read this week's magazine

9 Funny Essay Collections

Maeve in America: Essays by a Girl from Somewhere Else is comedian Maeve Higgins's wickedly funny essay collection. The 14 pieces in the collection such topics as Rent the Runway, teaching a comedy workshop in Iraq, the Muslim travel ban, and more, all containing incisive humor and deep humility. Higgins picks 10 of her favorite funny essay collections.

1. The Long-Winded Lady: Notes from The New Yorker by Maeve Brennan

Not strictly an essay collection, Brennan’s sketches of life in New York City in the '50s and '60s are full of pathos and wit. They are not very long, but that very brevity is key to their success. You know that scene in the movie Amélie where the heroine links arms with a blind man and gives him a whirlwind tour of hectic cityscape? That’s the breathless feeling you get reading Maeve Brennan, given an edge with her keenly dark sense of humor throughout.

2. I Feel Bad About My Neck by Nora Ephron

Lucky for us, we have a number of Ephron’s essay collections, but this one is a favorite of mine because it’s so charming, honest and fun to read. Ephron does not tolerate despondency or morbidity, and I wonder what she would make of outlets publishing still-fresh tragedy-struck pieces written by hungry young writers today. In "Moving On," an essay about making a home and a life for herself and her two little boys after an excruciating divorce, Ephron stays focused and funny. She is clear-eyed but not without emotion, a balancing act hard to do on the page, but one she pulls off with style.

3. Swerve: Reckless Observations of a Postmodern Girl by Aisha Tyler

This raucous book full of backstage comedy gossip and frank advice about sex and dating was published in 2004, well ahead of other essay collections on similar themes that would later be hailed as "ground-breaking." Tyler’s star has risen since this collection, having co-hosted The Talk and starred in Criminal Minds for many years. These essays are still fresh and lovely to read today, and you can hear Tyler’s voice as you read, so it feels like sitting with your clever friend over drinks, staying up late the way you have to sometimes, and just letting it all come out in the wash.

4. Men Explain Things To Me by Rebecca Solnit

This book got me good–reading it, I was shaking my head and laughing out loud, sometimes at the same time. Solnit’s succinct reporting on gender, blended with her own lived experience, is a winning combination. At times her writing is all too relatable and elicits the type of embittered laugh that comes with a deep recognition of how messed up misogyny is. This is also the laughter of kinship, the screech of "that happened to me too!" and "I never knew this was a thing ." So much fun, and you wind up feeling bolstered and ready to deal with the next mansplainer, who will, no doubt, be along in a minute.

5. Vacationland by John Hodgman

I never knew I’d care so much about Maine until I read this delightful, self-aware, and surprising collection by the very funny and subtly profound writer, known to many from his days on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Hodgman refuses to take himself seriously, which is important, because it helps us to join him as he explores his particular fate as a successful, white, middle-aged man in America today, and adore him all the more by the end of it.

6. You Can't Touch My Hair: And Other Things I Still Have to Explain by Phoebe Robinson

A dizzying, hilarious trip through pop culture, race, and gender from this young comic. Full disclosure: I am friends with Phoebe. That only makes me more sure of her talent, because any memoirist knows it’s almost impossible to accurately portray oneself in words; self- consciousness, vanity, lack of skill often prevent any possibility of actually translating a person into a book. But this is the real woman; full of life and intellect and fun.

7. I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

A classic for so many reasons, and a book that spawned a hundred imitators. The jokes are so strong, the stories so well-timed and the writing so sly and perfect, it’s impossible not to fall for the woman behind the mishaps of a life not working out as planned. I smile about the essay where Crosley gets locked out at least once a week, and I read this book ten years ago. Perfection.

8. Calypso by David Sedaris

The latest offering from the master of the funny essay, Calypso will make you laugh and shake your head at the somehow completely relatable oddness of Sedaris and his family and his various preoccupations. Calypso also gave me pause—Sedaris has been writing for many years now, and this collection more than the previous ones reaches that bit deeper into the melancholy parts of life. All the better, because the truth in sadness verifies the truth in joy, and so you have in your hands an authentic book, a real journey, that will make you laugh until you cry and then laugh again. I recommend listening to as an audiobook if you can, Sedaris is a wonderful reader. 

9. One Day We'll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter by Scaachi Koul

I knew Koul from her sparky and witty online presence—she is a culture writer for BuzzFeed living in Canada—and was enthralled by her book which flows beautifully. Her essays feature a few overriding themes: being a woman, being the child of immigrants, being brown, being online. All of these are facets of Koul’s experience in the world, and she navigates through with much humor and a sharpness that is quite thrilling to read. A generous and lovely book. Her depiction of her father and their relationship is nothing short of hilarious.

• You are a subscriber but you have not yet set up your account for premium online access. Contact customer service (see details below) to add your preferred email address and password to your account.
• You forgot your password and you need to retrieve it. Click here to retrieve reset your password.
• Your company has a site license, use our easy login. Enter your work email address in the Site License Portal.

85 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics For High School Students

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people”

These words by the renowned comedian Victor Borge clearly highlight the power of using humor to bring people together. When it comes to persuasive speeches, incorporating a touch of humor can make all the difference. Humor captures the attention of people and connects with them on a personal level which helps make a lasting impression, fulfilling the purpose of a persuasive speech. 

In this blog post, you’ll find a list of funny persuasive speech topics for high school students to help them learn how to use the power of humor to engage the audience while giving a presentation or a speech. Get ready to unleash your inner comedian, challenge the status quo, and inspire laughter while making a compelling point. Remember, my fellow mischief-makers, humor is the secret weapon that can transform any persuasive speech into a rip-roaring adventure. So buckle up, hold onto your funny bones, and let’s embark on this laughter-filled journey of persuasive mischief!

Funny persuasive speech topics for high school students

• Why cats make better pets than dogs
• The benefits of procrastination
• The art of being awkward
• Why pizza should be considered a vegetable
• The joys of being a couch potato
• Why Mondays should be eliminated
• The secret to being a professional video game player
• The importance of napping in school
• The perks of being short
• The art of taking the perfect selfie
• Why chocolate should be its own food group
• The benefits of wearing mismatched socks
• The science behind laughter
• How to win an argument even when you’re wrong
• The best excuses for not doing homework
• The joys of eating dessert first
• How to become an expert at taking naps
• The magic of duct tape
• The importance of wearing pajamas to school
• The secret to being a professional procrastinator
• The art of making funny faces in the mirror
• Why school should start at noon
• The benefits of laughing at your own jokes
• The joys of eating breakfast for dinner
• The science of funny pick-up lines
• How to survive a boring class
• The importance of having a good sense of humor
• The perks of being a class clown
• The secret to winning an argument with your parents
• The art of making funny noises
• Why wearing pajamas all day is fashionable
• The benefits of watching cat videos on YouTube
• The joys of talking to yourself
• The science behind funny dance moves
• How to become an expert at using emojis
• The importance of having a funny ringtone
• The perks of having a messy room
• The secret to writing a funny persuasive speech
• The art of telling cheesy jokes
• Why sarcasm is the best form of communication
• The benefits of having a funny nickname
• The joys of eating dessert for breakfast
• The science behind funny internet memes
• How to survive a zombie apocalypse with humor
• The importance of laughing at your own mistakes
• The perks of having a funny voice
• The secret to making your teacher laugh
• The art of creating funny prank videos
• Why bad puns are actually good
• The benefits of using funny GIFs in conversations
• The joys of making funny faces behind people’s backs
• The science behind funny YouTube videos
• How to become an expert at making funny animal sounds
• The importance of having a funny alarm clock
• The perks of having a funny email signature
• The secret to making people laugh without saying a word
• The art of writing funny captions for Instagram photos
• Why awkward moments make the best memories
• The benefits of using funny memes in school presentations
• The perks of having a funny voicemail message
• The secret to making funny faces in class without getting caught
• Why laughing at yourself is a sign of confidence
• The benefits of having a funny signature move
• The joys of eating ice cream in the winter
• The importance of having a funny desktop wallpaper
• The perks of having a funny profile picture
• The secret to making people laugh through written communication
• The art of delivering a funny introduction
• The benefits of starting a laughter club in school
• The joys of creating funny doodles in class
• How to become an expert at telling funny anecdotes
• The secret to making funny faces in photos without looking awkward
• Why telling jokes during presentations can improve your grades
• The benefits of using humor to diffuse tense situations
• The joys of making funny voices during storytelling
• The science behind why puns are universally funny
• How to become an expert at creating funny social media posts
• The importance of using humor to cope with stress
• The perks of having a funny ringtone for each of your friends
• The art of creating funny skits for school events
• Why laughing at your own mistakes is a sign of self-acceptance
• The benefits of using humor in persuasive writing
• The joys of organizing a school-wide prank day
• The science behind why funny videos go viral
• The importance of using humor to connect with others

How to choose the best topic?

Humor has a remarkable ability to engage an audience, break down barriers, and make your message memorable. Whether it is quotes for seniors , lunch box notes , or reunion quotes , infusing humor can effectively communicate your ideas while ensuring a delightful experience for your listeners.

Now, let’s explore the key pointers to help you choose the best persuasive funny topic:

• Consider your audience: Take into account the preferences, interests, and sense of humor of your audience. Tailor your topic to their tastes to maximize engagement and enjoyment.
• Find relevance: Look for topics that have a connection to your audience’s lives. Explore everyday situations, common experiences, or current events that can be presented in a humorous and relatable way.
• Combine unexpected elements: Think outside the box and combine unrelated ideas or concepts to create a humorous twist. Unleash your creativity and embrace the unexpected to generate laughter and intrigue.
• Balance humor and persuasion: While humor is essential, ensure that your topic still serves a persuasive purpose. Find a balance between entertaining your audience and effectively conveying your message or call to action.
• Test your ideas: Share your potential topics with friends, family, or colleagues with a similar sense of humor. Gauge their reactions and seek feedback to determine which topics elicit the most laughter and enthusiasm.

Humor has the remarkable ability to captivate an audience, break down barriers, and make our messages unforgettable. By infusing our speeches with wit and comedic charm, we can effectively communicate our ideas while leaving a lasting impression. 

Remember, the key to a successful funny persuasive speech lies in understanding our audience, finding relevance in our topics, and striking a balance between humor and persuasion. Now, go forth, and discover a myriad of funny and quirky topics discussed above, challenging the conventional and inviting laughter into your persuasive endeavors. Let your persuasive speeches resonate with humor and charm.

Sananda Bhattacharya, Chief Editor of TheHighSchooler, is dedicated to enhancing operations and growth. With degrees in Literature and Asian Studies from Presidency University, Kolkata, she leverages her educational and innovative background to shape TheHighSchooler into a pivotal resource hub. Providing valuable insights, practical activities, and guidance on school life, graduation, scholarships, and more, Sananda’s leadership enriches the journey of high school students.

Explore a plethora of invaluable resources and insights tailored for high schoolers at TheHighSchooler, under the guidance of Sananda Bhattacharya’s expertise. You can follow her on Linkedin

Leave a Comment Cancel reply

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

What are your chances of acceptance?

Calculate for all schools, your chance of acceptance.

Your chancing factors

Extracurriculars.

Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Related CollegeVine Blog Posts

WE'RE LIVE ! Try your first incense for just $4.99 . GET OFFER.

• Journal prompts

50 Fun Journal Prompts For High School Students With Examples

• December 20, 2023
• By Niriksha

Table of Contents

Introduction.

Hey there, high school pals! 

Ever feel like your thoughts are doing the salsa in your head and you just need a cool way to put them on paper?

In this blog, we’re diving into 50 Fun Journal Prompts for high school students along with examples.

It’s not your typical “Dear Diary” situation; it’s more like a ticket to a rollercoaster ride of self-discovery, creativity, overcoming fears, and all-around good vibes.

Benefits Of Journaling For High School Students

Journaling gives your brain a workout – it’s like a gym for your thoughts!

Feeling the stress? Write it out! It’s like taking a chill pill without the actual pill.

Your journal is the coolest playground for your ideas. Swing from creative thoughts to awesome plans!

Journaling isn’t just writing; it’s like a happiness closet! It makes memories stick like glue – no forgetting those epic high school moments.

Journaling is the train that helps you ride out the ups and downs of your emotions and helps you express them in a positive way.

Take a selfie for your soul! Journaling helps you discover who you are and what makes you awesome.

Upgrade your brain with the think-o-meter! Journaling boosts your thinking skills and turns you into a mini genius.

Getting Started

Grab a cool notebook and your favorite pen. 

Find your writing nook. It could be your bed or a cozy corner. 

Just write whatever pops into your head. 

Morning, Noon, or Night – Pick Your Power Hour! 

Don’t just write – doodle, draw, and scribble. Your journal is a canvas for your thoughts. It’s like a dance party, but with pens.

Share your journaling victories with your friends, and inspire them to unveil their hidden superpowers.

Check out: 50 Fun Journal Prompts For Middle School With Examples

50 Fun Journal Prompts For High School Students

Embark on a journey of self-expression with these Fun Journal Prompts for High School Students with examples.

Journal Prompts For Self-Reflection

Prompt: Pretend you’re a graffiti artist, but instead of spray paint, tag three things you’re grateful for today. Get creative with doodles and colors!

Example Entry: Drew a happy face for my awesome lunch, a thumbs-up for acing that math quiz, and a heart for my best friend’s hilarious jokes.

Prompt: Pick an emoji that represents how you felt during a moment today. Describe the situation using only emojis and then write about why it made you feel that way.

Example Entry: 😄+☕️= Morning coffee made me feel super happy and ready to tackle the day!

Prompt: If you were a superhero facing a challenge today, what superpower did you use to overcome it? How did you grow from the experience?

Example Entry: Used the power of “Time Management” to defeat the evil procrastination monster!

Prompt: Create a mini comic strip showcasing a situation where you showed kindness or empathy. Add speech bubbles and share the impact it had on others.

Example Entry: Drew a comic where I shared my umbrella with a friend in the rain. We both laughed, and it felt awesome!

Prompt: Imagine your life as a movie, and you need a song for your “goal-achieving” montage. Pick a song and explain how it represents your journey toward a specific goal.

Example Entry: “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor because I rocked my basketball game today and felt like a champion!

Prompt: Hunt for emojis that express how you felt today. Use them to create an emoji collage and then write about the day’s adventures in emoji-style sentences.

Example Entry: 😅+📚= Survived a surprise pop quiz. 😄+🎨= Fun art class!

Prompt: Create a doodle wall in your journal with symbols representing your top three values. Write short captions explaining why these values are essential to you.

Example Entry: Doodled a heart for kindness, a lightbulb for creativity, and a handshake for teamwork. These values make me who I am!

Prompt: Design a comic book cover featuring you as the superhero of self-care. Highlight different self-care activities you enjoy and explain their importance.

Example Entry: “Captain Chill: The Epic Adventures of Relaxation” – Cover features me meditating, reading, and dancing like no one’s watching!

Prompt: Take a “success selfie” after achieving something today, big or small. Add fun captions and emojis to capture the moment and share how you celebrated.

Example Entry: Selfie after acing the science project with the caption, “Nailed it! Celebrated by doing a victory dance in my room! 💃”

Prompt: Imagine forgiveness as a magical fortune cookie. Write a message of forgiveness to yourself or someone else and illustrate it with a magical fortune cookie drawing.

Example Entry: “Dear Me, forgive and forget. Your mistakes are like yesterday’s fortune – gone but led to today’s wisdom!” 🥠✨

Unleashing Creativity with Journal Prompts

Prompt: Turn a memorable high school moment into a meme. Create a catchy caption and image that captures the essence of the event.

Example Entry: Caption: “When the teacher says ‘pop quiz’ but you studied all night.” Image: A gif of a dancing cat celebrating.

Prompt: Sketch out your entire day in doodle form. Each doodle should represent a different part of your day, from waking up to going to bed.

Example Entry: Doodle of an alarm clock buzzing, followed by a sun for a sunny walk, a slice of pizza for lunch, and a moon for bedtime.

Prompt: Reflect on a challenging situation or conflict through a rap battle-style poem. Use rhythm and rhyme to express your thoughts and feelings.

Example Entry: “In the halls of high school, drama unfolds, but I keep my head high, and my story is told. Tests and quizzes, they try to bring me down, but I rise above, wearing my academic crown.”

Prompt: Summarize your day using only emojis. Challenge yourself to convey the highs and lows of your day with creative emoji combinations.

Example Entry: 🌞📚🍕😅🏀🎶🌙

Prompt: Describe a day in your life as if you were living in an alternate universe. How would things be different, and what fantastical elements would exist?

Example Entry: In this universe, my backpack is a rocket, and I travel to school through a rainbow tunnel. Homework is done with magic spells, and lunch is served by friendly robots.

Prompt: Write a series of text messages from your future self. What advice or funny anecdotes would your future self share with you right now?

Example Entry: Future Self: “Hey past me, remember that embarrassing moment? It becomes a legendary story you laugh about with friends. Embrace it!”

Prompt: If you were a superhero with a high school alter ego, describe a day in your life balancing school and saving the world.

Example Entry: “Balancing math class and fighting evil robots today. Note to self: Super strength is not helpful when handing in homework.”

Prompt: Imagine your life as a movie, and create a playlist of songs that would play during different scenes. Explain why each song suits the moment.

Example Entry: Scene: Morning routine. Song: “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Because I feel happy when brushing my their teeth?

Prompt: Pick a historical event, and create an Instagram feed as if you were there. Post pictures, captions, and hashtags as if you were a witness to the event.

Example Entry: Caption: “Chillin’ with Shakespeare at the Globe Theatre! #ShakespeareInRealLife”

Prompt: Design a movie poster for the story of your high school life so far. Add a tagline, dramatic visuals, and even a review quote from a fictional critic.

Example Entry: Movie Title: “High School Chronicles: A Rollercoaster of Emojis.” Tagline: “Laugh, Learn, Emoji! A must-watch teen comedy for the ages.”

Exploring the World with Journal Prompts

Prompt: If life had a theme park, what rides and attractions would represent the different aspects of its meaning? Design a “Philosophical Funhouse” map with quirky names and wild rides.

Example Entry: “The Rollercoaster of mood swings” or “The Tunnel of Infinite Curiosity.”

Prompt: Invent superhero personas to tackle global challenges. Describe their superpowers and how they’d team up to save the world in a comic strip or short story.

Example Entry: “Captain Climate” with the power to control weather, and “Equality Enchantress” with the ability to promote fairness.

Prompt: Imagine fashion trends from the future. Draw or describe what people might wear in 2050, taking into account technological advancements and environmental awareness.

Example Entry: “Eco-chic Hover Boots” or “Solar-Powered Sunglasses.”

Prompt: Turn a current news story into a rap battle. Pick two perspectives and create a rap dialogue that presents both sides of the issue in a humorous way.

Example Entry: Climate Change vs. Renewable Energy – “Wind Turbines vs. Fossil Fuels Rap Battle.”

Prompt: Write a letter to extraterrestrial beings explaining the challenges and triumphs of humanity on Earth. Use creativity to describe everyday life and global issues as if you’re sharing it with space friends.

Example Entry: “Dear Aliens, today we celebrated International Pizza Day – a worldwide event where we come together in the name of cheesy goodness!”

Prompt: Create a treasure map with key points representing global issues you’re curious about. Each “X” marks a question you want to explore further on your quest for knowledge.

Example Entry: “X marks the spot for unraveling the mysteries of climate change!”

Prompt: Imagine you’re a pop star with a cause. Write the lyrics to a catchy song that promotes positive change in the world.

Example Entry: “Groove for Green: A Climate Anthem” with a chorus that gets everyone moving to save the planet.

Prompt: Conduct a fun interview with a time traveler who has witnessed positive global changes. Ask them about the coolest advancements and the unexpected twists in our future.

Example Entry: “Time Traveler Tales: Hoverboards, Holograms, and Happy Endings.”

Prompt: Turn a serious news headline into a meme. Use humor and creativity to convey a message about the global issue in a way that makes people think.

Example Entry: News Headline: “World Leaders Unite for Climate Accord.” Meme: Image of world leaders in superhero capes with the caption, “Saving the Planet, One Accord at a Time.”

Prompt: Design fortune cookies that provide humorous or quirky advice to combat fears about the future. Share your fortune cookie wisdom with friends or classmates.

Example Entry: “Fear not, young explorer! Your future is brighter than a glow-in-the-dark supernova. Shine on!” 🌟

Navigating High School Life with Journal Prompts

Prompt: Reflect on your favorite and least favorite classes this semester. What aspects make a class enjoyable or challenging for you? If you could design a dream class, what subjects and activities would it include?

Example Entry: “Favorite Class: Chemistry – Explosive experiments make learning fun! Least Favorite Class: History – Too many dates to remember, not enough explosions.”

Prompt: Share a recent academic success and a challenge you’ve faced. What strategies helped you succeed, and what can you do differently to overcome future obstacles?

Example Entry: “Aced the math quiz by joining a study group! Struggled in English, but planning to start a reading club to improve.”

Prompt: List three things that bring you joy at school and three that frustrate you. How can you amplify the joys and navigate the frustrations more effectively?

Example Entry: “Joys: Lunch with friends, art class, and surprise free periods. Frustrations: Long bus rides, homework overload, and cafeteria food. Time to plan more lunch meet-ups and tackle homework strategically!”

Prompt: If you could time-travel to the beginning of the school year, what advice would you give your past self? Reflect on the changes you’ve experienced and the growth you’ve achieved.

Example Entry: “Dear Freshman Me, relax, join clubs, and don’t stress the small stuff. You’ll make great friends and discover hidden talents!”

Prompt: Create a playlist that represents your high school experience so far. What songs capture the highs, lows, and everything in between?

Example Entry: “High School Symphony: Track 1 – First Day Jitters, Track 5 – Victory Dance (Aced the Biology Exam), Track 10 – Friday Freedom.”

Prompt: Imagine your locker could tell stories. What would it say about your high school journey? Share funny anecdotes, challenges, and moments of triumph.

Example Entry: “Locker Chronicles: Witnessed the birth of a secret handshake, survived the great pen explosion of ’22, and proudly displayed a perfect test paper!”

Prompt: Envision your ideal high school experience by graduation. What accomplishments do you hope to achieve, and how do you plan to make the most of your time?

Example Entry: “Future Me: Valedictorian speech, art showcased in the school gallery, and unforgettable memories with lifelong friends. Let’s make it happen!”

Prompt: If you had a magic wand to change three things about your school, what would they be? How would these changes enhance your overall experience?

Example Entry: “Magical Wishlist: 1) More creative electives, 2) Comfortable seating in the library, 3) School-wide pizza parties every Friday!”

Prompt: Confess one thing you’re looking forward to and one thing you’re dreading about the upcoming school month. How can you turn the dread into excitement?

Example Entry: “Looking forward to the science fair but dreading the big history project. Let’s turn that project into a history masterpiece!”

Prompt: If you were a superhero navigating high school challenges, what would your superhero name and powers be? How would you conquer homework mountains and defeat procrastination villains?

Example Entry: “Captain Curiosity – Power of Infinite Focus and Homework-Hacking Abilities! Ready to conquer the school universe!”

Fostering Relationships with Journal Prompts

Prompt: Imagine giving out “Bestie Badges” to your friends. What unique qualities earn them this special honor, and how would you celebrate their awesomeness?

Example Entry: “Bestie Badge for the ‘Master of Memes’ – Always bringing laughter to the squad! Celebratory dance party, anyone?”

Prompt: If you could throw a “Friendship Fiesta,” what games, activities, and snacks would you include? Describe the ultimate fiesta that celebrates your squad.

Example Entry: “Friendship Fiesta: Pin the Tail on the Inside Joke, Karaoke Chaos, and a Snack Buffet featuring ‘Doughnut Mountains.'”

Prompt: Pick three emojis that represent your dream team of friends. What do these emojis symbolize about the awesome adventures you’d have together?

Example Entry: “Dream Team: 🚀 (Adventure-Seekers), 🤣 (Humor Masters), 🤝 (Supportive Sidekicks). Together, we’d be the ultimate squad!”

Prompt: Picture your friendships as a rollercoaster ride. What are the thrilling highs, the unexpected twists, and the exhilarating loops that make your squad the coolest ride in the amusement park?

Example Entry: “Friendship Rollercoaster: Loop-de-loop of Laughter, Thrilling Trust Falls, and the Heart-Stopping Hug Drop!”

Prompt: Imagine a giant graffiti wall celebrating your friendships. What colorful images and words would you spray-paint to express your gratitude for your pals?

Example Entry: “Spray-painting ‘Epic Adventures,’ ‘Giggles Galore,’ and ‘Friendship Forever’ on the Gratitude Graffiti Wall!”

Prompt: If your friendship was a recipe, what ingredients would it include? Cook up a creative concoction that represents the unique flavor of your squad.

Example Entry: “BFF Recipe: 2 cups of Laughter, 1 pint of Understanding, a dash of Adventure, and sprinkles of Inside Jokes. Mix well for the perfect friendship feast!”

Prompt: Start a compliment carousel by giving yourself a compliment. Pass it on to a friend, and encourage them to keep the carousel spinning with positivity. How far can the compliments go?

Example Entry: “Compliment Carousel: I’ve got the coolest taste in music! Friend, your positive vibes light up the room. Keep the good vibes rollin’!”

Prompt: Imagine you have a friendship fortune teller predicting the future of your squad. What hilarious and exciting fortunes does it reveal about the adventures ahead?

Example Entry: “Friendship Fortune: A treasure hunt of fun awaits you! Unexpected dance-offs and epic movie nights in your future!”

Prompt: Create a flipbook animation that tells a short story about a funny or heartwarming moment with your friends. What quirky characters and plot twists make it a memorable flipbook?

Example Entry: “Flipbook Fun: The Adventures of ‘Squad Squad’ – starring us, the superheroes of laughter and epic pranks!”

Prompt: If you and your friends went on a backpacking quest, what essentials would you pack to ensure a legendary journey? Draw or describe the hilarious and practical items you’d bring.

Example Entry: “Bestie Backpack: Snacks for days, a portable karaoke machine, and a map of ‘Laugh Out Loud Land.’ Ready for the quest of a lifetime!”

Must read: Morning Journal Prompts

Tips for Using the Prompts

Combine prompts for a unique journaling blend. Mix and match to create your personalized prompt party!

Communicate with emojis! Turn prompts into a quick and colorful emoji adventure.

Dedicate an hour each week for your journaling workout to flex those mental muscles.

Share favorites, trade ideas, with your friends, and turn your journals into a collaborative creative carnival.

Also read: 30 Engaging Self-Confidence Activities For Students 

Keep in mind, that there’s no specific correct or incorrect approach to address these prompts. Simply allow your thoughts to flow freely, and enjoy the process.

The goal is to have a great time as you engage with the prompts and explore the depths of your mind.

Leave a Comment Cancel Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

• Incense Sticks

What is Nag Champa? History, Fragrance & Much More

Top 10 Sleep Music To Help You Sleep like a Baby

Lavender Incense Spiritual Uses (Fragrant Guide to Inner Harmony)

How to Sleep in 5 Minutes ( 8 Proven Techniques )

Blue Sage Spiritual & Medicinal Benefits (With Best Picks)

• Candle Warmer , Incense Sticks

Bath and Body Works Candle Warmer | Unbiased Review

BRAHMAS LIFE SCIENCES .

Receive the latest articles, tips, and offers.

• Contact Details

HQ : Brahmas Life Science, Inc. 8 The Green Suite #4714 Dover, DE 19901

Phone : +1 302 520 3772, timings : mon – sat: 08:00 – 21:00, email : [email protected].

• Terms and Conditions
• Privacy Policy
• Bulk Orders
• Bulk orders

2024 ⓒ Brahmas Inc, USA

It looks like you haven't added any items to your cart yet.

Calculate for all schools

Your chance of acceptance, your chancing factors, extracurriculars, ever read funny college essays that worked.

I've been working on my college essays and came across some advice that said sometimes using humor can be effective. Have you guys read any funny college essays that actually worked and got someone accepted? Looking for inspiration and examples!

Yes, humor can be effective in college essays if used appropriately and it doesn't distract from the main message you want to get across. It's important to make sure the humor is a natural part of your story and not forced, as it should complement your writing rather than become the focus.

If you want to look at some examples, I recommend looking at this post from collegevine: https://blog.collegevine.com/should-you-be-funny-in-your-college-essay

Keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for another, so it's essential to ensure that humor is something that fits your writing style and personality. If humor comes naturally to you and you feel that it adds to the story you want to tell, give it a try. But if it feels out-of-place or forced, it's best to focus on other aspects of your story that are genuine and interesting. Remember, the goal is to give the admissions officers insight into who you are and what you would bring to the campus community.

About CollegeVine’s Expert FAQ

CollegeVine’s Q&A seeks to offer informed perspectives on commonly asked admissions questions. Every answer is refined and validated by our team of admissions experts to ensure it resonates with trusted knowledge in the field.

Essay on A Funny Incident in School

Students are often asked to write an essay on A Funny Incident in School in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on A Funny Incident in School

Introduction.

School life is full of fun and laughter. One funny incident that I’ll never forget happened during our science class.

The Funny Incident

Our science teacher, Mr. Smith, was demonstrating a chemical reaction. He mixed two substances in a beaker and expected a color change.

The Unexpected Happens

Instead, there was a loud pop and the mixture overflowed, covering Mr. Smith in colorful foam. The class burst into laughter.

That day, we learned science can be unpredictable and fun. This incident still brings a smile to our faces.

250 Words Essay on A Funny Incident in School

School life is a blend of laughter, joy, and learning, punctuated by memorable incidents. Some incidents are so hilarious that they remain etched in our minds forever. One such incident that comes to mind is the ‘Great Water Balloon Incident’ of my high school years.

It was the last day before summer break, a day known for mischief. A group of notorious seniors decided to bid farewell to the school year with a bang. Their master plan? A water balloon attack on the entire school.

The Execution

The seniors, armed with water balloons, took strategic positions. As the bell rang for lunch, they began their attack. Balloons filled with water rained down, causing chaos and confusion. Students scurried for cover while teachers attempted to restore order.

The real humor, however, lay in the twist. The school principal, usually a stern and serious figure, got hit by a stray balloon. Instead of getting angry, he burst into laughter, drenched from head to toe. His unexpected reaction diffused the tension and the entire school joined him in laughter.

The ‘Great Water Balloon Incident’ was a funny incident that taught us the importance of humor in life. It showed us that even in moments of chaos and confusion, laughter can be the best response. This incident, though hilarious at its core, served as a reminder that school is not just about rules and discipline, but also about creating memories that last a lifetime. The incident will forever remain a funny and cherished memory from my school days.

500 Words Essay on A Funny Incident in School

School days are filled with myriad emotions, ranging from the thrill of learning new concepts to the joy of making lifelong friends. However, amidst these myriad experiences, it is the funny incidents that often stand out, leaving a lasting impression. One such hilarious incident that I vividly recall happened during our annual science fair.

The Preparations

The air was thick with anticipation, as each student was engrossed in their respective projects, hoping to outshine the others. My friends and I decided to create a model demonstrating the solar system. We spent countless hours planning, collecting materials, and designing our model. The day before the event, we were confident that our model was one of the best.

The Science Fair Day

The day of the science fair dawned bright and clear. Our school was buzzing with activity as students, teachers, and parents moved around, admiring the various displays. Our model was placed in the center of the hall, attracting a sizeable crowd. As the day progressed, our confidence grew. We were sure that our model was a hit.

The Unexpected Turn of Events

Just as we were basking in our success, an unexpected turn of events occurred. A group of younger students, fascinated by our solar system model, decided to explore it more closely. One of them, in his excitement, accidentally knocked over the model. The planets started rolling in all directions, causing a mini solar system chaos in the hall. The crowd watched in stunned silence as Mars rolled under a table, Venus ended up in a water bowl, and Jupiter crashed into a stack of chairs.

The Aftermath

The initial shock soon gave way to laughter. The sight of us scrambling to collect our planets, while trying to maintain our dignity, proved too comical. Even the sternest teachers couldn’t suppress their smiles. The incident, instead of ruining the day, added a touch of humor that lightened the atmosphere. It taught us that while it’s important to strive for success, it’s equally important to take such incidents in stride and find humor in them.

The funny incident at the science fair is a cherished memory from my school days. It was a reminder that life is full of unexpected moments, and it’s our reaction to these moments that defines our experiences. The incident also served as a lesson on the importance of adaptability and the ability to laugh at ourselves. In the grand scheme of things, it is these moments of laughter and camaraderie that truly enrich our school life.

In retrospect, this incident was not just funny but also enlightening. It taught us that while seriousness has its place, humor has a unique way of making experiences memorable. It is these hilarious incidents that add color to our school memories, making them unforgettable.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

If you’re looking for more, here are essays on other interesting topics:

• Essay on My Favourite Game Football
• Essay on Football Is My Favourite Sport
• Essay on A Football Match

Apart from these, you can look at all the essays by clicking here .

Happy studying!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Keep School Supplies Organized With These Genius Dollar Tree Storage DIYs

F rom Kindergarten through grad school, students need school supplies. Unfortunately, they sometimes end up in a jumbled mess, making it hard to find the right learning tools when you need them. To keep supplies sorted and readily accessible, you can DIY a few handy projects using inexpensive materials from the Dollar Tree.

We've collected 11 recommendations for DIY projects that enhance your school-supply organization. With a few simple items from the kitchen, office, and craft sections of Dollar Tree, you can have fun while you create practical storage solutions . Read on to learn how to make handy organizers for writing utensils, notebooks, school papers, and art supplies. With the help of hot glue, zip ties, and electrical tape, even a novice DIYer can transform simple Dollar Tree objects into genius storage options for school supplies.

Read more: 9 Tricks HGTV Stars Use For A Fresh-Smelling Home

Make A Wall-Hanging To-Do List With Storage For School Supplies

Keep track of school assignments with this wall-hanging unit made from Dollar Tree items. You'll need a 17.75-inch hanging wood plank , two square pegboards , pegboard hooks , pegboard shelves , one 8-inch by 10-inch picture frame , dry-erase markers , Krazy glue , and a "To-Do" list printed on 8-inch by 10-inch paper.

Insert the to-do list in the picture frame, and glue it to the middle of the hanging wood plank. Glue the pegboards above and below the frame, adding hooks and shelves for school supplies. Hang the unit on the wall, and use dry erase markers to check off your school tasks.

Use Dollar Tree Supplies To Create A DIY Desktop Organizer That Revolves Like A Lazy Susan

For this DIY, you'll need two tin cake pans , a roll of contact paper , a package of glass accent gems or marbles, two rectangular pegboards , packages of pegboard hooks and shelves , a hot glue gun and glue sticks .

Fill one cake pan with a layer of marbles or glass gems. Decorate the second cake pan with contact paper and place it inside the first pan. Glue the two pegboards together and then glue them (standing vertically) to the top cake pan. Attach the hooks and shelves for school supplies and then place the revolving organizer on your desk.

Create A Desktop Shelving Unit From Dollar Tree Items

A small shelving unit that sits atop your desk provides storage space for school supplies. For this DIY project, purchase two hanging wall shelves  along with four square decor signs, wood glue , a utility knife , and two packs of removable wallpaper .

Glue the decor signs, standing vertically, to the ends of the shelf boards. Cover the entire unit with the self-adhesive wallpaper, trimming the edges with a utility knife. Use the shelves to store notebooks, papers, writing utensils, and lightweight books. The unit would probably not hold heavy items.

Wooden Boxes From The Craft Section Of Dollar Tree Join Together To Make This Organizer For School Supplies

The small, wooden box-within-a-box item from Dollar Tree offers DIY possibilities to create tiny drawers for paper clips, erasers, pushpins, and other minuscule school supplies. You'll need nine boxes, a hot glue gun, hot glue sticks , craft clamps , wood stain or paint, a package of the tumbling tower game , and label stickers .

Hot-glue the outer boxes together in three rows of three each and secure them with clamps while the glue dries. Glue the wooden pieces from the tumbling tower game to create drawer pulls on the small box inserts. Stain or paint the entire unit and add drawer labels.

Use Dollar Tree Items To DIY A Charging Station For Laptops And Tablets

This Dollar Tree DIY will help you keep your desk neat while you're charging your electronic devices. You'll need four wire napkin holders , a metal serving tray , a tube of super glue , and a package of zip ties . Optionally, you might want to spray paint the charging station in a color that complements your decor.

Use the zip ties to join the four napkin holders, and then glue them to the surface of the serving tray. Spray paint the entire unit, if desired. Place it on your desk or a shelf to organize your electronic devices while they're charging.

Create Colorful And Fun Pencil Holders Using Dollar Tree Toothbrush Holders

This is a fun craft activity that children would love, although an adult should wield the hot glue gun. Start with two toothbrush holders from Dollar Tree, two packages of multi-colored pom-poms , hot glue sticks , and a glue gun.

Apply the hot glue to the outside of the toothbrush holder, and attach the brightly colored pom-poms until the entire outside surface is covered. Use the holder with or without its lid as a receptacle for storing markers, pencils, pens, and paint brushes.

Hot-Glue Small Plastic Cups Inside School Supply Caddies To Organize Your Supplies

Small school supplies like crayons, pencils, erasers, and paper clips tend to fall to the bottom of storage containers and end up in a messy jumble. For this simple DIY, you'll need a small craft caddy from Dollar Tree along with a package of plastic tumblers , a hot glue gun, and glue sticks .

Simply glue two of the tumblers inside the large section of the craft caddy. Fill them with crayons and other school supplies to keep the items neatly separated. The plastic tumblers ensure that the supplies are within easy reach.

Use Dollar Tree Trays And Craft Sticks To Make A Stacked Tower For Organizing And Storing Papers

Flat letter trays from Dollar Tree make ideal organizers for school papers. But with flat tops, they don't offer much room for storing school supplies. To solve this problem, you can add craft sticks to elevate the trays. Along with the sticks, you'll need a hot glue gun and hot glue sticks .

Use hot glue to attach the craft sticks vertically at the corners of the trays. This hack will join them together in a stack while allowing enough room between the trays to store school supplies. Paint the craft sticks in a color that matches the trays.

Make A Desktop Organizer For Notebooks, Folders, And Papers Using Simple Objects From The Dollar Tree

Here's a DIY project that will help you organize file folders, notebooks, and assorted papers that you might collect for schoolwork. Start with three Dollar Tree wire napkin holders and a roll of PVC electrical tape .

Place the napkin holders side-by-side, and use the electrical tape to join them securely together. This type of tape is strong and forms a tight bond when it's wrapped neatly around the wires of the napkin holders. Place the organizer on a shelf or desktop and use it to sort and separate your school papers.

With A Few Dollar Tree Items, You Can DIY A Bi-Level Organizer For Pencils, Markers, Crayons, And Paint Brushes

With this DIY project, you'll be able to corral your writing and drawing utensils into one neat organizer. You'll need one wire paper towel holder , six wire mesh pencil holders , and a package of zip ties .

Start by joining four of the pencil cups together with zip ties. Then, slide the connected cups down over the paper towel holder. Next, join the remaining two pencil cups to the paper towel holder with zip ties, creating an upper level for pencil-and-pen storage. If desired, you could spray paint the entire unit in a color that complements your desk accessories.

Fashion A Wall-Hanging Bookshelf For Notebooks And School Books Using A Few Dollar Tree Components

This DIY wall-hanging shelf keeps books organized and within reach for students. For little ones, you can hang it at baseboard height to make the books easily accessible. You'll need three wire napkin holders , a package of zip ties , and a package of self-adhesive hooks .

Place the napkin holders end-to-end and join them securely with the zip ties. Adhere the hooks to the wall in a desired location and hang the adjoined napkin holders on the hooks. This DIY makes a handy organizer that utilizes vertical storage space to keep lightweight materials at eye level.

Read the original article on House Digest .

This article may contain affiliate links that Microsoft and/or the publisher may receive a commission from if you buy a product or service through those links.

24 Must Do End of Year Activities Every Middle School Teacher Should Know

The end of the school year is exciting, but it can be tough to find fun end of year plans for the last weeks – and even the last day- of school. In this post, we’ll discuss 24 must-do, low-prep, end of year activities for middle school.

The end of the school year is always a whirlwind of excitement and chaos. Trips, assemblies, and interruptions make it hard to teach. That makes it the perfect time to do some creative enrichment activities that were sidelined all year to accomodate the mandated curriculum.

Here are 24 end-of-year ideas to get you through the last weeks of school. These activities keep your students engaged, without being impossible to prepare. And best yet, they’re likely to result in great memories that your students will recall for years to come.

I know we’d all love to take our kids to the Alps while we frolic and sing The Sound of Music .

But let’s face it. You have a humongous end of the school year list to tackle. There will be days when you don’t have time to prep and you need the kids to work independently.

With that in mind, I’ve added info about the amount of teacher prep needed for each idea, as well as the amount of hands-on teacher input required during the activity.

The scale is from 1-5, with 1 ⌛ or 🖐️ being little to no prep or input and ⌛ ⌛ ⌛ ⌛ ⌛ or 🖐️🖐️🖐️🖐️🖐️ being a lot of prep and input.

The list starts with no-prep ideas and goes up from there.

1. Watch a Classic TV Show

Have a Twilight Zone marathon for a few days. Most kids have never seen the original show, so I do this every year and the kids love the clever twists. Show the episodes that are considered amongst the “best” and discuss the themes and ironies.

Rod Serling’s work during the Cold War provides rich material for analysis and discussion. The show was originally created during the Cold War when people couldn’t criticize the US or society in any way. Rod Serling did that indirectly — and got away with it — by writing about the topics through the guise of science fiction.

• Requirements: You can find dvds through your school or public library or watch using a streaming service (just make sure this is permitted by the service and your school). Have the kids write down the episode’s theme, the ironies, as well as the aspect of government or society that it reflects.

2. Do an Escape Room

Try this and I guarantee it will be one of your favorite end of year activities for middle school: Transform your classroom into an escape room! This activity will have your students working together to solve puzzles and escape the room within a set time. It’s a fun way to boost their critical thinking skills and foster collaboration. The escape room can be content specific or general. It’s up to you!

The best part is that kids will be having so much fun that they won’t even realize they’re learning valuable skills.

• Prep with a ready-made one: ⌛    (Do-it-yourself is  ⌛x10 lol )
• Requirements:  (Ready-made ones vary. For example, Escape the School requires some prep and input; however, Escape the Cryptids and Escape the Island don’t require any.)

3. Listen to Fun Summer-Themed Podcasts

Listen to fun summer-themed podcasts and follow up with writing activities. Here’s a great resource to get you started: Summer Fun Podcast Listening and Writing Activities .

• Prep with a ready-made one: ⌛    (Do-it-yourself is  ⌛⌛⌛⌛⌛)
• Requirements: To do this from scratch, find a podcast you think your students will enjoy. Then create a list of questions on the podcast. Or better yet, create a puzzle based on the podcast, like the ones below.

4. Create One Pager Reflections

Get your students to reflect on their experiences by creating a one-pager that encapsulates their year. They can include drawings, quotes, and short paragraphs. It’s a wonderful keepsake for them to look back on.

• Prep with a ready-made one: ⌛    (Do-it-yourself is  ⌛⌛⌛)

5. Get Moving

Get kids moving in place. You can do this with a fun game that’s easy to create. For instance, make a list of metaphors, similes, and fragments that don’t have either. Have kids stand and start reading from the list, or post each one on the board. Tell kids to jump in place if they hear a simile, crouch down if they hear a metaphor, and sit in their seat if it’s neither. You’ll know right away who knows their stuff and who doesn’t! It’s a great way to get some energy out.

Read more about the importance of movement here . Or find a ready-made game here .

• Requirements: To make it yourself, you’ll need 20-30 examples of whatever skill you want the game to assess.

6. Create Blackout or Found Poetry

Hand out old magazines or books and let students create blackout or found poetry. This activity challenges them to find hidden meanings and create new works of art from existing text.

I use worn-out class novels. It feels great to repurpose those old favorites, and kids love it!

For blackout poetry, kids choose the words they want and to keep and then “black out” all of the words they don’t want to include in their poem.

For found poetry, kids highlight the words they want to keep and then draw a picture over the words they don’t want to include.

7. Write a Letter to a Future 6th or 7th Grader

Have your students write letters to next year’s incoming students. This not only gives them a sense of closure but also helps the new students feel welcomed and prepared.

8. Write Thank You Notes to School Personnel

This is one of those end of year activities that everyone in the entire building will enjoy. Encourage gratitude by having your students write thank you notes to different school personnel. It’s a small gesture that can make a big impact. I’ve written more about here ; just click to read about it. Or click here for a free resource.

9. Create a Graffiti Wall for Next Year’s Class

Set up a graffiti wall where students can leave messages and advice for next year’s class. It’s a fun, interactive way to pass on wisdom. And you’ll have a bulletin board all ready for the first day of school!

• Requirements:  You’ll need some bulletin board paper and markers or chalk.

10. Fill Out a Memory Book

Create a memory book filled with prompts and spaces for students to write about their favorite memories, achievements, and goals. It’s a lovely way for them to reflect on the year.

• Input : 🖐️🖐️

11. Host a Book Swap

Encourage summer reading by organizing a book swap. Students can bring in books they’ve already read and exchange them for new titles.

• Input : 🖐️🖐️🖐️🖐️

12. Write Book Review Blurbs on Post-its

Have students write short book review blurbs on Post-its and place them in the classroom library books. It’s a quick and engaging way to encourage reading.

13. Write a Rotation Story

Each student writes a character description on a sheet of paper and leaves it on their desk. Then, kids rotate and add a line to the story involving that character. The results are often hilarious and unexpected!

• Input : 🖐️🖐️🖐️

14. Speed “Date” Some Books

Inspire summer reading goals and get your students moving by organizing a speed-sharing session where they talk about their favorite books. Let me tell you, it’s a blast to watch the kids get so into the discussion, only to have the buzzer go off for the next book “date.”

What can I say? I like to add a little spice to our literary discussions. lol

15. Read a Short Play Reader’s Theater Style

Encourage kids to find their inner Tom Hanks and do a reader’s theater play with them. Find a great shor play, assign parts, and let them act it out. This is a fantastic way to encourage creativity and teamwork. Plus, who doesn’t love a good performance?

• Requirements: Find a play that has parts for multiple students, because they’ll all want to read. This one is awesome and allows for 11-14 actors. 

16. Write Quick Fiction

Provide students with photographs or scenarios and have them write quick fiction pieces. This sparks their imagination and sharpens their writing skills.

• Prep: ⌛ ⌛ ⌛
• Requirements:  You’ll need some fun photos or scenarios to write about.

17. Write Silly Amazon Product Reviews

Have a laugh by writing silly product reviews for everyday items. This is such a humorous way to practice descriptive writing and creativity.

This article has some hilarous examples: Reader’s Digest Funniest Amazon Reviews

18. Decorate with Inspirational Quotes or Poetry

My students always love doing this end of year activity, and you can do it in two ways.

First, find some smooth rocks and have your students use Sharpies or paint pens to decorate them with inspirational quotes. These can be placed around the school or taken home as a memento.

Or you can write the quotes on Post-it notes. Then, have students place them around the school to spread positivity and encouragement.

19. Make Doorknob Hanger Awards

Create doorknob hangers with awards for various achievements. Templates are pretty easy to find online, and it’s a fun craft activity that also recognizes students’

• Requirements:  To make it yourself, all you need is a list of possible awards, paper, and a door hanger template.

20. Write Silly How-To’s

Get creative with writing by having students write silly how-to guides like“How to Fry an Egg on a Sidewalk.” It’s a lighthearted way to practice procedural writing. Another fun example could be “How to Train Your Pet Rock.” Or , “How to Be a Ninja without Training.”

21. Create a Class Time Capsule

Have students bring in items that represent their experiences and create a class time capsule to be opened in the future. It’s a fun way to preserve memories.

22. Write and Play Hink Pink

Introduce your students to hink pinks – two-word rhyming riddles. For example, a “large feline” is a “fat cat.” It’s a fun way to play with language and think creatively. It’s even fun to teach the kids how to write them. They can write them on notecards and then you can play using those cards.

• Prep with a ready-made one: ⌛    (Do-it-yourself is  ⌛⌛)
• Input : 🖐️🖐️🖐️🖐️🖐️   (unless you assign a student to read them.)

23. Write Bubble Poetry

Take the learning outside! Organize a scavenger hunt or roll out butcher paper and blow bubbles. Have the kids write metaphors, similes, or entire poems describing the bubbles, how they float, what they look like, and how they feel when they pop. Nature and creativity – a perfect combo!

• Input : 🖐️🖐️🖐️ 🖐️
• Requirements: You’ll need bubbles and butcher paper or poster paper.

24. Have Teach the Teacher Day

Let the students become the teachers! Have them prepare a lesson on something they’re passionate about and teach it to the class. I like to make small groups, but this can be an effective independent project too. It’s empowering and educational.

• Prep: ⌛ ⌛ ⌛⌛ ⌛
• Requirements: Make groups, choose topics, and set down some ground rules. The rest of the project is “kid-powered.” 🙂

The end of the school year doesn’t have to be a challenge. With these creative end of year activities, you can keep your middle school students engaged, entertained, and learning until the very last day!

Narrative Writing Workshop for Middle School ELA

Fiction & Nonfiction Reading -Teach, Practice, Test BUNDLE – Middle School ELA

RACES Writing Introduction to Paragraph Frames DIGITAL & EDITABLE

More From Forbes

Are high school graduates ready for college.

• Share to Facebook
• Share to Twitter
• Share to Linkedin

High school students prepare for classes and what comes after graduation.

Graduates believe they are college ready. Evidence suggests many are not.

High school graduation season confronts us with a grim reality. Graduates generally have a collective illusion about their college readiness. Almost nine out of 10 2023 seniors (86%)—the class that started high school in the first year of the pandemic— report being “very” or “mostly” ready for college, according to American College Testing (ACT) research.

In reality, college readiness has declined for years, according to testing information from the two major standardized tests used for college admissions, the ACT and SAT . For example, the ACT reports that only one in five 2023 ACT test-taking graduates (21%) is ready to succeed in core college introductory classes. Their college readiness scores dropped for all four core subjects—reading, English, math, and science—with the composite score at a 32-year low .

Tragically, young people are told too often that the college pathway is the best way to prepare for a profitable career and adult success—regardless of whether they are ready for college. Thus, many borrow money to attend college but never complete a degree.

Apple Brings Back iPhone 14 Pro For First Time At Lower Price Refurbished

Trump lashes out at robert de niro after actor calls him a ‘tyrant’ outside courthouse, trump trial prosecutor ends closing argument after nearly 5 hours jury instructions set for wednesday.

In fact , four out of 10 undergraduates leave college without a degree. That ratio in the 2021-2022 academic year amounts to 40.4 million who attended college—and gone into debt—but earned no degree or other credential, according to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center .

The some college, no credential student number is rising, up from 39 million the previous year. It represents 17.5% of U.S. residents 18 years of age or older, with racial and ethnic minorities predominating. And given the continuing declines in college readiness as measured by standardized test scores, it will only continue to worsen.

These two inconvenient facts—the ill-preparedness of many high school students and the increasing number of college dropouts—signal bad news for young people seeking opportunity. It is time to recognize that there are alternative and better ways to prepare young people for adult success, including apprenticeships and apprenticeship degrees.

Declining College Readiness

Public school educators agree that high schools are doing a mixed job, at best, of preparing students for college. For example, about half (47%) of high schools rate themselves as doing a very good or excellent job of preparing students for college, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. (NCES). That number drops to 30% for schools in high poverty neighborhoods and schools with fewer than 300 students.

There is evidence to support their point of view. Increasingly, when young people get to college, they confront an unexpected reality. They are required to take remedial courses. Enrollment in these developmental education programs , directed to students unprepared for college-level coursework, is skyrocketing.

In 2019-2020 , over six out of 10 (65.4%) first-year college undergraduates took a remedial course in math, while half (52.1%) took remedial courses in reading or writing, according to the most recent NCES data. Compare that to 2015-2016 , when 14% took a remedial course in math and 9% took courses in reading or writing.

High school grade inflation is one factor concealing—and probably contributing to—declining student readiness for college. An ACT analysis of grades given by teachers to high school students who took the ACT between 2010 and 2022 found that GPA increased every year in core subjects—even as standardized test scores for students were either stagnant or fell.

Grade inflation was especially acute for Black students and students from low and moderate family incomes. “While the findings are neither surprising nor controversial, they do indicate a persistent, systemic problem,” concludes the ACT report. Students enter college unprepared, partly because they have not received frank assessments of where they stand academically.

An NCES study of the high school transcripts of 2019 seniors compared to those of 2009 seniors produced similar findings in math. The typical 2019 graduate had higher average grades in math, though math test scores fell four to five points over that 10 year period on the National Assessment of Educational Progress, or NAEP, the Nation’s Report Card, depending upon the math curriculum the student took.

“We [continue] to see a rise in the number of seniors leaving high school without meeting any of the college readiness benchmarks, even as student GPAs continue to rise and students report that they feel prepared to be successful in college. The hard truth is that we are not doing enough to ensure that graduates are truly ready for postsecondary success in college and career,” says Janet Godwin, CEO of the ACT, in an ACT press release .

There is no substitute for self-knowledge. If a student is not adequately prepared for college, educators must help them understand that fact and act to correct it. Good policy recommendations and practical advice abound on ways to better prepare high school students academically for college. For example, states can reform remedial education policy, including testing practices, instructional approaches, and student support services.

They can also continue to expand K-12 programs that create connections for high school students with colleges. Dual enrollment programs , for instance, allow high school students to take college level courses for both high school and college credit. Dual enrollment has a positive impact on several key outcomes, including high school graduation rates, college success, and college completion rates, according to research by the What Works Clearinghouse of the federal Institute for Education Sciences.

Additionally, states and school districts can build on their current efforts to overcome pandemic student learning loss—such as expanding programs for teachers to use high-quality instructional material and providing more academic support for students through high-dosage student tutoring . Finally, there are a host of sensible, hands-on actions that parents and schools can start doing with high school students today.

College preparedness is not “just going to happen.” It has to be intentionally pursued by parents and educators.

Thinking Outside The College Degree Box

There are also new ways to pursue pathways to employment and adult success other than the traditional high-school-to-college-degree direct pathway. For example, many Americans —including young people — support apprenticeships that combine paid, on-the-job learning with classroom instruction and award industry-recognized credentials.

These apprenticeships need not conflict with the traditional pursuit of a post-secondary degree. For example, a growing effort is underway to create apprenticeship degrees. The nonprofit National Center for the Apprenticeship Degree provides assistance to employers, educational institutions, and other organizations interested in creating an apprenticeship degree based on four tenets :

• The job comes first and is entry-level, frontline work.
• The workplace is the learning place, with half of the academic credit for a degree coming from on-the-job training and the other half from classroom instruction linked to the job.
• The job leads to a degree granted by an accredited two-year or four-year college.
• The learner is paid while they learn, gain experience, build a resume, and pursue a debt-free degree.

Another model is the Chicago Apprenticeship Network, which helps businesses establish apprenticeship programs. This public-private partnership began in 2017 with three founding companies. It now has more than 110 companies representing multiple industries.

Examples of programs include the Zurich Apprenticeship Program with Harper College, which is focused on claims and underwriting, and Walgreen’s Apprenticeship Program with City Colleges of Chicago, which is focused on retail management careers. Other education partners include College Lake County, General Assembly, and Arupe College of Loyola University.

Today, high school graduates are typically mistaken about their readiness to do college-level work. This collective illusion must be dispelled, and new systems of college preparation and support must be encouraged.

These new ways of thinking about the transition from high school to work also involve pathways other than the direct high school to college model. Earn-and-learn pathways like apprenticeships offer a promising approach for high school graduates and many others searching for ways to achieve adult success.

• Editorial Standards
• Reprints & Permissions

• Grades 6-12
• School Leaders

Don't Miss the Grand Prize: A $2,500 Office Depot/OfficeMax Card!

100 Thought-Provoking Argumentative Writing Prompts for Kids and Teens

Practice making well-reasoned arguments using research and facts.

Writing a strong argumentative essay teaches students to make a case for their own point of view without relying on emotion or passion. These argumentative essay topics provide options for kids of all ages, including controversial subjects and some that are just for fun.

School and Education Argumentative Essay Topics

Science and history argumentative essay topics, life and ethics argumentative essay topics, social justice and civics argumentative essay topics, more argumentative essay topics, what’s the difference between argumentative and persuasive essays.

These two types of essays are similar, but there are some subtle and important differences .

• Author’s purpose: In an argumentative essay, your job is to simply convince the reader that the point of view you’re presenting is valid, even if it doesn’t change their mind. Persuasive essays seek to sway the reader to adopt your point of view over any others.
• Method: Argumentative essays rely heavily on well-researched facts and logical assertions. In a persuasive essay, the writer may use a blend of emotion and facts to win over the reader.
• Audience: Persuasive essays require a specific audience, since the writer must acknowledge and attempt to overcome their potential objections. The writer of an argumentative essay is simply making a statement, so knowing their audience is less important.
• Viewpoint: A persuasive essay writer should believe their point of view is the only correct one, and try to persuade the reader to agree. Argumentative essays acknowledge other points of view, but use reason and logic to argue that the writer’s point of view is best.

Persuasive and argumentative essay topics often overlap. The difference is in how the writer approaches the topic. When you assign one of the topics below as an argumentative essay, remind students to use research, reason, and logic to make a strong but dispassionate argument.

• Should physical education be part of the standard high school curriculum?
• Schools should require recommended vaccines for all students, with very limited exceptions.
• Should all students have the ability to attend college for free?
• What one class should all high schools students be required to take and pass in order to graduate?

• Do you think homework should be required, optional, or not given at all?
• Students should/should not be able to use their phones during the school day.
• Should schools have dress codes?
• If I could change one school rule, it would be …
• Is year-round school a good idea?
• Which is better, private schools or public schools?
• Should every student have to participate in athletics?
• Do you think schools should ban junk food from their cafeterias?
• Should students be required to volunteer in their communities?
• What is the most important school subject?
• Are letter grades helpful, or should we replace them with something else?

• Should schools be allowed to ban some books from their libraries?
• Which is better, book smarts or street smarts?
• Are single-gender schools better or worse for students?
• Are computers making teachers obsolete?
• Students who fail a test should be given a chance to take it again.
• Is it acceptable to use animals for experiments and research?
• Vaping is less harmful than smoking tobacco.
• Do we really learn anything from history, or does it just repeat itself over and over?
• Is it OK to keep animals in zoos?
• Should we ban plastic bags and bottles?
• Should we still consider Pluto a planet?

• It’s important to spend tax dollars exploring space, instead of on other things.
• Is there life on other planets?
• Who was the best/worst American president?
• Should vaccines be mandatory?
• Are GMOs more helpful than harmful?
• Is animal cloning ethical?
• Should human cloning be legal?
• Should we use stem cells from human embryos for scientific research?
• Is it better to provide drug addicts with treatment instead of punishment?

• Should we ban the use of fossil fuels?
• Can we truly do anything about human-caused global warming?
• Are electric vehicles better than gas-powered ones?
• Was life really better “back in the day”?
• Choose a foreign conflict (e.g., Vietnam or Afghanistan) and argue whether or not the United States was justified in getting involved.
• The most important challenge our country is currently facing is … (e.g., immigration, gun control, economy)
• Does social media do more harm than good?
• The best country in the world is …
• Are men and women treated equally?
• Is it better to be vegetarian/vegan than to eat meat?
• Should little kids be allowed to play competitive sports?
• Who faces more peer pressure, girls or boys?
• Should kids have set bedtimes or just go to bed whenever they’re sleepy?

• Which is better, artificial Christmas trees or real ones?
• Playing violent video games is bad for kids and teens.
• Parents should track their kids using their cell phones.
• Are paper books better than e-books?
• All kids should play on the same sports teams, regardless of gender.
• All paper documents should be replaced with electronic versions.
• Is conflict necessary for change?
• Is war ever justified?
• A strong middle class is vital to the economy.

• Is the local minimum wage truly a living wage?
• Should we do away with gender-specific public bathrooms?
• Is a progressive income tax better than a flat tax?
• Capital punishment does/does not deter crime.
• Would it be better to legalize, tax, and regulate all drugs (including alcohol and cigarettes) instead of banning them?
• Parents should be punished for their minor children’s crimes.

• The government should provide free internet access for every citizen.
• Is democracy the best form of government?
• Is capitalism the best form of economy?
• Should all Americans be required to vote?
• Should we change the minimum driving age in the United States?
• Do you think the government should find a way to provide free health care for everyone?
• School-age children should be allowed to vote.
• We should/should not abolish the electoral college.
• Are “Stand Your Ground” laws effective?
• Supreme Court judges should be appointed for fixed terms.

• Does segregation still exist in the United States?
• We should/should not continue building a wall between the United States and Mexico.
• Will stricter gun control laws help control mass shootings?
• Should we make the path to American citizenship easier?
• Is the American justice system inherently racist?
• Should we redirect some or all police force funding to social services?
• Should the United States implement a universal basic income?
• Choose a fictional character and explain why they should be the next president.
• What animal makes the best pet?
• Who is the world’s best athlete, present or past?
• Which is better, reading books or watching TV?
• Is a taco a sandwich?
• Should kids be allowed to stay up as late as they want?

• What’s the best video game system?
• Kids shouldn’t have to go to school on their birthdays.
• Is video gaming a sport?
• Are beauty pageants sexist?
• Should kids get participation trophies for sports?
• Are stereotypes ever right?
• Is there any benefit to teaching proper grammar and spelling, or should we allow language to be descriptive instead of prescriptive?
• All teenagers should have part-time jobs.
• Should kids have limits on screen time?
• Is it better to read fiction or nonfiction?
• Should kids have to eat everything on their plate, even if they really don’t like something?

• Is it better to spend an hour a day reading or exercising?
• Is graffiti an act of vandalism or an art form?
• Should society hold celebrities to a high moral standard?

What are your favorite argumentative writing prompts? Come share your thoughts in the WeAreTeachers HELPLINE group on Facebook .

Also check out 100 intriguing cause and effect essay topics for students ..

You Might Also Like

The Big List of Essay Topics for High School (120+ Ideas!)

Ideas to inspire every young writer! Continue Reading

Copyright © 2024. All rights reserved. 5335 Gate Parkway, Jacksonville, FL 32256

Recommended

• Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
• Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
• Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
• Click to copy URL

Jason Kelce makes fun of brother Travis’ pants with Taylor Swift cat joke

• View Author Archive
• Follow on Twitter
• Get author RSS feed

Thanks for contacting us. We've received your submission.

Jason Kelce is co-signing a Taylor Swift cat joke meant to poke fun at brother Travis Kelce’s style. 

The younger Kelce sibling, 34 — who is dating Swift, also 34 — notably wore a pair of razor-cut Heron Preston jeans to a Sunday night basketball game in Dallas, which one social media user pointed out appeared to be the sartorial work of the pop superstar’s beloved cats, Meredith Grey, Olivia Benson and Benjamin Button. 

“What the f–k did taylor cats do with his jeans,” the individual wrote via X . 

It wasn’t long before Jason, 36, expressed his amusement at the remark. 

“Now that’s funny!” the former NFL player — whose wife, Kylie Kelce, is currently on the hunt for a feline friend of her own — replied .

Travis paired his slashed denim with a white Nahmias x Reisinger T-shirt ($250) featuring a red apple graphic. 

Want more celebrity and pop culture news?

Start your day with Page Six Daily.

Thanks for signing up!

Please provide a valid email address.

By clicking above you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy .

Want celebrity news as it breaks? Hooked on Housewives?

The Kansas City Chiefs tight end accessorized his courtside look with a Louis Vuitton chainlink necklace ($1,190) and monogram bracelet ($650), along with a pair of crimson sunglasses. 

For the playoff match between the Minnesota Timberwolves and the Dallas Mavericks, Travis sat next to teammates Marquise “Hollywood” Brown and Patrick Mahomes, plus the latter’s wife, Brittany Mahomes.

Swift was not in attendance as she was wrapping up the Portugal leg of her ongoing Eras Tour. Without the Grammy winner by his side, Kelce was inexplicably booed by the Texas crowd. 

The Mahomeses and Kelce  appeared on the Jumbotron  during the game, with Swift’s beau showing a shocked expression at the merciless reaction from the NBA enthusiasts inside Dallas’ American Airlines Center.

However, when the camera panned to Patrick and Brittany, both 28, fans erupted in applause — and became even more fervent with their cheering when the quarterback stood up to encourage the positive response. 

Perhaps they made better outfit choices.

Share this article:

Advertisement

Dover middle school students nominate their heroes, tell them why in their own words

Dover Area Middle School students invited their heroes to school on May 22 to hear, in their own words, why they were chosen. Parents, teachers, coaches and soldiers were among those chosen by students.

Students wrote the essays ahead of time and then invited their heroes to the assembly where students sat at long tables with their heroes to hear why they were chosen.

"My hero is Miguel Rosado, his friends and family call him Mikey. He is my dad," Mikalyn Rosado read to her father, "He changed his life for me and that is why he is my hero..."

Rosado, wearing an XPO logistics company work shirt and cap, said he was a little bit choked up by the nomination, unaware that his daughter had named him her hero before he had arrived to meet her at school.

Several essays were chosen to read in front of the whole room.

Brody Wise took to the podium to read his nomination of his father Andrew Wise, "Have you ever heard of a hero without a cape? Well I have one… He might have some mental scars from serving, but there isn’t anything in the world that I would be grateful for more than him," citing his service to the Marine Corps. “He put his life on the line to give us the freedom of walking the earth.” 

Andrew Wise served with the Marines between 2000-2004 during Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Brody goes on to tell the audience how his father has “influenced my life to make me a clean and trustworthy person and make me stronger so when it comes time for me to face.”

Andrew Wise gave his son a strong hug after his reading.

Justin Rowand, a Dover middle school football coach, wore two name tags that said “Justin” because he was nominated by two different students. He sat at the end of the table with his head slightly tilted to the ceiling as he listened to what the two boys were saying on either side of him

More photos: Dover log house through the years in photos.

“He was a good impact on me and he helped me so much and made me into the young man I was today…,” Josh Alexander said, sitting to the right.

“He is a mentor to me and helps me every single day whether it comes to being better in life or being better in football,” Broden Greener said to his left.

A New Approach to LSAT Writing Will Debut on July 30, 2024

By Susan Krinsky

As legal education curricula and the practice of law continue to change with the times, LSAC is innovating to provide a new writing assessment that responds to the evolving needs of the profession.

On July 30, a redesigned approach to the LSAT Writing section of the LSAT will make its debut as we open the 2024-2025 testing cycle, which begins with the August administration of the LSAT.

This new approach to the writing assessment will help law schools continue to make holistic admission decisions and help prospective law students better prepare for the writing they will do in law school and beyond – still without the need for any specialized skills, knowledge, or experience with legal concepts.

Since 1982, LSAT Writing prompts have been designed to assess logical reasoning in the context of argumentative writing. But legal education curricula, the legal profession, and the demands of legal practice continue to evolve. In our ongoing conversations with law schools and the legal profession, we hear consistently about the importance of strong analytical and argumentative writing skills and the need to better assess a student’s potential earlier in their academic journey.

Based on input from our member schools and other stakeholders in the legal profession, the new LSAT Writing section of the LSAT will be an even more effective tool for assessing the writing skills of individuals prior to law school. These changes will help schools better understand the writing capabilities of applicants for the purposes of their admission decisions. It will also enable law schools to better provide writing support for their students who need to strengthen their writing skills so they are better prepared for bar passage, finding employment, and practice.

This new approach aims to assess a test taker’s ability to construct a cogent argument based on a variety of evidentiary sources. Test takers will be presented with a debatable issue along with different perspectives that provide additional context. These perspectives, each of which is conveyed in a few sentences, are representative of a system of beliefs or values. Together, the perspectives illustrate competing ideologies and arguments around a particular issue. The test taker will then draft an argumentative essay in which they take a position, while addressing some of the arguments and ideas presented by the other perspectives.

The new argumentative writing task is designed to give test takers a clearer, more authentic writing purpose than the former “decision based” LSAT Writing prompt, which was more narrowly focused on pure logical reasoning. When test takers have an opportunity to construct an original thesis and defend it based on their own judgment and analytical evaluation, rather than following pre-ordained lines of reasoning, we can better assess a broader and more complex range of decision-making skills that writers engage in.

By adopting this design, we’re not only enabling individuals to have a more authentic voice in their argument, but we are also better positioned to evaluate the writer’s ability to employ various rhetorical techniques, evidentiary strategies, and other important aspects of argumentative writing.  

Given the additional reading required, we will be adding a short preparatory period to the LSAT Writing test, which test takers can use to organize their thoughts using guided prewriting analysis questions and to take notes using the digital notetaking tool provided in the testing environment. The questions are designed to help test takers analyze the various perspectives and generate productive ideas for their essay. Most test takers will have a total of 50 minutes – 15 minutes for prewriting analysis and 35 minutes for essay writing. Test takers with approved accommodations for additional time will have their time allocations adjusted accordingly.

To give test takers the opportunity to prepare, we have published a sample prompt as part of the free Official LSAT PrepTest library available in LawHub . Test takers can begin to familiarize themselves with the new approach and take practice LSAT Writing sessions in the official LSAT Writing environment.

We are also providing a sample of the new LSAT Writing prompt on LSAC.org . It should be noted that this LSAC.org sample is a “text only” version and that test functionality, including the timing function, is included in the practice environment in LawHub .

LSAT Writing has always been a part of the LSAT. Over the years, law schools have expressed the desire to make greater use of the writing portion in their holistic evaluations, so we moved to a digital assessment (instead of handwritten) so that schools could receive, read, and evaluate the students’ work. The changes we are announcing today will make the writing sample even more useful to schools in their evaluation and admission processes.

For the 2024-2025 testing cycle, LSAT Writing will remain an unscored part of the LSAT. Over the course of the 2024-2025 testing cycle, we will be analyzing data of the new LSAT Writing prompt to assess its validity and reliability with a long-term goal of providing a scored LSAT Writing assessment that schools may use in their holistic admission process.

We are excited to offer this new approach to LSAT Writing, starting August 1. We believe this new approach will allow test takers to demonstrate their writing skills even more effectively and will provide schools with even more insight into the strengths and potential of applicants.

Share this /

Susan L. Krinsky

Diamondbacks' Jake McCarthy throws it back to old-school WWE days with theme music

The horns at the start of Jake McCarthy's walk-up music provide a triumphant and ceremonial backdrop at Chase Field as the Arizona Diamondbacks outfielder makes his way to the batter's box.

Pro wrestling fans know the music well. McCarthy's music choice is the theme song for Kurt Angle, one of the most popular figures in WWE back in the early 2000s.

"I've had a few people grab me and say they like it. Other people say, 'What is that?'" McCarthy said.

There's a key second part of the song when breaks in the music allowed for Angle's many detractors to chant "You suck!" at WWE arena shows. A few people at Diamondbacks games get it, and apparently can't help themselves in shouting out the chant.

McCarthy knows the home fans aren't necessarily telling him he's bad at baseball, and he has a sense of humor about it.

"I don't think enough people follow it (wrestling) enough to know that. I think it's funny to know. I've had a few people tell me that I suck. There are a few security guards that tell me, 'I want to chant, 'you suck,' but probably shouldn't.' I tell them feel free, I'm walking up to it."

McCarthy hasn't watched wrestling in a while, but from ages 7 to 12, he was a big fan. He liked the way the production changed how Angle was at first cast as an All-American for fans to root for, then re-wrote his character as his career advanced.

A couple of teammates know McCarthy's music. Others have asked him where it's from while saying they enjoy it.

"We'll keep it going a little bit. Maybe I'll change it up, maybe I'll pick another WWE theme," McCarthy said. "There's so much similarity to when (baseball players are) walking up to bat and they're (wrestlers) walking out. So it's kind of designed for the same concept. I just always liked it. Walk-out music is supposed to make you feel good when you walk up."

— Jose M. Romero

Tuesday’s Diamondbacks-Rangers pitching matchup

Diamondbacks at Rangers, 5:05 p.m., Cox, Ch. 34

Diamondbacks RHP Brandon Pfaadt (2-3, 4.05) vs. Rangers RHP Dane Dunning (3-3, 4.43).

Pfaadt pitched well against one of the best lineups in baseball last time out, allowing two earned runs and striking out seven Dodgers in six innings. ... Pfaadt is 1-2 with a 3.19 ERA in his last five starts, and opponents are batting .220 against him in that stretch. He is 1-1 with a 3.47 ERA and a .188 opponent batting average, with 22 strikeouts and six walks in his last four road starts. ... This will be Pfaadt's third career start against the Rangers, the second one being in Game 3 of the World Series. Pfaadt allowed three runs on four hits in 5 1/3 innings in that outing. ... Dunning has made eight starts this season and came off the injured list just before his most recent start. He had been dealing with a right rotator cuff strain. He lasted just 3 1/3 in his last start on May 22 against the Philadelphia Phillies and has not surpassed 5 1/3 innings of work in each of his previous six starts.

Wednesday: At Texas, 11:35 a.m., Diamondbacks RHP Ryne Nelson (3-3, 6.03) vs. Rangers LHP Andrew Healey (0-6, 4.69).

Thursday: At New York, 4:10 p.m., Diamondbacks RHP Zac Gallen (5-4, 3.12) vs. Mets RHP Christian Scott (0-2, 3.97).

Friday: At New York, 4:10 p.m., Diamondbacks LHP Jordan Montgomery (3-2, 4.69) vs. Mets LHP Sean Manaea (3-1, 3.16).

What to know about the Texas Rangers

The Rangers ended a six-game losing streak on Sunday with a 6-2 over the Minnesota Twins, but it's been a disappointing start to the season for the defending World Series champions. Texas has lost 12 of its last 15 games going into Monday, and six of its pitchers are currently on the injured list, including starters Nathan Eovaldi and Jon Gray. The Rangers' bullpen has been particularly dire, ranking last in baseball with a 5.19 ERA. Star shortstop Corey Seager, the 2023 World Series MVP, has 11 home runs, including two on Sunday against the Twins, but is batting .258 this season. His OPS is down from 1.013 last season to .764 this year. Texas is using the slogan "Run It Back" this year after winning it all in 2023, and so far, the plan to run back with many of the same players that got them a championship has not gone well. A weak AL West, though, has kept the Rangers in the thick of contention. They trail the division-leading Mariners by just three games.